I miss the innocence of a teenage crush
The blushing and the butterflies
The fleeting glances and tense shoulders
Where you would see them every day at school and ask your friends for advice
Do they think I'm cute? Should I say hi next time I pass them in the hall?
I miss when a kiss sent your stomach twirling and your heart soaring
When holding hands during a movie was newsworthy
I just want to experience the feelings of young love again

I went up to your room
For the first time in eight years
I feel like you are still there
It still smells like you

I am truly thankful
for the kindness
of some strangers
and friends
spontaneously
offering
help

The day I begun to fall for you
Was the day I signed up for agony

When I think about thinking
That’s when things are a mess
It makes me feel less than human
Staring into space into nothing
Heart beating like I’m running
And I am
I’m running from myself
From my mind
And there’s nothing I can find
That will fill this void
This hole inside
There’s acid in my throat
I spit up acid on my hopes
And dreams
And nothing’s what it seems
And though I try my best
I don’t know what anything means
The last decent thought I try to keep
The dark that begins to creep
I don’t ******* for pleasure
I ******* to fall asleep
My friends and my family
They know I’m a liar
They ask, “Are you ok?”
I say “I’m fine, I’m just tired.”

I see you in the stars

I hear you in the rain

I feel you in a warm summer breeze

I hear your laugh in the falling pine needles

And I’m every wind chime

I see your smile in every shiny trinket

I taste your memory in apples

And in hot chocolate

And in pancakes that are slightly crispy around the edges

You’re in every Christmas song

You’re in every tear I cry

You’re in every bird call

And in every shimmering lake