how am i suppose
to sit here
when the one that i love
is in a city rained with tears
how am i suppose to do
nothing but sit and wait
in the dark abyss

i have always loved change
i have never had a fear of the unknown

but my god
this

this hurts more than
any heartbreak
this hurts more than
any medical procedure
this hurts more than
any loss i have endured

how am i suppose to help the one that i love

tell me
please

if there is a god
somewhere far away
how does he
make these choices
how does he
take life from us
how does he
decide what is bad

if there is a god
somewhere far away
i hope he hears
my screams tonight
i hope he sees the hurt
in my chest

if there is a god
somewhere far away
how can he be so cruel

i would be lying
if i said
i never have issues
eating food now

that i am fully recovered
that i am fully okay

i would be lying
if i said
i never loved you

that i never felt anything for you
that i never felt so vulnerable with you

my entire life
i have been using
my body

to get what i want
to manipulate situations
to numb my own mind
to feel in control

then somehow you

Nektarios
the patron saint
for those suffering
of heart troubles
along with many more

warmed me
at your first touch
warmed me
at your first sight

my cold heart
the one that was always
sharp around the edges
so sharp that people
would bleed out

yet not you

you gave me light
you gave me hope
you gave me love

you made me softer
you made me kinder

i thank you Nektarios

my mother asked me
over the summer
after one too many
gin and tonics
after dancing below
the bright chilly moon

how do you know
this man is different

instantly
before i could even think
the words came out

i would take
every last inch of his pain
carry the pain on my back
carry him on my back
run through the forest of thorns
swim through the nothern sea
if it meant he would
smile at the top of the mountain
while the sun rose again

that is how i know this love is different
that is how i know this love is genuine
that is how i know this love is real

i have hated physical touch
since the age of seven
when the trajectory of my life
would change forever

vulnerable
soft
physical touch

would put a feeling in my stomach
that was pure nausea
the vulnerability aspect
would cause a panic within me

until you

i crave your touch
i crave your hands rubbing my back
i crave your heart beating to the same rhythm of mine
i crave your warm South African tan on my body

i have not felt so safe with someone

until you

thank you

if i am being honest
i did not think
i was capable of feeling loss
from a lover

i always left
before they could
even think of leaving

but you left

if i am being honest
i did not realize
i felt this way at first
about you

it was not until
i was ordering mcnuggets
that you always ordered

it was not until
i realized i started falling
asleep by hugging myself

it was not until
i realized it has been weeks of silence
yet i wake every morning waiting for a text

it was not until
i realized the best parts of my day
are what i want to tell you all about

it was not until
i realized i was craving
your soft gentle touch on my skin

it was not until
the nightmares would come and i would wake in panic
wanting you to hold me

i am sorry
i miss you