I have depression.

I suspect I’ve had it for a long time.
It’s only recently I accepted it.

Having this,
is like have an insufferable house guest that just wouldn’t leave.
He was never invited.
I don’t even know why he’s even here.

He’s very persuasive.
He tells me things and shows me what I perceive to be my true value.
I know he likes it here and I’ve had him for so long that I have found strange comfort having him around.

At times, he may slip away without
me even knowing.
But at times, he’d show up.
He’d make a grand entrance.
He’d fuss.

But I’d still wouldn’t realise.

These days,
people know I’m not alone.
People know of him.
People read and watch videos of him.
I applaud them for trying to understand him.
And our relationship.

But it saddens me and it fuels him when the aids don’t do him any justice.
They just allow people to think they know better.
They think they’ve been educated and can start to administer help.
They assume that you’re not heeding their advice.
They think you don’t even try.

But again I applaud them...
For trying so very hard.

This is me and I have a house guest that I’m sincerely trying to manage.



I have depression.

i wish to forget you.
but forever will you remain
in the soft curves
and sharp wit
of my poetry,
hidden
behind double meanings
and shards of my heart,

each line
its own wave,
stroking and begging
the shore
to remember,
please remember…
as seaglass eyes
meet my own,

and somehow
i’m drowning
standing still,
when slender hands
follow their own rhythm
and now
i am fire,
full of flames,

just then
those plush pink
lips
drip sugar-coated lies
and soon
i crave
the inadequacy
of your attention

i wish to forget you.
i may pretend,
but you are tangled
within my poetry-

this love may be mortal
but these words are eternal.

I am not okay today

I've been underwater
about five beats longer
than I would like
Starving for air
yet my lungs
are already full

My vision blurry
Fragments and flashes
of life
and light
and darkness

I am not okay today
For no reason at all
I am not okay

But I will be.

it's the same old story that everyone knows;
one heart holding on, one heart letting go.

i am not a helpless girl
drowning is a sea
of her own sadness
but i have been holding my breath
for too many years
my eyes sting
my ears are popping
my lungs are collapsing from the pressure

please
let me breath

s.s

i really love
the thought of being in love
but i don’t really love
when push comes to shove
you off the bridge
into reality
where we
were never meant to be
this love things an illusion
a man made fallacy

and your ring finger
only holds a shiny rock
because his promise of forever
is long gone
with his ****
down her throat
as she’s on her knees
choking back
secrets of her own
because little
does he know
her husband
is at home
all alone

and neighbor is laying
with a pretty boy
between her legs
that distracts
from the one
laying in her head
and they fall asleep
in a mess of a bed
to wake up
and pretend
to be in love instead
of facing
the loneliness and dread

so we get off
completely unaware
that love is a lie
to pretend we are fine
i would love
to be in love
if it was love
i could trust
but there in no love
in this world, only lust

s.s