My special blanket
It covers my mind

I'm used to my blanket
Like a small child I carry it everywhere

My mind is a dark place
But my blanket makes it not too bad

There was a time it wasn't there
& it was a nice break

But that was just a break
A holiday

Time to get back to work
My blankets in charge

It tells me when to eat, never
It tells me when to sleep, all the time

My blanket used to give me breathing room
But now, its suffocating me

My blankets choking me
& I've stop struggling

My mind has put the blanket in total control
I shut down

I push everyone away
Even the boy I love

I know it kills him
To see me this way

But my blankets my minds dictator
It calls the shots

I love you, I promise
But this blanket will **** me in the end

Like a blanket of snow
My depression covers me

& I've let it win

Right over middle
Middle over left

You sit behind me
And braid my hair

"Don't move your head" he warns
"I don't want to mess up"

I smile and roll my eyes
Because you couldn't possibly mess up

You tie my hair
And rub my shoulders real quick

I turn around
And I don't understand the look he has

Hiding his smile with his hand
Trying not to stare but not succeeding

And I never knew
That braids could have this effect

Just keep walking
Head down, music up
Ignore the stares
Ignore the whispers

Run into someone
Mumble an apology
Avoid eye contact
Mess with hair

Focus on breathing
Just keep breathing
Eyes start watering
Hands start shaking

Hear my name
Wipe eyes
Look up
Smile

Nothing's wrong
I'm perfectly fine
Just keep faking it
No one will know

Don't let him see
Just how broken I really am
Faking is all I can do
No one likes a depressed girl

I'm not afraid of heights
And I'm not afraid of snakes

I don't mind the dark
And small spaces aren't so bad

My nightmares aren't about demons
Or monsters or death

I'm afraid
Of the day he stops caring

I dread the day
He moves on

My nightmares are him not being there
And not having his hugs or kisses

My biggest fear
Is losing the one thing I can't live without

Because how can something live
Without the sun?

Have you ever loved someone
so much it physically hurt you?

Have you ever loved someone
so much you planned your forever with them?

Have you ever lost someone
because they didn't have the same feelings for you?

Have you ever lost someone
and cried so hard you felt like you were dying?

Have you ever missed someone
so much you talk about them constantly?

Have you ever missed someone
and know that they don't miss you?

Have you ever met someone
who took away the pain of the past?

Have you ever met someone
that doesn't numb the pain long enough?

Have you ever left someone
because you were still missing your past?

Have you ever hated yourself
for missing that one person so much?

Have you ever hated someone
for making you feel so alone?

Have you ever wanted to die
because you feel trapped with the memories of them?

Have you ever dragged a blade across your skin
just to feel something, anything at all?

I have
I have for 5 months now
And I don't think this pain will ever go away
I hate you, but I miss you
Please, someone help me

Today I ended it
I left him

He told me he loves me
& didn't want to be without me

But I can't do it
I can't let him in

So like a turtle
I'll hide back in my shell
& shut out the world

I leave in 43 days
For the hospital & forced medications

& I know this is poorly written
But I feel like I lost myself

I can't do this anymore
I don't know what to do

I'm just so sad
& I miss you so much

But I'm used to this pain
& you don't need me anymore

So I'll cut a little deeper
& you'll continue your life

Because I'm dying slowly
& you're perfectly happy

& I'm sorry I couldn't be
What you wanted all along

Because I'm not a perfect person
But I love you so much
& I'm just sorry

I have "help me" carved into one leg
& "save me" on the other

I'm just so sad
I don't know what to do

Why am I still writing these
Or breathing for that matter

Life is pointless for me

Everyone always asks
What's your idea of paradise?

Paradise isn't white sand and blue water
Or warm weather and palm trees

Paradise is driving 10 miles over the speed limit
And eating Mcdonalds

Paradise is buying jalepeños
And listening to Nickelback

It's not mountains and snow
Or the sound of rain

Paradise is falling asleep on skype
And saying waka waka

Paradise is cuddling on bean bags
And asking "what colors this?"

I don't want your paradise
Because mine is perfect

Die die die
The voices whisper

But I ignore them
& keep going on my way

Die die die
They say louder

But I just begin to walk faster
They won't win

Die die die
They're screaming now

I begin to run
I don't want to die just yet

Die die die
They scream every second of the day

But once I start running
I won't stop

17 years old
& I refuse to let these voices win

I'll keep running until they give up
Even if it's forever

Die die die
They scream

No I don't want to
I scream back

I've beaten the voices
They won't win

I've finally won this race
& my life is my trophy

I want to scream at him
I want to scream in his face
I want to scream everything I hate about him

I want to scream until he knows my pain
I want to scream until he feels my broken heart
I want to scream until he goes home every day and cries

I want to scream until he understands how I feel
I want to scream until he understands what he did wrong
I want to scream until he feels bad

Because maybe if I scream at him
The voice in my head will stop screaming at me

He reached over and rubbed my back
Only for five seconds but it was enough

It was enough to stop my nerves and anxiety
It was enough to make me smile
And enough to fill my whole body with joy

To everyone around us
It was a friendly motion

But to me
It was a reminder I wasn't alone

And I couldn't have asked for a better use of five seconds

First period
Restlessness, shaking, fast heartbeat

Second period
Slow heartbeat, difficult to hold myself up, extreme drowsiness

Lunch
Extreme hunger, fast heartbeat, mild drowsiness

Third period
Difficult to write or even hold anything, semifast heartbeat, headache

Fourth period
Normal heartbeat, extreme joy, you

Medication always comes with side effects, good & bad
But when I'm around you, I feel like I was never even sick in the first place

You say that you don't care
And you tell me you're fine
You promise me it doesn't still bother you

But every time he walks by
I can see the flicker of pain
In those green eyes

I say I'm sorry
And tell you I regret it
I promise it won't happen again

But I see the face you make
When he's around
And I notice the way you glare at him
When he looks at me

And I don't think
That you will ever forgive me

So now I sit
In this hospital room

"Thank god they saved you"
People keep telling me

& I fake a smile
Because I was so close

& I text all your friends
& ask how you are

I just need to hear
something
Anything
Please

Just talk to me
Because I can't live without you anymore

I miss my other half
& my best friend

My legs are covered in band aids
& my eyes are puffy from tears
& my hands are shaking
& my body is pale
& my heart misses you

So just one message
Please

I need you

"You need to get out of the house"
"Come over I miss you"
"Let's go do something"
"You stay inside all day. That's not healthy"

They have no idea what's happening to me
They don't know why I shut them out

The cuts on my legs remind me of prison bars
& make me think I'm a prisoner in my own mental state

"You'll come visit us at school right?"
"Don't forget about football games"
"Everyone will love to see you"

They have no idea that I can't come back
They don't know that I'm leaving soon

I havnt told a soul about the hospital visits
Or the thoughts in my head

"Let's go swimming"
"You're getting pale lets go tanning"
"This bikini would look so cute on you"

They have no idea why I can't wear bathing suits
They don't know why I can't go swimming

The marks on my skin would shock them
& I don't need a reminder of how crazy I am

They have no idea

I just hope that one day
You'll realize how much you mean to me

And how much I adore
The way you look at me

Because the way you smirk and shake your head
Drives me insane

& once again
I'll fall asleep
& wish
I never loved you

But who knew
There were devil horns
Beneath those black curls

And a flicker of evil
In those blue eyes?

Who knew such an awkward boy
Could leave such destruction in his path

And such a close friend
Could break the heart
Of the one who loved him most?

You say you're there for anybody
& only a phone call away

But where were you at 3am
When I couldn't breathe
& held that blade to my wrist

You care for everyone else
Except the one person who needed you
I needed you

You did nothing
Walked by me crying in the halls like I was a ghost
& if I choose to put this blade
To my neck instead of my wrist
& end it all tonight

I'm sure you'd laugh
& be perfectly ok
With the fact the ****** ***** is gone

So don't say you care
When you've made it obvious you don't