my mother asked me
over the summer
after one too many
gin and tonics
after dancing below
the bright chilly moon

how do you know
this man is different

instantly
before i could even think
the words came out

i would take
every last inch of his pain
carry the pain on my back
carry him on my back
run through the forest of thorns
swim through the nothern sea
if it meant he would
smile at the top of the mountain
while the sun rose again

that is how i know this love is different
that is how i know this love is genuine
that is how i know this love is real

i have hated physical touch
since the age of seven
when the trajectory of my life
would change forever

vulnerable
soft
physical touch

would put a feeling in my stomach
that was pure nausea
the vulnerability aspect
would cause a panic within me

until you

i crave your touch
i crave your hands rubbing my back
i crave your heart beating to the same rhythm of mine
i crave your warm South African tan on my body

i have not felt so safe with someone

until you

thank you

if i am being honest
i did not think
i was capable of feeling loss
from a lover

i always left
before they could
even think of leaving

but you left

if i am being honest
i did not realize
i felt this way at first
about you

it was not until
i was ordering mcnuggets
that you always ordered

it was not until
i realized i started falling
asleep by hugging myself

it was not until
i realized it has been weeks of silence
yet i wake every morning waiting for a text

it was not until
i realized the best parts of my day
are what i want to tell you all about

it was not until
i realized i was craving
your soft gentle touch on my skin

it was not until
the nightmares would come and i would wake in panic
wanting you to hold me

i am sorry
i miss you

do i love London
so much due to
nobody knowing
what has happened
to me here

where i can
act like i had
the perfect upbringing
where i can
pretend to not
know pain and suffering

or maybe

i love London
so much
because you have
shown me a new
way to look
at life and our trajedies

to not be ashamed
of them
to feel everything
as it comes

to relinquish control

since i was 7 years old
i have created
so many parts of
myself to survive
to keep myself safe

i am like a chameleon
thrown into new
places and i will
change my spots
to figure everyone out

but maybe now

i am discovering
who Erin really is
before the darkness
crept upon her
and tried swallowing her whole

to be quite frank
i am proud of her
i like her
she is soft
she is resilient
she is me

i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

i think i dissociate
most of my life
ever since i was 7
if i cannot feel anything
how can it hurt me

but

what if i want to
feel everything again
how do i get that back
i am

lost