Cooked

Meat

Arms

Burnt

******.    I.  _ate.  My.  SELF.

waking up silently screaming
gasping for air at the same time
wondering how it got to be this way

where sleep no longer is rest
it no longer lasts

its become something you avoid
but can avoid for only so long
before you succumb to the horrors again

reliving the worst experiences
over and over
until you begin to break

you wonder if this is how it always was
how it will always be
when the madness will end

each night is the same story
a continuous cycle
where there is no hope of it being broken

you felt like music in my bones 
then suddenly you changed keys 
i was out of tune 
and we forgot the words
it's four o'clock on monday morning
and all that's left
is the memory of your head
on the pillow next to mine
it was here
like this
that we used to listen
to all my favorite records
but I can't now
because when the needle hits the vinyl
i start thinking of you
it's the early hours of the day
when the streaks of morning light
break across the clouds
that I realize
i'm not a morning person
i'm a mourning person

[holyoak]

I wish I never fell for you
Hands on my chest to keep my heart from jumping out
Your name your being you're all I want to talk about
But I don't get it, you don't even flinch
Life's hard for you and harder for me since
You said my name and we shared a kiss
I am pushed aside because of someone else
My eyes stray while you have your way
All I want to do before you leave is say
I wish I never fell for you

I don't care that you left, you know.
All you took was my happiness.


F.Z.**N

Do me a favor.
Just go away.
Leave me alone.

I tell you that every day.
Everything else has left,
So why not you?

Please do me a favor.
Just go away.
And leave me alone.

I thought I had lost you long ago.
But you came back to me.
I guess you never really left.

Do me a favor.
Just go away.
Leave me alone, this time for good.

I pray for this every night.
Want you to leave so bad.
But you never do, always are on the back of my mind.

But please do me a favor.
And just go away.
Leave me alone.

I lost everything but not you.
My friends, my hopes, my desires, my love for myself.
But you always stayed.

Do me a favor.
Just go away.
And leave me alone.

I did not ask for you.
So please go away and leave me alone.
This time for good.

I trusted you.
That's really the gist of it.
That's why this won't go away.
I let many people into my life
Good and bad
Strong and weak
Tender and cold
But I trust so few.
Even those who deserve it
Even those who prove their loyalty
I trust
So few.
I trusted you.
I trusted you.
I think my trust must carry venom
And poison the people I bestow it on
Because you are not cruel.
Not you.
You are not sudden like the strike of a cobra.
You are not cold like ice.
Not you.

None of them were.
None of them ever were before they were
To me.

(Rage more.)

The truth is that I still trust you.
The truth is that I laugh when you say something funny to someone else and your face lights up,
And smile when you get what you want,
And wish you well whenever I look at you.
The truth is that I can't help it.

All I am is sad even though I try
I try so hard
To be angry at you for hurting me.
For hurting me and turning away
As if that helps anything.
For throwing your hands up at the first sign that perhaps
When I told you over and over that you had my trust
I meant it.
And that perhaps
You broke it.
And that perhaps
You might contribute to the storm that is me, well-
You've always stood for storms before
And let them reach your heart.
And you will stand for mine.
The day you didn't leave when I gave you your first chance
Was the day you chose to influence my heart and soul
My self worth
My happiness.
It is a choice I warn everyone not to make lightly.
It is a choice that few understand until they regret having made it.
You like the rain, darling?
You like
The thunder?
Rage MORE-
There is a hurricane in my blood
Every cell
Swirling and savage
And you
You stirred it up
You made it scalding sweet-
And you of all people
You who've seen so very many
Should know that there is no halting
A storm.
No fleeing from it.
No reasoning with it,
And no
Abandoning it.
I trusted you.
I
Trusted
You.

Rage more.

Nowadays I know
That I still exist
Even when you don't say goodnight.

I think my lips are chapped because I've kissed so many boys who don't love me.
You ask me 'what do you taste like?' I don't think its very **** to say regret and sadness.
You say 'when can I taste you' My taste has been passed around so many tongues there is nothing left for you.

He tells me 'I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you' as he kisses my neck. The next week the bite mark on my belly is fading and I can barely remember the colour of your eyes.

My sister says 'you will change your mind' she says, 'all woman want to be mothers'.
I have stumbled in at 4am with the taste of strangers in my throat to see my mother sitting upright waiting for me, I think of the night I spent crying on my mothers lap in a&e;, certain I couldn't make it through the day, the way my brother scowls at my mother, my sister telling her that 'you could've done more, you could've walked away.' I. Dont. Want. Children.

My mum tells me she is old, she is tired. She desperately needs a man to hold doors open for her and carry her shopping. I am trying to remember that needing someone does not mean you are weak.

My grandmother gave me waist beads to encourage fertility. She says 'god gave you those hips to birth children'. Ive never told her that i lost my faith in god the year i lost my virginity.  And if there is a god, i don't want his ******* fertility. I want to break these beads and let drugs engulf me to prove my grandmothers blind faith wrong.
I laugh and pray before our meal and kiss her forehead, 'god bless'.

He tells me 'i know youre *****, its natural'. I laugh and play along for his delight. 'women are just like toys, television, easy puzzles'. I think of my father beating my mother, my fathers face all the men ive walked past in the street. My mothers face is my own.

'if you don't want boys to touch you you shouldn't wear tight clothes'. I think of all the boys who have run their fingers over my back when i was dressed in clothes from neck to ankle. I wonder if god is a sexist man. I wonder if there's any men who aren't implicitly sexist.

He tells me, 'I'll spend hours on you, I'll make you believe in god again'. There is nothing I can do but laugh. I ask him, 'does your mother know you speak to girls like this?'
He ***** his teeth, 'do you always have to be so difficult?'  
I kiss him but I think of his mother, foreign and lonely, 2 sons and no husband.

He says 'you need a real man' I think of all the other boys who have told me that before leaving me.
He wants to know why I'm in hospital so much, 'how are we going love each other when you can't tell me what's wrong with you' I don't want to tell him that I've cut my arms so badly I can see god in my blood, and sometimes the voice in my head screams so loud I black out. I kiss his chest. He doesn't ask again. I resent him for that.

I've been ignoring my fathers phone calls for two weeks because his voice sounds like absence and I don't want to hear another 'I love you' from a man who doesn't know my secrets.