sometimes I feel
so deeply that
the simple glance my way
my eyes will tear you apart
and if you dare
speak to me
i'm afraid
nothing but hate will
swirl around you
push you to your knees
bury you beneath

none of that happens
why
i am to weak
the pain deep inside me
never will you see

our love was like sunburn
so hot
it kept us tossing and turning at night

our love only bloomed during the summer
when the days were the longest
and our hours spent conjoined, limbs entangled in one another

then it would eventually start to fade
we spoke less words to one another
till the burn was simply gone
and our love was shed

ready for a new layer of skin

a new 'you' to invest in
under the sun
beneath the stars

but, i won't forget
those summers when our burn
ached the most
it was all our love

Misery loves company
but uncertain I am
for my memories are fading
and for that reason alone,
how should I really feel?

You tell me what I should feel
force those ideas into my head
I try to box them, and keep them on file
but I just don't understand

where did I get like this
how did I lose my sense of reality
why can't I remember

finally- you tell me
I was a caged bird
until they demanded me to fly
and I followed their orders-
even though, I never learned how to properly spread my wings

I can't remember
and I still don't know what to feel
but-
now I think,
I can recover,
maybe one day, *I'll even learn how to spread my wings and fly

I think you've forgotten who you are
the same way- I've forgotten how to be
living- life, it is so essential
but here the two of us sit,
and our sunken eyes
seem to make silent conversation
as we both wonder- how has it come to this?

I also think you've forgotten how to feel
the same way- I've forgotten how to see
friends to lovers to enemies, we've let it rip us apart
and we shuffle beside one another
seeking something,
and both hoping- it will be enough

The path we need to take is covered,
without a doubt
but, I think we both can agree
numb amongst it all- we can't venture alone
together, it will always be better than being lonely

I'm not angry because you're gone
or because you're alone
and I don't wish, for you

I'm remembering
from that moment we met,
to that last word you spoke

And I'm angry, crying, wishing
because
you took a part of me

There's so many new faces, new places, new memories
but I'm trapped, buried beneath so much emotional baggage
and stupidly
I'm reaching, searching for that part you took
and every day I face sundown- empty handed

I'm solemn because... I don't think I'll ever
find the me, you carelessly tossed aside

My brother told me
you would have not let any of it happen
you would stand tall
guard my every step

its the middle of may
just another month
we embark the day
you lost your way

when i close my eyes
all i see is darkness
i can no longer
make out your face

your voice
was it rough
or was it soft
on the ears

I don't know
and I don't know if you would stand up for me
why
because
I cant even
remember the way you held my shaky hands

The days are endless
and the pain is permenant
The nights are watching the fan dance on the ceiling
and the tears are flowing

It all started when they poured the anger and the sadness
into my heart
I couldn't tell them to stop, I couldn't do a thing

& it turns out, it was actually cement

And thats when you came along
right there, at the perfect moment,
to walk all over me,
and now my heart bleeds your footprints

& thats the thing about cement
once it hardens
it takes years and constant strength to
crack,
if your lucky.


They tell me
I should be okay
That what they did
shouldn't hurt me in the slightest

Then they tell me my thoughts
are wrongful,
that I should just move on
but I can't grasp what they mean
all I want is someone to drill my
cemented heart to smithereens
then, maybe, I'll be able to sleep again

& maybe I'll be able to feel
that heartbeat
the one they say, makes you a free spirit

For now the endless days carry on
and I'm stuck with a cemented heart
that just won't break.

Childhood is the sun shining bright
so bright that the rays' captures everything around you
Childhood is friends distancing from one another
so apart that hand to hand is now hand to air
Childhood is being the shortest
so short that people hover above you so tall like the NYC towers
Childhood is an elevator going up and down
so high all you can do is smile, and so low that you wonder how your smile ever turned into a frown
Childhood is a sponge
so absorbent that all the tears and laughter mixed into one
But mostly childhood is a story
so alluring with the beginning, exquisite with the middle, and outstanding by the end

sunday I want pain
monday I want to delve into the darkest part of night
tuesday I want time to soar, drop me in the land of happiness
wednsday I want to feel the hatred you have for me
thursday I want to hear the drip of a faucet and nothing else
friday I want you and me
saturday I want my throat to beg for my screams to stop

all week
it's because of you

and when you decide to have me
everything disappears
and the only thing I have is
your touch
my fingertips
and a quiet mind

oh I need you
gone or here
not in between
why
because, you make me crazy

you close the shades
and fail to speak

you let the shadows dance around you
but you never join in

you read the words of others
and never let your own flow

you will always make me smile
but you never lets yours' show

i think you've given up-

somewhere along the way
you decided- being alone is okay


and now I don't know how to get back in

I'm terrified,
maybe you don't want me in... ever again?

so young
so unsure
he was confined to the seat with great big wheels

so naive
so loud
she was lost in the pitch dark world

both trapped
searching, grasping, trusting
for a cure

I've always been the kind of person who throws
the crochet needle
when I can't get the string through the loop

my grandma used to try to teach me
but when I couldn't do it
the tears started,
then the anger,
then it felt like the end of the world
because yet again, another thing I failed

One day, I want to be the kind of person who tries again
and succeeds

it was pitch black
i was young and small
perched on your lap
your rough hands trailing mine
i was safe
you set me down
told me you would never abandon me

it was bright
i was confused and sullen
on the coarse cobblestone I sat alone
rays of light skimmed my flesh
i was a fish far from the sea
lying down i remembered your gentle words
your soothing eyes

how the time escaped us
how the unexpected broke our promise
how I wish i was in your embrace

but I can't do nothing
but see your face
your hands
your eyes
your lips
all behind the eyelids at my weakest time

In the dark we don't see our problems
All we can do is feel them
Trickling
Making there way through us
And there's no light
No sunshine to dry our tears
Vanish our fears
No it's just us against the dark

the blackness is demanding
its tearing at my skin
your hand is supposed to be gripping mine
because that's how it goes- how it's meant to be
but you're not here
~
the dark is squeezing, covering my eyes
I can't feel a thing
the air is ricocheting against my throat- it wants out
I've forgotten how to breathe
but, you're not here,
strong arms showing me how it's supposed to go, and gentle touches convincing me it's meant to be
~
darkness is in your place
and every night it returns
reminding me
what we had-
is buried six feet deep with your soul
in a casket, I'll never see
~
and I don't know how it's supposed to go, and I'm not convinced this was meant to be

he grabs my hips- and I'm by his side
he traces my skin- and I'm shrinking inside
he tugs my hair- and I'm convinced this is love
he bites my neck- and I'm high above

purple & dark blue
when I close my eyes,
ache and regret
when I tell them the lies

why did I let him
convince me
he was worth my time

why did I let him
touch me
cold hands marking every inch of me

why did I let him
see me
his crystal blues watching my every move

There's either too much to say
or too little
We have no happy medium
We're at a fork in the road
You're telling me to go to the right
But you're not telling me why

If I depend on you,
take your hand,
close my eyes,
will you leave me on the side of the road
or will you push me off the edge?
I want to believe you'll pull me close, lead me around the ditches,
stop me from stepping in the highway

I need you to know the extent I will depend on you
and I need you to understand what I see and feel

And that's my greatest fear
I've slithered through the barrier and I've already trusted you
And you don't know me for who I really am
And now everything, every touch, every tear, all depends on you.

He was like no other

The small things that made me happy

Didn't matter to him

What really mattered was the poison that tainted his veins

It ****** the life out of him

And made him deranged

I've finally realized how you see me
I'm the whip cream on the top of your hot chocolate
or maybe on the top of your ice cream
either way
for a few minutes- I am the greatest thing ever
maybe you even anticipate me

In a flash
I am gone
You take all of me away
And I try to cling to whatever I can reach
But, you always win

I've built so much of me up
for you, it's so easy to take me down
Now I've finally discovered what I need to do
It won't be any easy

But I need to leave,
for me

Our hands interlock,
yet,
we couldn't be any farther away.

Anxiety ridden
everything
the ground
the exterior
shakes
and I'm standing alone

extending my arms
grasping for something
if only to keep me from falling
all my fingers find
is the chill of the air
sweeping the wind

and that I know
is the feeling of solitude
a great reminder
I have to do this on my own

i don't want to talk no more
not a word
not a sound
figure me out
if you can

i don't think I'm worth it
not a hug
not a tear
you'll figure that out, you'll see

i don't want to be alone
but i am
but you want that to change
you'll figure out why I am, who I am
and why isolation was meant for me

you don't know the real me
.
.
no one does
and no one will
.
.
I'm always going to hide
I'm always going to lie
.
.
don't waste your time

are you really looking down on me?
...that's what they say
but I wonder,
how could you ever love me this way?

are you proud of me?
...that's my question day after day
because I wonder,
how could you ever enjoy seeing me this way?

are you okay?
...that's what I yearn to know
when I wonder,
how could you miss me when you're so far away?

the truth is, I have so many questions
but I don't know where to go
I want to know you
but I'm just too low

She
Enters
Palms kiss door
Feet whisper small steps to the floor
Breath rushes
Shoulders tense
Eyes water
∞
Eyes clench
Posture stiffens
Breath softens
Feet spin
Palms push open door
He
Exits

a cool breeze
miles of sand to herself
why would she ask
to be not alone
people, things, crowded her

like unnecessary clothes worn in the peak of summer
she was already hot
itching to shed her skin
but she knew
beneath everything
an ugly her existed

and if they saw

the skin she built would not shine
no
not anymore
she couldn't risk losing
everything she knew

I'm lying on my bed in the pitch dark
snuggled underneath the covers
my eyes are leaking tears
and I'm too bothered to wipe them away

Sitting up I find
I'm fading
the ground is so far away
and I don't have enough energy to reach

my hands
nor my legs
work
the way they used to

and my mind is skipping
thoughts and memories split in half
the minutes and the hours around me
don't seem to last

I'm less and less than I was
and no ones
bothered to take a look

Tonight I'll be gone
before you get a chance

I'm sitting here
face solemn
waiting for just one person
to question why
and suddenly
I know
they can't see
they can't hear
they are living for themselves

I get up
gaze locked to the floor
now I just have to wait
till everything shatters and the floor
escapes my feet
I don't question it
and they won't see

I'm halfway out
they still don't hear my moans late at night
I wonder if there even real
my only question for them
is what will happen when I'm gone

2:04am
fast car on repeat, I close my eyes

I see little me dancing around the table,
little me looking out the rainy window- waiting for you to come home

isn't it amazing that 19 years later
fast car still reminds me of that day

I have nothing to write that will change us
And every time you hesitate
close your eyes
purse your lips
I know there's no more us

Tonight I met him
don't give me that angry stare
don't embrace me in a hug- and apologize
because you know I want nothing more than us

But we both know
fate
destines us apart

So tomorrow
and all the tomorrows your lungs breathe
keep me in your memories
but
don't remember
me and you
as an *us

this smile
goes to my father
hes not here
theirs not a number of miles that can
trace the difference between us
nevertheless
today I laugh
grin
enjoy the time i have
and better yet
its all because of him

When I publish a poem, it’s like climbing that scary mountain. Or finally riding the world’s fastest roller coaster.  All day you've worried about it, but as you walk off, you’re free. You’ve done it. It didn’t **** you. You’re not a mess of tears on the floor. Everything is good. That’s what poetry is. It’s joining a journey last minute and when you catch your breath, you realize, you’re more than just fine. You’re living, and there are no standards. You are the highest level, and whether the people around you climb higher, or travel farther, it doesn’t matter. You’re walking shoes are covered in dirt, and fraying at the soles, and that is more than enough. You and the words you create are more than enough.

Your talking
but I cant hear you
those coral lips move up an down
but my eyes can't focus
Your hands meet mine
but I can't touch you
why
your an equation that doesn't factor
or
maybe I  just can't figure you out

Happiness
seems like a foreign land
I'm walking there
I'm trying- I am

the paths getting harder to see
I keep my head down
eyes focused
this haze
it's too strong for me

my throats tightening up
I know
what it means

I laugh just once more
because
somehow
I've found the end
when I was just looking for the beginning

summer sun
winter snow

complete opposites
both made her feel

one made her sanguine
one made her shallow

and  in- between them both
the fleeting fall
or the swift spring

it was always the same
she wished
she was with him

his calm serene was a dose
she couldn't seem to find
even in the yellow rays
or the endless white

and at the end she realized
she couldn't find him
because he wasn't meant to stay
he was destined for greater things

Their trying to find the cause of the darkness

they start
locked inside
tangled veins
worthy of a lot of time

this route
covered,
waiting for construction
that doesn't seem to ever come

soon
they'll give up
pack their tools
find something new

and so
with conversations sparse
lack of gentle pleasant warmth
the last push
they'll find something sparkly and bright

then realize
in the end
the entry to the darkness
simply started in my *mind

I didn't have a voice- theirs were enough
I didn't reach for connections- their touch was enough
I didn't smile at the sun- their happiness took up all of the room
I didn't listen to silly stories- their tales were enough
I was labeled- freak

now their wheeling me away


blue and white lights dance in the street
facing the sky
I listen to their silence- finally
I smile- for myself
I touch my hand to the rhythm of my heart beat- I'm alive
I finally whisper, "I'm free"

you send me these words
and I hold onto them like rafters
carrying me to land

the cold tides
still
nip at my skin
and the strength you place on me
eventually always diminishes

because the lifeline you throw me
never tells me the direction
doesn't reassure me
I have the strength in myself


my eyes burn
from the unforgiving salt
my arms ache
from the rough waves hugging me close

I can't last forever- out here
with just words.
I need touch
I need direction

help lead me back to land

I miss your smile
I miss the way your eyes twinkled all the time
I miss the way you could persuade me to do anything
You don't miss my smile
You don't miss watching the world around you
You don't miss persuading me to go on adventures
I miss the gasp my lungs made when you held my hand
I miss having to catch up to your lengthy stride
I miss the way you would get lost in your books
You don't miss my hands meeting yours
You don't miss running ahead of me
You don't miss reading
You've left all these things behind
The day you decided you couldn't survive

if she's a good girl
they won't leave
they will like her
and
if she keeps her distance
they won't see the cracks
she's just a good girl
even if shes dressed in all black

he asks me why
she screams at me
they just watch
and i just wait

eventually he will stop asking
and her voice will die out
there eyes will grow tired
and I'll be alone

just like i was meant to be

i destroy myself
before you get the chance
because the pain i give myself
could never hurt
as much
as your gentle touches
smile wide

you see me at my time of weak
your warm eyes question mine
i feel the pain
pounding my outer wall
till its all gone

i wish you didn't make me feel this
way
every time your presence greets mine

if  only you understood
how inferior i really am

So many nights
I now spend,
begging words
that have no meaning,
to the wall

And from darkness filled of empty spirits to
golden beams of sun
I sit
and wait

But

these eyes won't shut
and these thoughts won't leave
Maybe, i wonder, if- you return
will i be able to sleep again?