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Lorenzo Neltje May 2021
They've always made me anxious,
I don't know how they work,
& The sun is impossibly golden,
Sinking with hope, eternally out of reach.
I can't
I can

I can't
I can
Do this

I don't know
Don't need to know
Where I'm going

I'm going to get
On the ******* bus
And I'm not going to panic
Wish me luck
May 2021 · 100
Tin can burning
Lorenzo Neltje May 2021
The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost

Don’t you like this game?
Don’t you want to play?
I write essays on the things that drive me insane
Wish i could show you but I’m too scared to burn you
My bones protest but I can’t bear to hurt you
I can’t have you recoil again, not after
The dance it took to bring you here
Yet you reject me until you bring me laughter

The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost

The wick is afire, it burns, it burns
The wicked desire to hurt, it burns
It’s screaming & engulfing & it’s crawling up the walls
Surrender to the dance, consumption
Beautiful, twisting destruction
May 2021 · 76
Lorenzo Neltje May 2021
Shards of glitter flick against dark windows,
Lit to sparkle from city lights
A hypnotic pattern of movement,
In hands
Fluffy toys, keys
The soothing soft voice,
Impossibly gentle
Peeling away at softened shells;
No, I won't answer that question,
Not because of defences
Or pride,
But simply because I do not have the words
To explain exactly why I am at peace,
In a calm moment
From pre-occupied turmoil.

Yellow lattice fences and dimly lit
   train tracks
Are whisking me away to
Some place of unsafety,
And I only want to thank you
For this respite,
Sweet little shard
Of glitter
Apr 2021 · 81
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
The air is cold
I missed this.
The amber glowing glares at my back,
Its glowering concern of my travels
Dipping slowly below the horizon

I forgot this magic
The "wrong" adventures,
The temporary gold of sunlight
Wavering before distant storm clouds

I can't wait for this gathering
After the sun has set,
My peers and "children" singing softly
Away from dangerous homes,

I've missed
Walking away
From the safety of a home
At sunset
Apr 2021 · 77
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Corridors I'm too familiar with,
And will beg on my life in dreams to
     Keep away from
The fingers of fear poke & ***** at my skin,
& Follow,
Follow up deserted streets &
Over steel & iron gates &
Under concrete arched bridges &
I'm too bored to sleep,
Yet my eye twitches;
The need to gather up every empty whiskey bottle
& Every lost and stolen piece of nonsense
For the first time i want to go home,
Because no-one's home
And I'm getting so tired of
Running on empty
Apr 2021 · 52
Her hands
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Too early, too early,
Just always too early,
Time away
From the pull of her hands

I miss you, I'll see you
Sooner than agreed to,
Because I'm desperate
To be away from her hands

Give me time,
Just away from her hands

The slime of her hands
On my skin,
And under it
The smell of her sands
In my brain,
And echoed it's
Of me to run,
Hiding from all of her
Half-cared and throwaway
She wouldn't give a ****

Too early, too early,
I couldn't be
Home today
Need to wait,
For anyone to arrive
I'm a ghost, fallen out of time
Apr 2021 · 184
I don't know what I need
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Messy, messy, messy

Blurry, faded together
Endless piles of to-dos,
Crockery piling up
I just need-

My head
to let me work
I just need to be left idle
please don't leave me idle
I just need-

Just need to be kept busy,
If I can be contorted into
a constant state of distraction
then Everything will get sorted,
Everything is a distraction,
so I can get lost in Everything,
I just need-

To be left alone
for long enough
that I can explain how I feel about
everyone around me,
so I can go through the motions
of everyone's problems,
& Get back to them when I've figured it all out,
I just need-

Don't leave me alone
not for a second,
I can't be trusted,
& it's too loud in my head
when the world gets
q u i e t
Don't ever let it get
q u i e t
I just need-

Apr 2021 · 184
I'm getting better
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Chemical imbalance
I can't stop myself being sad,
Maybe I always will be,
But I know I'm getting better;
I've stopped saying that I want to die,
Because I don't.
I've stopped saying I'm the worst,
Because I know it's not true anymore.
I've come back to joke-bragging.
I'm happier.
I can say I'm amazing at writing,
I can take any mundane description,
   And I can make it read like fantasy,
   Like dreams
I can tell you every which way my confidence points in,
I learn like wildfire and don't forget easy,
And this isn't even arrogance yet,
Because I'll always know the difference.

I'm not always happy,
But I'm getting better
I might not be stubborn enough to
   Always push myself further
But I'm taking the steps,
With or without the chemical help I relied on for a year,
Even if that was the only year I found happiness in
Apr 2021 · 53
Beautiful Nonsense
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
What can I say, of the creatures I do not remember,
Ambling without form or face or shape?
I know it's beautiful to see,
to listen

How much can I tell you, of the world I've yet to write?
The undulation of waves lapping at eroded shores,
The stars dancing through the sky in showers,
And a thousand tongues stolen,
by the wave of a hand over a
    crystal ball

Escapism is an interesting thing,
You sound so alive when you tell me of
   chemistry in all its
       deadliest forms,
Teach me about suffocation,
or the desert of blue sand & burning rain

Let me show you a new kind of beauty,
The nonsensical,
Emptiness has its own beauty,
Just watching everyone else
fill in the gaps

That's where the fun lies,
   I find
Apr 2021 · 264
In the Expanse of Ocean
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Another world, where the stars fly by in scores of showers
And the ocean is cursed with memory that the land cannot keep
Our players enter the scene aboard the Lady Misfortune,
Drowning their toils & allowing the world to drift past.

Until the day black and blue dressed hands drag their nails through the dawning sky & the Sun is sent spinning,
Struggling to protect its precious pet world
Apr 2021 · 51
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2021
Hello again, I missed you
I was getting ready to break in,
We were planning an intervention,
Haven't seen you in so long.

We were worried about you,
Glad you're with friends now,
Back with us,
So worried you were drowning,
out in the open,
You claim not to trust the world,
Yet keep falling victim to it -
Stay safe,

I missed your birthday!
I had a present ready for you,
but I think I knew you wouldn't come.
It's been in this box for two months now,
You kept talking about how much you wanted these,
I made them myself.

I made brownies,
to celebrate you coming back,
I mean,
I don't want to make a big deal,
I don't know if I'm embarrassing you,
I hope I'm not

I just missed you

I'm glad you're home.
Oct 2019 · 980
Lorenzo Neltje Oct 2019
I walk through the doors,
Present the child with a tiny badge,
Yellow, white, purple, black.
I watch the smile spread across their face,
As I call them
"Captain; dear; Mx. Eli; child"
Do not tell me that they are not real
Do not tell me that they are confused
You have never known the inner workings
Of the mind of a child,
You dictate their thoughts and dreams and imaginary friends and fathers.
They are not confused
They know their mind
And they know the world they will grow up in
Will be nothing but cruel to them -
Nothing but cruelty to the little lost boys and girls and neithers,
Because if you cannot experience it then it must not be true,
And you must make up lies you imagine your father must have said
From his passive, uncaring position in the clouds,
Watching drama unfold like a game of Sims.
Tell me I'm going to hell. I'll see you there.
And never talk to my sibling like that again.
Oct 2019 · 81
Ghosts in the Doorway
Lorenzo Neltje Oct 2019
From cold blankets I hear the drizzle,
The raindrops making tinny clangs on the roof,
My sleep interrupted by forgotten tasks.
I get up.
Ghosts fly outside my bedroom window,
Whispering -
"What have you forgotten? You're awake before the sun again,
You look so cold !"

Scampering down the stairs and scrambling to take
Dampening clothes off the line
In the cold morning air,
Ghosts lay on the table, cats
Slinking around the *** plants,
Completely unhelpful,
Echoing a voice that shouldn't be present,
Be quiet, stay out of my head

I suppose I'm awake now

I sit inside, trying to clear my head of the fog dripping heavily outdoors,
Ghosts stand in the doorway,
Glowing because I forgot to turn off the kitchen light -
"You forgot, you forgot
Now why are you hiding?"

I have to laugh now -
Why would I hide unless I was scared?
I didn't hide,
I tried,
I tried so hard not to hide,
Yet my efforts fell upon blind,
Oblivious and unseeing, unknowing eyes,
That's hardly my fault now, is it?

"You're scared, in this empty house-"
I am alone, but this is my home
Now get out of my mind,
You have no place here.
Aug 2019 · 522
You don't have to listen
Lorenzo Neltje Aug 2019
She has built your memories out of lies,
Screamed at you countless times,
And for every hurt she causes you,
tells you it is your own fault
You were raised to be co-dependant,
and then punished for not being independant
You burn books out of frustration
and shut out the world
because you've been "taught" how much more dangerous it is
than your own cage of a house
This fire she continues to twist around you,
Igniting unprovoked anger,
Because you dared to bend a rule she breaks every day,
Lighting up the trail of gas
and burning your memory away,
She birthed you to be her puppet,
and when you wiped the half-done paint job away
she tortured you into submission,
For all the lies she forces you to listen
Maybe we've solved the puzzle of her constant lies,
but it doesn't matter.
she doesn't matter,
but you do.
And I tell you now,
You won't have to listen to her lies
for a friend
Jul 2019 · 135
What was the difference?
Lorenzo Neltje Jul 2019
What’s the difference? The first time, this time?
The first time, it was all I could see - her body, pulsing before me,
I was there,
When she fell,
I was alone,
And I had to leave before I knew she’d be okay

This time, I wasn’t right there - I mean, I was close
But all I heard was the crash and then my own voice I think,
No, no, oh my god

Both times, there was the numbness,
The need to do something useful.
The first time, it was staying by her
The second time, it was running, finding the street names,
Standing by the caller & making sure people would come to help them
But I couldn’t help them

Both times, I was scared by how calm I was in the moment -
I didn’t cry,
I didn’t break down.
I was functional, I think,
I could still think

The first time, I was slow, walking home
I had someone to blame,
Convinced myself we had been abandoned & she was there for longer than she could have been,
But I have no way of proving that

The second time.
I feel strange.
I don’t know what I feel.
Walking home was a mess of emotions,
Every car that passes, a challenger approaching,
Engines, roaring, raring, raging, ready, oh I am so ready,
Headlights taunting, flashing,
And hard footsteps, running, stomping,
And finally reaching the front gate, feeling nothing.

And I still don’t know if they’re okay.
The panicked dissociation around watching someone get hurt.
May 2019 · 136
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
It was too long
It didn't make sense
It didn't suit the tone
It's the only one that fits.
No-one else
Needs to know
How much this was cut down
& Edited in post.

We are allowed,
Into the places we have earned, well worth the work.
Did you hear the news? We’re ready to fly,
We can do this, I have faith in us,
Because there is no alternative.
Our morning, and our journey,
Has hardly begun

That was just under a year ago now,
I remember being disappointed with what I eventually found,
But I remember flying.
I remember singing,
I remember them singing -
Their beautiful voices echoing
up the mountain, and out,
out into the horizon,
to wake the rising sun.
I miss them,
I miss them all.
I seem to have many families.
There is the one scattered, around the world,
where we meet to play games,
drawn together by the torment we endured
& the alliances we rely on.
And there is this one,
Who flew with me,
Up the melodies of the mountains and
Through the dark, silent pleading
of a dangerously calm ocean.
But we don't talk about that,
So I won't talk about that.
May 2019 · 119
What I could see
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
Grey walls, grey floors,
Automatic sliding doors
Green lights, follow, follow,
Obedience was all they know.

He couldn’t remember the rest.
We couldn’t remember resting.
We stood in the dark,
In something similar to that long-dead fantasy,
And we build a new one.

He dances.

His blue hair twists around him,
Stark yellow sunlight spills from cracks in the floor,
And as if lifting great weights from the ground,
His arms raise glowing screens from below us,
We stare in wonder,
He spins, slowly,
His figure moving to a beat only he can hear,
Then the light pulses before us,
Steadily flickering and growing brighter,
Writing appears,
His illustrations appear, his character transforming,
Then he rises into the air,
Metal strings, cords,
Wrap around his torso,
lifting him,
The rafters hold him fast,
And he calls down to us -
It's easy!

One by one,
We all start spinning,
More great light shields surround us,
And, flying,
we follow him to the ceiling.
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
I don’t remember
I don’t remember
No one can remember who she is.
Didn’t this happen before?
White corridors, shopfronts, pink and yellow...
Didn’t this happen before?
I don’t remember
Turning around and, what happened?
She fell, everyone was screaming, and
Someone joked about it the next day

Wait, didn’t this happen months ago?
Why can I remember this conversation?

Why can’t I remember this conversation?

I don’t feel right.

She grabbed a chair. That’s new.
The person talking about it,
He’s wearing a hat.
That, that I remember
Why do I remember this?
Why don’t I remember this?
You’d think I’d remember this

I remember laughing,
Someone laughing,
I remember where I was,
But I wasn’t even there this time
i remember this room,
Or some room that looks the same,
I wasn’t sitting here,
I was standing over there
I don’t remember,
I don’t remember,
The memory is leaving me before I can focus
I saw a face,
I heard laughter,
That poor woman,
I don’t want to remember.
May 2019 · 90
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
Rusty steel mesh barricade covered in faded yellow paint,
Great metallic rumbling & click-click-click-click of the train behind us,
The world is still -
      A near-silent buzz fills the air,
Over the railing, the trickle of a dying river runs down the step,
The violet bushes overgrow the banks,
Great trees, thin & leaning
Reach from the waters &
Drip with the dead pears, black sleeping bodies of bats -

As the sun dips to sleep in the furry trees beyond,
Wings rustle,
Orange furry scarves appear &
Chattery cries echo off the water,
Loud & steady beats of leathery black wings erupt
Snouts calling, laughing, shadows taking off into the dimming sky.
May 2019 · 92
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
Deep & Growling,
Taking steps that
Start to accelerate -
A tiptoe starts to become a sprint,
Through grass & dark overhanging branches,
desperation fills the lungs & red water,
Until a stone, something low turns a
Steady foot ******,
And sprint turns into
May 2019 · 85
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
Twisting, twirling,
green, brown and grey -
light filters through a world created by
strangled symphonies, wars
On a stage in front of the arena,
lurking in the rafters, we are forbidden to watch
as twisting, steel frames roll
In a showcase of
White gowns cloak angelic golden chords,
The heat rises,
soldiers climb silk structures,
fleeing the beautiful horror below them.
We sit in darkness & observe the
Green light enveloping these
Incredible & untethered artists,
Flowers forming and breaking and shattering,
Everything so bright,
So bright,
and though each of us is only following
& though we have seen this now four times over,
We still donate each,
our tiny golden strings
To support those
suspended in great cages,
each knowing how this will continue &
having to pretend they do not -
Green & Brown & Grey
Light twisting, dappled & distorted
As it reveals a scene -
A war, turned into a twirling dance

A fear begins to take hold,
As the surrounding crowd
Settles into their places,
Unaware of the transfixing magic
they will soon see -
Thousands of golden strings
Twist together,
We prepare in
And then we raise them -
A string on its own, weak,
But with one hand each,
One torch, one voice,
Across the thousands of us,
Suspends the observers below.
May 2019 · 87
Falling / Drowning
Lorenzo Neltje May 2019
This is not flying -
This beauty I should have known.
I have never flown.

I never flew.
I fell.

This ocean you describe, I once knew,
Supposed happiness and love
enveloping emotions...


I was drowning,
I never learned to swim,
I buried myself
in the ocean floor
& convinced myself it was happiness.

The saltwater
filled my lungs,
so when the ocean finally left me I froze alone
on the rocks

I have not flown.
I did not swim.
I have fallen,
I have drowned.
Apr 2019 · 150
Drowning / exception
Lorenzo Neltje Apr 2019
Broken, shattered, replying with silence& shrugs to Earnest enquiries,
Surprised when my handwriting doesn't look indecipherable
I find myself talking to
The one person here who doesn't reply with "I feel the same".
How many broken parts can swim together
In this ocean notorious for drowning little lost boys & girls & neithers?

I'm having the same breakdown she is...
You'd think I'd be able to help her.
The realisation that I can't sets in &
There follows the waves and currents
That twist around me, drag me by the ****** wrists down,
And my head submerges before I get a chance to scream -
"Worthless; Idiot; *******; Someone, **** me" I am drowning,
Someone, help me...

I do not signal.
I watch, as she is crowded into recovery -
By the people who have worth,
Who do not lose their voices in times like these.
I make no sign as she swims to the shallow end,
As she talks about her dreams,
The future she wants,
She will have.
And I am happy for her.

She does not know she must have pulled me in deeper with her thrashing,
And so I remain silent
So as not to pull her in again.
If silence is violence,
As we all know it is,
We must all have convinced ourselves
That we are each,
The only exception.
Mar 2019 · 95
Lorenzo Neltje Mar 2019
Two chains
One was a gift,
The other, I got myself.

One, a gift, a symbol
Of beauty, prettiness,
I wore it for a performance
I played the prettybird
Pink dress, purple legs,
It's just a performance
Perfect hair & pretty little dance,
It's just a performance

One, i chose, a symbol
Of movement, otherness,
I wear it always,
While I play the happy daughter
Grey pants, white shirt & tie,
It's just a performance.
Neat hair & infinite patience,
It's just a performance
Listening to lectures I've heard so many times I've rehearsed responding,
And you'll never know it's just a performance.
Mar 2019 · 93
Lorenzo Neltje Mar 2019
This is mine
These crumbling walls,
Peeling paint
And faded gold statues
You put here
And it is mine,
I place flowers in every crack,
Spill dyes of the rainbow across all the walls,
You track mud across my floors and tell me to take better care
Of my temple
I scrub the floors as you leave
And look up at paintings I never loved
Taking them down, I sigh at the detailing on their frames,
See, I can appreciate how hard it is to make something
Even when I don’t like it
Someone else loved these paintings, I’m sure,
So do not come in here and condemn me
For taking them down
I am not destroying anything, this place is destroying itself
I cannot stay in a this building when it is falling apart,
Let me fix it
Leave me and let me fix it
I know how to build, let me fix it
Let me fix it
Let me fix it
I don’t care,
I don’t care,
Stop saying my body is a temple
When you do not see the damage done to it,
You cannot judge me wanting something done about it
I am not sick, I am not crazy, I am not out of my mind
I don’t care how beautiful you think it is,
I am breaking down
This is not a sickness.
This is a desire to redecorate.
Because this is not your temple.
This is mine.
These crumbling walls,
Peeling paint
And faded gold statues
You put here.
And it is mine to repair.
If my body is a temple then I am the one it hails, so only I can say when it needs to be changed
Lorenzo Neltje Mar 2019
Were you scared,
Were you thinking clearly,
When you clearly believed that I was not,
Did anyone but you think to look twice,
At this eroded shell I lock in a vice,
Because I was half-dead when you asked me last
Whether I'd crossed a line to a black world,
Silver steel sharp threshold and ****** blue keys
And you're the only one who checks that I'm not planning to go
So I've convinced myself you're the only one who'd notice

Even though I know
I know that's not entirely true
But noticing is different to giving a ****

No, I take it back, I can't do this today,
I thought I could maybe get stronger but
I can't,
Get me out,
Get me out,
Please let me out,
Let me out of this, this, this
Nightmare, daydream, mind, body,
These clothes, this building,
This fear of death, this struggle of living...

I'm watching her play games on her phone and I'm smiling.
Feb 10
Feb 2019 · 178
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
Someone has to ask, is this
Nothing but a game to you?
Have you noticed, in this circle of sad songs,
There's only one composer with a dry eye
All you seem to want to do is help,
but here we are atop this mountain,
And we can't tell if your
    Cracked, broken voice is a ruse -
Is it any wonder
We dubbed you a monster,
The only one in control
At all the wrong moments -
Can't you lend us some of your
Stone-faced, clear mind
So that next time we break,
No-one can see it,
Can you help us be more like him?
I found this in my book with no date or title, I wrote it several months ago. As far as I remember though, the "him" it refers to later turned out to not be nearly as "tough" or "stone-faced" as I thought when I first wrote it. The power of hindsight, I suppose.

The title comes from where I was when I wrote it, on the Kokoda track last year.
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
See those marks on your arms?
See how I haven't
Been able to look
Under my own shirt
Because you know sometimes,
It just doesn't hurt,
I can't make it hurt enough
I wrote
What I thought was the most explicit
But only one person heard
And she thought
The word choice
Was "cute"

This thing isn't working
Can I take it back?
This skin isn't working
Can I peel it off?
This life isn't working
Can I quit and start over?
See, you asked me outright,
And all the words were there but I couldn't put them together
Couldn't string these
Loose musings
Into unity
Enough to form a sentence together
I thought
I was supposed to be good at this?

responsible, can't leave

Am I selfish for not wanting to leave?
Or for not wanting to stay?
Because no-one would notice, let alone care -
Except maybe her, and her,
And maybe him,
And them, and -

And I'm still learning guitar,
And I haven't checked my emails,
And it's not fair to leave without cleaning my room first,
And, And, And,
And that rock would name me incorrectly,
And I'd still be called "daughter",
And I haven't looked up those artists yet,
And I want to learn all the words first,
And, And, And...

I can't stop thinking about how they'd all react
And I can't seem to imagine it would bother anyone for long
I just need someone to tell me I'm wrong
You're always right.
Feb 2019 · 188
But that's my problem
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
White shirt, grey lining,
Cotton and spandex binding
This skin, to make me feel whole
You can see I'm half-alive,
My demise I fantasise
Your restrictions are a chain on my soul
I know what my needs are,
Despite your laments.
This second skin will see me through
Your baseless arguments

Don't try to explain to me
All the ways I'm due to burn
Because I've seen enough of that
In this world alone
And I should know,
I don't need your help
Your king will march me into hell himself
And I will greet you at those fiery gates
It seems neither of us could rise above our hate
When my people enter, I will greet them all by name
See, our circles hold a special kind of fame

Among the lucky ones,
Blue, pink and white
We'll be torn apart if they see us,
So it's easier to hide
But how do you hide when your disguise
Is a poison, a pain so deep?
An uphill Battle, hauling lead,
Why D'you think so many accept defeat?
Don't deny us our medication
You're causing more asphyxiation
I have but one consolidation:
That this is my problem
And not yours
Feb 2019 · 159
My heart
Lorenzo Neltje Feb 2019
You are my heart -
     Listen to yourself beating
Be careful how fast you go
     You're a little faster than
          I'd like to be,
So I say, "slow down"
     So I don't miss anything
     Because you are everything I don't want to miss
My chest rises when you take to the skies -
     I try to calm my racing heart -
But I can't seem to slow you down.
Not that that's a bad thing, of course.
Jan 2019 · 114
Lorenzo Neltje Jan 2019
Continue when slowing down seems the only option
Nothing is due,
Nothing is due tomorrow
There’s a chance to get something done before doomsday,
Before the clock ticks down to nill
Because once that happens,
Once we can’t see the screen anymore,
There’s nothing to rely on
And this mind
This world
Is destined to burn
We’ve stopped, we’ve lost the melody
We’ve cut the words they couldn’t read
Ten thousand tangents in our heads,
Threaten to spiral off
Into eternity,
Which one is correct?
Which one is correct for now?
Which one can we go down
This isn’t finished,
I’m scared and I don’t want to create
Another makeshift half-told story
Transitioning between the 200 years
Separating this world from
Something that, by all accounts,
Could be something completely different.
Dec 2018 · 99
Little Thing
Lorenzo Neltje Dec 2018
Little thing,
Reading in the corner
Isn't it more comfortable in there?
Little thing,
Complaining about the cold
With no jacket on
It's a cool morning
And I'm taking you out today
We’re back here,
The empty page should feel different,
But still, no-one seems to know
What we’re doing here?
I’ve climbed 50 cliffsides to get here,
These thousands of pages,
Like a book,
Like a room,
This is a hub of my mind,
I've always seen this -
Messengers running around,
Like mice, navigating a labyrinth,
We are all labrats here
In this
Of our own world -
I wonder if you'll see it that way
One day
Little thing,
Not yet quite aware
Of how much bigger the world is
Than you might have once thought,
Little thing,
Reading in the corner,
I bet you think your book is more interesting
Little thing,
I don't blame you for thinking that
Little thing,
It's not that I don't trust you in this world,
I just wish I could trust this world with you.
Found this in my drafts, half-done, dated July 30th. I figured I'd finish and publish it at last.
Dec 2018 · 113
Wasting Time
Lorenzo Neltje Dec 2018
Glittered walls
Guitar rising
Have you started running yet?
Keep going
Never slowing down
Sore eyes
You want nothing more than sleep
Than this one power
Because days have been wasted
With this sickness
The sickness that stopped you
From ever slowing down

Glittered keychains
Piano plays
You memorise any lines
It's another chore
Like noting down the times of
All the best events
Keep going
When sleep becomes the enemy
When sleep becomes this void
This void that you wish you could turn to
But it's a bottomless pit you'll never fill
Fall into the darkness
Get up
Heavy breathing
You've always prided yourself
On thinking
You'd be able to pick yourself back up
Thinking sure as hell no-one would help
Well maybe that was true once
But it's not anymore
So you don't have to be scared of falling
not anymore
Falling's half the fun
It's the only way to feel alive
It's the only way to keep you down here
When nothing in the world feels real anymore
You've got the world
You've got the voids between them

And you can sleep without being scared
Of not waking up tomorrow
First written, without a title, on April 12.
Dec 2018 · 3.9k
Lorenzo Neltje Dec 2018
Tick, tick,
Down, down,
the watch beeps
On the hour,
Every hour,
I always hear it,
I go to bed at nine,
And can hear it counting,
Now I have to wake up in an hour and a half,
I didn’t sleep,
Should I have done something instead?
Maybe done that essay,
Or finished those slides,
I have so much work to do
But I’m stuck inside
My own head, filled with
This fog of exhaustion
And confusion,
Why can’t I just
Instead of
Purgatory in my bed,
But I’m so dreading the upcoming hell
There’s a part of me that
Wants to stay awake,
Live through the hours
Because I’m not skipping ahead
Like a game, I don’t
Skip the night
Since there are things to do, right?
But I’m not even doing anything
Useless pictures fill my head,
Impossible to put into words,
Fantasies of a history
That never was,
A future that never will be
A creature, almost human,
Glowing with a white light,
With a voice that echoes,
Electronic and demonic
Keeping me awake,
My god, why can’t I dream properly,
In half-remembered fragments
Like my living nightmares
All seem to be...

Turning the alarm off at 6:30,
I realise I haven’t slept at all
I groan and roll over
Then get up.
We have work to do.
Nov 2018 · 253
Grow Up
Lorenzo Neltje Nov 2018
Seventeen-year old boy
With oestrogen caught in his chest,
With flags that he wears like a crest,
Defining his torture with pink and blue stripes
Hiding in plain sight

Sixteen year old "girl",
Asked what she wants for her birthday,
Lost for words, she has nothing to say
"On my birthday I want to not
Feel dysphoria" Replies filled with sighs and a nod
Faking her smiles,
Pretending she's fine
When she hears the word "Girl"

Ten year old "boy",
He's sick of hearing the difference,
Sick of the snickers and whispers that call him
As if he's only half-trying
As if he doesn't hide, crying,
He doesn't know who he is,
But he's sick of criticisms
He's not girly enough,
But not boyish enough,
And everyone insists, one day you'll grow up
And you'll be a real girl
A n d  
Was, for a while,
I learned how to smile,
With genuine contentment, I thought
I am enough...

But then I grew up.
Nov 2018 · 373
Thin Blue Lines
Lorenzo Neltje Nov 2018
Thin blue lines
Are the targets
For your cries
Can’t think
For how sick
We made ourselves.

Thin blue lines
On my hands and wrists, I’m blind
Remove my sight,
Remove my eyes
Take my ties
And cut my lines,
My thin blue lines

Dropping constant lies,
Everything’s fine
Constant false smiles,
I’ll be on time
Tomorrow, today
Keeping away,
Can’t say different,
Won’t it be brilliant.

Thin blue lines
On my hands and wrists I’m blind
Remove my sight,
Remove my eyes
Take my ties and
Cut my lines

Seething, livid gaze,
Look through a haze
Constantly fired,
Easily liars
Tomorrow, today
Keeping away
See red so easy,
Can’t say you’ll see me

Thin blue lines
Are the targets for my cries
Can’t think
For how sick
We made ourselves
Written for my Music composition class.
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