I think I’m broken.
I used to be so ******* skinny
And I didn’t even know it
At my very core I hate what I am
Because all I can see is how much space I take up
I can’t exist this much
It is wrong
I have believed it is wrong for as long as I could develop belief
And that is all I have
I use it against myself
For fear, I toast the paunch

I got tired

Of proving that my dreams are valid,
That the diameter of the me that you see in no way predicts what exists inside

I got tired

Of whispering my words so that those around me could feel tall
Taking up space was a sin and

I got tired

Of hearing my sins repeated back to me

I got tired

Of the burning in my heart as it became ash
Because they like their barbecues

I got tired

Of distracting myself from what I hated most
Because I was scared they might be right

I am tired

Of holding on
Because I forget how to let go

The place where I go
To escape life's flow
A realm beyond your comprehension.
Oh how I love it so

Where, you never said lets be friends
Where, my father never said see you soon
Where the troubles of life stop; weighing down the branch
The branch where you and I go to laugh
as we dream the dreams of children

Where the air is as sweet as your rosy cheeks
Where the sun is as bright as your big dorky smile
Where my thoughts never perish
And the conceptualising flow spills out of my mouth
Where your hand never left my grasp

But every night, I'm scared
I'm scared to wake up
and Leave this realm
The realm filled with an awe inspiring scent
Where I'll never be worth a cent
The place where I can finally wake up
and Be happy

You were amazing
I could feel your thoughts flow through my very body
Every time you spoke
Every time I caught a glimpse
Thats all I could catch
My net was to big
I was fishing for something beyond my grasp
I knew
My body knew;
because every time I want to talk
My body freezes in place,
not allowing me to walk
I was like a middle school girl around you
Except I was 16
Your Black hair
Your Opinions
Your Big dorky smile
I couldn't take it
It made me want to be around you
But it pushed me away
All of these cliches in this poem makes it lacklustre
I know
But I'm just spewing out the thoughts
that come out angrily
every time I open the book
and see your face
With the green light  next to you
Telling me to go
But i'm not mobile
So I just sigh as I close the book
Realising that your intelligence and hilarity will never be near me
Ever again

there is a noose hanging in my
throat
and when I try to tell you I love you
it tangles around the words and
I start to choke
so I keep my mouth shut

and this is not to say that I do not love you but
love doesn't feel like a blessing anymore,
it feels like guilt,
it feels like another promise that
I will not be able to keep, it feels like
an apology that my lips will never speak.

when I try to tell you I love you
I remind myself that
you don't want me to anymore,
remind myself that
this is not what you want to hear from me,
remind myself that
you will not say it back.

when I try to tell you I love you it is not because
I think you need to hear it,
it is because
I want to say it,
it is because
that word has been eating a hole in the pit of my stomach for
too long,
it is because when I
repeat a word too many times
it stops sounding like one
so I'm hoping that if I say it out loud it will
regain its meaning,
it is because I do not know if it's true and
I want you to tell me it is,
it is because I am
selfish
and this is entirely for my own
benefit and/or destruction

and I am sorry because
when I tell you I love you it will be
the last thing I say to you.