it's destructive
it's painful
but slicing into my skin
every time I want to write a word down
is the best pain I have ever felt

Maybe this bleeding
isn't bad
and I'm getting rid
of all the pain

But then
I don't know when to stop

today my therapist
said I looked happy
she didn't know
about the fresh bleeding lines on my thighs
or the broken spirit I can so well hide

she didn't know that my world was breaking
because I'm always faking
a smile
a laugh
any emotion at all
it all hurts

everything hurts
I can feel my veins pushing through my skin
screaming to be freed
and I free them
and pull down my sleeves
and hide

I've been hidden for so long
I feel "normal"
and even though its horrible
I thought that harming myself
was a standard method
to cope

but unlike me
the people around
feel calm and sound
most don't get washed up on shores
of death and destruction
by endless waves of emotions

and most
don't believe the best way to cope
is to set your blood free
and to give up your hope.

i glance
at this
clock because
this block
will never
stop
oh how
i hate
this frickn
clock that
only ever
shifts when
i dont
stare and lift
my hands
to my
head where
these thoughts don’t
fit
oh my god
where is my
sanity
all i have left
is profanity
i need to
purge myself
of vanity
and
focus
focus
focus
on this clock
that prevents
me of thought
oh what i
would give
to not
live in this
twisted plot
where tears
fall
and fears
stall
and ears
hear all
they should
not
but i cry
nonetheless
maybe if i
die i can
finally shed
the stress
against the wall
here we
go
i sit and let
the demons
call
call
call
my name
to play
their game
but i cannot
blame these
voices give
me the
shame
for what i
create in
this ******* up
head
only adds
to the dread
that follows me around
invisible and
without sound
but still
it drives me
into the ground
what would
happen
if i drowned
in this misery
oh why do i
try to find
victory when
all i ever
win is
self-inflicted injury
another
cut
cut
cut
makes me
feel somewhat
at peace
nevermind the
blood but
the marks might
draw attention
gotta cover
up not to mention
lie
lie
lie
im alright
didnt sleep
last night
im just
tired
tired
tired of
this fight
that just might
end me
what will
come free my mind im
floating at sea
calm breeze
my
thoughts tease
me
hope flees
and again i am
left to sit
and grit
my teeth
as class continues
i want to
hit
hit
hit
my head
against
the wall
the bell
sends me
into shock
i glance
at the
clock
as my body
begins to
walk
walk
walk
out of this
hellhole
I have worked
hard for
this
freedom though
i know
it will go
as i return
for school
tomorrow.

the color has drained from my face
the light is gone behind my eyes
Ive stopped sleeping
Soon I'll stop eating
and then a relapse

I'll take out that thin silver blade
The one that only I know about
its hidden in a place
no one would look

I'll place it against my skin
and push
then pull
and all of this pain
will flow from my veins
onto the ground
a crimson river

but if it flows too long
or too fast
not only will the pain leave
but the euphoria will start
And before I know it
my arm is covered in gashes
ones that I won't be able to explain

And then
I feel the colors return
and the light flickers back on
and I am happy

so, fine
self harm isn't healthy
but it makes me happy
so why do you take it away?

I have worn the same clothes three days in a row
the same filth
that ingrains onto my skin
and scratches at my heart
slices through everything

It is big enough to cover the ugly mess that is my body
And my arms encase my chest
when I'm not wearing it
Although I know everyone notices
It's not that I can't afford clothes
Its that my mind can't accept them

I have one shirt
It covers my scars
It covers my chest
the one I want to cut off
just to feel like me
it covers my stomach
the one that aches from being empty sometimes
then hurts from being stuffed full

I want to wear different clothes
I don't want to be looked at the way I am
but in the end
This sweatshirt can feel like my only friend

Yes, it is crusted over with blood
on the inside of the left sleeve
but only because
it is making sure I don't bleed out

Yes, maybe it makes me look bigger than I am
but then after a binge
nobody notices the bloating
because the sweatshirt can hide anything

I don't know
where the metaphor ends
and reality begins anymore