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The toilet bowl is my mirror
I see the monster I've become 
Every time I lose my food
A countdown has begun

I keep breaking promises
I thought that I would win  
But the numbers on the scale
Are
       too
             high
                     to
                         keep
                                 me
                                       THIN
It gets better. Don't give up
They say that eating disorders come from
Competitive families,
Genetics,
Feelings of no control,
Feeling worthless,
Feeling fat,
Bullying,
Stress,
Anxiety,
Depression.

They say that eating disorders are
Harmful,
Uncontrollable,
Damaging,
Fearful,
Addictive,
Destru­ctive.

I say it is all true.
I'm always on the verge.
The only reason I don't have one yet
Is because I care for
You.
Nudiustertian Definition: Pertaining to the day before yesterday.
i once was free
but i let you tie my hands, my feet
and tighten,
until the person i was
evaporated
with ropes, chains, prison bars
you held me up until i forgot
how to stand without you

i once was free
but i let you drown me,
despondent at the bottom of the sea.
i waited so long to breathe
choking, gasping, panicking,
until i didn't care
to breathe anymore;
until i didn't know how to.

i once was free,
but like fire ravaging underfoot,
i let you consume me.
you chewed away at my sanity
with every bite
counting, measuring, running
just until the fat was gone
until i,
was gone.

i once was free,
but then you pushed me
a little too far this time
who knew i would end up here.
"i just wanted to be skinny"
i repeated
"i just wanted to be skinny"
until all i wanted was to be
dead.

and there i was,
holding on by a string.
the same string you tied
around my waist, and then,
around my neck
and pulled tighter,
tighter,
i once was free.
I see a lot of glamorising of eating disorders
everywhere

what is so glamorous about sticking your fingers down your throat
using laxatives because you cant cope
starving yourself

there is nothing glamorous about eating disorders
they're mental illnesses which need to be addressed

I have an eating disorder
and I can tell you this
there's nothing glamorous about this
not one little bit
It would be so easy
to just end it all tonight.
Pills or knives
maybe a gun or alcohol
Because it's become apparent
that living is overrated
and when all else fails
and you cannot find help
nor hope
you find yourself
contemplation
wanting to evaporate
wanting to disappear.
No one cares
no one would notice.
It would be as easy as that
to just go
distraught
relentless control over mind
reckless rampage of body.
none of it seems worth it
so you see
suicide makes you alive.
so you'll forget the world and just go
so you can live.
I could
Be dead
Right now
And absolutely
Nobody would notice
And I finally
Understand
Why adults
Never seem
To be happy
Life is so fill of it
Eat then to toss it up,
Appetite sedated for the time being
then to just loose it all
In the fight of the stomach acids and the food
This will **** you,
but you still puke
Bulge on burgers and Shakes
then to loose it to the bowl


I used eat
then loose it
I bulged on burgers and shakes
I used to be
anorexic
I know that people strugle with anorexia and i used to to
Lie, we all do sometimes
Die, we all will eventually
Cry, myself to sleep
spy, for the weak and insecure

Love, he's the only one
Dove, the many on our wedding day

Cell, the holding place of my love
Sell my soul to the Devil
Just to see his face

Accepted, something i will never be
Alone, always alone in this world
Dying to see his face again
Missing the way our bodies trembled
when we kissed
Lips meeting in a beautiful lie
Deception is all he dreams about
At night we stay in bed, holding each other so close
but we are so far apart
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