i'm not pushing the shift key
because there's nothing left to capitalize
tantalizing thrones of angry kings
their names synonymous with imperialize

i hate you, and you hate me
one of us is lying, and i won't admit it's me
'cause you're everything i wanted
but you're nothing that I need

hollowed bones and quiet whispers
fill what's left of this tired skin
lonely lovers with lost lives stand in line
and await their goodbyes

so as i smash the space key and i silently brood
i hate the way your eyes flicker, the way you say my name
you claim that nothing is wrong between us
but your expression remains the same

i'm not afraid to tell you i hate you,
i'm afraid of what will proceed
the tyrannizing looks of saints and sinners
all believing i have, indeed, gone insane

Time scars all with the wounds they were said to heal
Sure the marks not visible, but the pain is ever so real
Staring at the hands that mend my fate
Circadian rythum thrown off is it too early or too late?
Half or a quater of my past an electrical impulse away
Memories faded by time but the pain is here to stay
The smell of your clothes, a nostalgic aroma
Time heals all wounds as these scars get older

I'd break if I could.
Scream, cry, and kick.
Even if the branch is burning
From both sides
I can't stop; I won't.
I'll be a coward no more.

Ill stand up, like I should.
Say no more of this schtick,
My life is turning,
And I'll weather the tides,
But even if some things don't,
I'm ready to mend what you tore.

I stand at the window,
Watching the landscape around me change.
I think of you
And the way your presence has changed the landscape of my life.
With every white flake that falls from the sky
It reminds me of how much I miss you.
And how much I need you.

I long for your touch,
As so many long for the spring time.
The spring time with it's flower buds,
And the new life we cling to for survival.
The new life that brings us the hope of a second chance
To start afresh.

But the winter winds keep me dreaming.
Dreaming of you.
Dreaming of a future.
Dreaming of surviving this hell they call life.
Because I don't want to die.
But I don't want to live without you either.

And now that you've left me
I'm lost for words.
I don't know what to tell people
Or how I should reply when they ask me how you are.
I can't possibly tell them the truth.
Oh how I hate the way you treated me,
But oh how I miss you.

And the winter winds keep me thinking.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of a future.
Thinking of escaping this hell they call life.
Because now I want to die,
But I know can't leave what few friends I have left.

Just lying awake at night
I can't help but think of you.
I wish you hadn't left me,
Although I suppose it was inevitable.
After all who could ever love me?
My biggest mistake
Was ever believing you did.

2 months and 15 days.
That's how long it's been
Since I heard your voice.
I miss it.
I miss its velvety tone.
I miss your accent.
I miss being able to tell you everything

I would do anything,
Anything at all,
Just to go back to how things were.

But the winter winds remind me
That that can't happen.
Even if you could love me again,
I couldn't be with you,
Because my heart can't bare
To be broken yet again.
It's been shattered
One too many times.

So don't come back for me
And don't come back at all.
For I can barely stand to hear your name
Never mind your voice.
Maybe in time I'll move on,
And maybe my heart will heal,
But until then just don't.
Don't even think about
Coming back to me.
My heart cannot take it.

For B,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I cannot bare to speak to you.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
But most of all,
I'm sorry you couldn't love me.

And if what you quoted to me was truth,
I miss you too.
And what you thought was correct,
I am trying desperately hard to forget you.
It's just not that easy.

I wonder if you still think of me.
If you still check up on me
As I do you, more often than I'd care to admit.

But darling if you ever read this,
I want you to know
That I did love you.
And despite everything I still do.
I'd give anything to erase these past few months
And go back to how things were
When I could hear your name without wanting to **** myself.

I miss you,
Love,
              L

It's here
Here in the moment

staring into that screen

tap it out
spill it now

immediately

Don't let it go
nor let it know

you're recording

but absord it
and store it in

formlessly

Let it fill your glands
your heart, your blood
then hands

but give it room
to breathe

Can't want
can't crave

can't cave to need

can't break
nor take the dream

can't take it

where it doesn't
want to be

You'll get it
where it's going
eventually

just allow it to be

Ten too many
and babbling

red pen lines cover pale thighs and i am almost ashamed.