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holyoak Apr 2018
& we find ourselves
after everything
its as if i felt the sun shiver
as it met my skin
the dawn broke
just when our dusk
swallowed us whole
we sat silent
watching clouds burst
into violent oranges & purples
it was gorgeous
a fitting end to something
the sky looks awful after the sun sets
the lack of color
the lack of light
the lack of us
we exploded in light
it consumed us
we burned bright
& what was left behind
was something less
than the sum of our parts
not different but not the same

holyoak Jul 2015
& i dont mean physically
you turned your mind off to me
you shut down & backed out
i was staring at the corpse
of the girl that once laughed
she could breathe life into the room
but now youre a walking tombstone
with the words
i rest in pieces
carved haphazardly into the front
now the only peace of mind i have
is that it wasnt me who killed you
it was your own heart
racing faster than a freight train
& when it beats out of your chest
maybe ill see the real you
soaked in blood
& charging for the exit
not unlike the last time we spoke
i swear you threw the door off its hinges
like you ripped our pages
out of the book
& used them to wrap your cigarettes
breathing in our words
like tobacco
feeding off our feelings
like nicotine
you smoked yourself into a stupor
& wiped your mind clean
of any thought of me

holyoak Jul 2015
empty lighters in shaking hands
reminiscent of our trembling fingers
touching for the first time
sparks lighting
but no fire catches
no pyroclasm ignites between us
a storm rages above us
i cant help but wander the maelstrom
& beg this lightning to start the fire for me
to strike the ground
with almost as much intensity
as i would
the small brushfires
just dont do it for me anymore
i need a wildfire
i need a firestorm
to set our world ablaze
& wipe our slate clean
a worldfire with such intensity
that it burns all traces of you
out of my head
to flood my mind with its fire
& sear it with a new pain
that doesnt involve you
there were never any sparks with us
the only heat i remember
was the cigarette between your lips
taunting me with the fire
i could never start
hand me a match
its getting cold here anyway

  Jun 2015 holyoak
if you've never cried
while singing along to a song in your car
I highly recommend it
I recommend feeling your voice shake
as your mouth forms
the words your mind
knows by heart
I recommend screaming the lines
that hurt
the most
and letting the raw emotion
you always feel like this
but today
I recommend
that you actually
let yourself
feel it.
  Jun 2015 holyoak
wake up
it's a cold sweat
but a red-hot dream
that stabbed you in the side
like a dull rusty blade
that nobody remembered to clean
breathe deep, it was just sleep
but what if you weren't quite free
what if the Deep called you back
and you found out what your brain
decided to keep
hidden between the neurons
you've forbidden yourself from
"look no further"
you tell yourself for the umpteenth time this week
but you know
it'll happen again
you don't know when
but soon
it'll be you and them
in the room where you bled
and not even in the way that gets
someone's attention
you're gonna claw
and you're gonna scream
but who will hear?
it's a mascot's dream
and while we're here
who's team are you on?
this dream won't just disappear
but it's not even a dream anymore
dreams don't leave you waking up sore
you have to get out
you have to escape
but wait
it looks likes there's some more

not again
you've done this before

what's really difficult to ignore
and I'm just curious how
the light fades
right as the punch line rolls out
and maybe one day you'll get
that fists were never meant
for the inside of your skull
and maybe one day you'll know
that the inside of this hull was
compromised by those
overboard thoughts
the one's you mocked:
"it's probably nothing"
but it's not.
  Jun 2015 holyoak
you're welcome.
welcome here.
welcome into my life
welcome into
my heaven and my hell
meet my demons
and the Angels
that help me fight them
welcome here
where music is sometimes
the only way I can feel
welcome to your new home
welcome to
a broken home that has
adopted habits and mannerisms that
make the walls sag
and groan
with pains
a home that fosters
echoing memories
welcome home to emptiness
for fulfillment
welcome home to a mess on the floor
the kind that everyone else just stepped over and ignored

except you
you bent down and quietly picked up the shards of shattered beliefs
you showed them to me and said
"let's put this back together"
and we did
we sat at the coffee table
that before
was just another trip hazard
now serves
as the foundation
for the picture we're putting together
piece by piece
and suddenly
I'm laughing
and the walls are brightly colored
and there are windows open
to a grand sunrise and
for the first time
I realized
I had stopped holding my breath
because I didn't have to count to a million failures
to find
a fresh start
holyoak Jun 2015
no one believed in ghosts
until we realized everyones transparent
no one holds on tighter
than when they realize
they have to let go
but the terrifying part
is that im not sure
if ive ever been held
my hands are made of smoke
my heart is caged vapor
im reaching
for so many people
but im a phantom
made of lies & half truths
how can i be honest with you
when i could never admit to myself
that im a ghost
im a real boy
i chant to myself
as my strings get pulled
a marionette made of fog
the realest ill ever be
is when im spouting
the opinions of others
out of my incorporeal mouth
tying together borrowed words
with my ethereal tongue
as if i have a thought process of my own
whats it feel like to be a ghost?
id say like hell
but ghosts dont feel much anyway
were all living on borrowed feelings
donated sympathy
& hand-me-down ignorance
an army of ghosts
that cant even defend themselves
we bash each other
with words that are almost
as hollow as our chests
no one knows anything
about themselves
but everyone knows everything
about everyone else
we see through each other
but we cant see ourselves
we try to reflect one another
but the vapor is always shifting
its maddening
being so shapeless
yet so defined
i want a body of my own
i want a place i can call home
i want to not be shamed for my opinion
i want to respect others fully
ghosts are meant to terrify
& let me be honest when i say
ive never seen anything as ghostly
as this generation of opinionated plagiarists

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