Once upon a time I believed in a God that wanted nothing but the best for me

I believed in an extraterrestrial being that wanted to hold me up and say "I have a plan for you, sweet child."

But when I was 16 I almost killed myself by crashing into a tree because I felt so unworthy, so unloved that I couldn't possibly bare one more day

I was let down so many times, lied to infinitely, and finally after 7 months of prayer with no response I said '**** it' and let go of the imaginary man that was supposed to have my back

One of these days you'll be cozied up in bed, big blankets enveloping you as the heat from your coffee cup warms your fingers and makes your nose run.

And one of these days you'll look over, the sun peeking through the window making you squint and you'll see your lover in their most peaceful state, hair awry and a spot of drool on the once clean pillow case and you'll wonder how you ever got this lucky.

One of these days you and your lover will slowly make your way to the kitchen and while you get the pan, they'll get the ingredients.

And as you wisk away at the pancake batter they'll turn on the radio and urge you to sing along to some bubblegum pop song about love written by someone who has never really experienced it.

And you'll laugh, setting aside the unprepared breakfast and grab their hands, romantically slow dancing with them on your cold kitchen floor in nothing but undergarments and big t-shirts.

One of these days everything will fall into place and every night you'll come home to the love of your life and talk about your day and how it would've been better with them by your side.

One of these days you'll spend the night in, building a small blanket fort around the TV in your living room.

And you'll watch your favorite movie but it'll be a good thing you've seen it a hundred times because you won't really be paying attention.

And one of these days as the movie nears the end and tears ***** your eyes because the guy never got the girl, your lover will kiss you gently, then passionately and sooner or later you'll both be tangled between the sheets and they'll be kissing every inch of you, loving every piece of you without hesitation.

One of these days the mornings won't seem so cold, the sky won't seem so gray, and the nights won't seem so lonely.

And one of these days at 2am you'll think about how you almost didn't stick around but then your lover will pull you closer in their arms as they sleep and you'll think about how you sure are glad that you did.

I laid here last year in this very bed with these very sheets and I could feel my throat closing around everything I've ever wanted to say

I could feel the heat on my cheeks, radiating from inside and pressing out to the surface, trying to warn others that there was a deep, burning hell within my mind

This time last year I sat in the shower, the steam and water acting as a thunderstorm and fog

My vision was blurry and all I could see was a drop of blood trickle down my wrist and the shower floor tint pink

I laid here last year with the thoughts of black roses and a scythe waiting to pull me through the loop that played in my head

Now I lay here this year, in this very bed with these very sheets and all I can see are colored flowers and warm faces and nights filled with so much love I never deemed possible

I can feel my body tire, not of life but of the day and I can feel my stomach flutter at the thought of a future

And just last year I could've sworn nothing would make me feel as much as those blades but nothing quite feels as good as loving and living your life

I am a ship
Waiting to sink; I am a soldier
Waiting for the inevitable battle

I am standing in an empty ocean waiting for a wave to crash over me and I think about you and how familiar this feels.

How I waited and waited; I waited so long for you to come back but you didn’t

Leaving me stranded on a deserted island
I am the sand, falling through a lonely lover’s fingertips
Or am I the lonely lover?

I didn’t know when to stop searching for you; for a sign that you’d one day reappear amiss the war cries and tell me how badly of a mistake you made

Because I had fallen victim to your cruel fantasies and became engrossed in a love that never existed.

I would stare at the clock, tick-tock, watching the seconds crawl by and wonder how long I’d have to wait before you’d tell me you’re sorry.

Even after everything that you did to me, I still hoped that maybe you loved me and didn’t quite know what to say.

It took me many months to understand that this was no riotous romance, it was an abusive affiliation that was one part love and another part fraudulence and oh, there are days I wish you were here but the desire for your false love does not outweigh the fact that you left me alone, with no where to go, thinking about all the ways I could have ****** up to make you leave forever.

If I could have you back I’d love to say yes, but I promised myself that the answer would be no.