everything people find beautiful about me
is untrue

at least in my eyes

One boy says he wants to **** the freckles off my face
but in reality its skin damage which seems to have engulfed the human race
with these girls sitting in sun ovens
coming out smelling like a burnt person

why is it in the 5th grade boys didn't like my freckles
and now the internet is obsessed with something i hated about myself

why is it that all of my pain turns into someone's romantic story

having a good memory isn't all it's made up to be
yes i can remember most wifi passwords i've entered
every lyric to a song that i've heard more than 5 times
quotes in movies after hearing them once
secrets people told me in the 1st grade
throwing a flower into the casket of my late grandmother

yes i remember all of these pointless facts
maybe i'm good at winning arguments
but in reality i use all of this clutter
to cover up what i really want to hide
not from you
but myself

because some things we cannot forgive
no matter what we learn over time

us humans have trouble forgetting
and then there's this depression i feel every day
holding me in bed
i feel like i'm trapped in the warmth
because when i get up
all i expect is disappointment
and sadness

do you have any idea what that even feels like?
you post all of these stupid depression quotes

when in reality
i don't think you understand
because if you were REALLY depressed
you wouldn't want anyone to know you're hurting

no one could understand the hole in your chest that isn't visible
the constant sickness that shows no symptoms

and the idea that you can just "get up and get over it"

there is NOTHING romantic about considering PULLING the wheel in the direction of the water there is nothing POETIC about wondering how much pain you would feel
if you cut up the stream, not across the river

there is nothing beautiful about mental illness
and no one will understand that

unless they find the day
where they're laying in bed
and they would rather dream of flying
and casting spells on our enemies
than dream of becoming someone significant

where in reality its 3:30 pm and you've been asleep for 14 hours

but that doesn't matter does it?
because in this fake dream i feel better than my real life

so why not turn the dark world i call being asleep
(which is lighter yet than the one i walk in)
into an everlasting dream

where one does not have to wake up after 14 hours of nothing
and instead stays asleep, in that dark world that will eternally be better

than the one you have been living in
all this time