i ran,
i cried,
again,
i lied.

i did everything i could,
just to feel alive.

Through the eyes of a hopeful child,
the world can seem so cruel

The brand new 13 year old,
Sawing at their skin because
"Things are so hopeless."

Whatever, she's been filling scarlet napkins two years prior
She wondered if there would ever be a true friend

There's a 14 year old, she thinks she knows who she can trust
So she drinks herself unconscious,
Crying about everything to the ones she trust.
A year later,
when she's gotten her skin torn into by ink,
they all give up on her
and she's back to talking to a knife.

There's a 17 year old who feels so used,
Trusts two people
Can't wait to move out,
but money isn't too nice
Her dreams seem out of reach
but her scars seem to be healing
thoughts of dying happen less and less

Things have been crashing down since day one.

A 20 year old just moved away,
year two of college.

Feels invincible, and maybe one day
she won't hate herself.

It seems I would do anything to feel more alive
They say, I know no one knows me, but they say I can be
Brand new and I can fight, but what the hell am I fighting for?

It's been awhile since I've felt the crushing weight of the world
Imaginary bricks weighing on my ribs
My throat closing in as I stay awake all night again
And shaking as I fall apart,
But surrounded by all of this, I've been able to truthfully say
"I think I'll be alright."

Simultaneously, it seems, everyone becomes more aware
I love it this way, but at the same time, I wish I could have
Kept to myself.

Watch us decay, watch us as we forget who we were
When we were younger, we had real bright futures,
Yeah, we were gonna grow up to be doctors and lawyers, something like that
But we sat outside too long, held hands and watched it collapse.

She said 'The Earth has a lot of nerve, to fall apart on us like this."
We didn't know we were to blame, so we only let it happen
Spent the summer with no hope left to our name,
Left the winter with enough coffee and liquor to **** anyone's brain

The walls closed in around us,
Where the hell were we supposed to go?
We have a lot to be okay with now, don't you think?

Egos are false, they fail you, let you down.
Kick you over, leave you thinking you're better than someone else
Egos are not true, we are all equals, all equally important

Low self esteem is the same in many ways, it lets you down.
Kicks you while you're down, leaves you thinking someone else is better
Your insecurities are not true, we are all important, as well as you.

The only thing left is to be self aware and to know who you are
Become comfortable with yourself, and love yourself
And love everyone around you, including your enemies

I'm not sorry for being unapologetically me
I don't feel bad for my anger or my happiness
I'm not sorry for losing a few friends
I am regretting that I did not love deeper

We spun in circles in the heavy air,
Intoxicated and praying for better days
We spun our circles, and left all we loved behind

I'm speechless.
I am poetry
     When I look at you.*

© 2015 J.S.P.