It’s running and fighting.
Respectively.
Fighting the running to grasp some humility,
but fearing the loss of value in my true location,
my true state of being.
Do I fight just so I don’t become a disturbance,
My own mind dying, just so I don’t receive more rejection?
It is either protection or pride.
While still chasing that perfect child,
I listen to the lies that keep me from something that might actual help.

I can let go of what you did,
I can forgive pretty quickly.
The problem is,
You changed the way I look at myself.
Now I have to forgive myself for being the way I am.
And that,
That, I am not so quick at doing.

She cares about me.
She looks me in the eye and smiles so hard it makes me wanna cry.
I haven’t been so loved since, hell I don’t even know when.
And I don’t think it has anything to do with,
Who I am or how I see her.
The golden light just bleeds beneath her skin,
and she says,
“I just like to make you grin”.

Back up, restart,
Right after the emotion blacks out.
What was once received?
That put the expectations so high.
Lack of interest,
Lack of action?
What was the driving blow?
Why did the heart feel a wound if the skin never broke?
Confusion and kindness, better friends than killing and curiosity.
It once was thought that it might be,
Thought for good reason.
It once was thought that light could be seen,
Through these eyes of green.
After blue finally turned to brown,
The heart might restart to bleed.
But it seems these thoughts have only given way,
To the weight of missed and mixed messages.

My biggest fear is someone just as willing who loves to cut the strings.
I could be careless all day long, without a single ounce of shame to hang.
Quick explosions, no lasting flames.
The forest would be safe, I’d have fun playing games.

Why do you tempt me.
Just when things might be getting good.
I don’t find it as unwelcoming as maybe I should,
but rules keep me from wasting unspoken promise.
Except my amiableness won’t draw lines harsh enough.

Look up at these walls.
Outside the city, but never really seen.
Lacking in uniform, a past of wars and conflict portrayed in every laid brick
History has shown that intruders have been let in.
Maybe disguised but overtime laying siege somehow.
Still poor leadership, or experience were the enemy,
Not just flaming arrows from the other side.

Researching the most recent battle, the scars still fresh in this expanding kingdom,
The enemy did not conquer,
But the kingdom surely did not win.

Warriors unfit for combat, never seeing blood or swords before,
But now the only line of defense for an unsteady people.
Having heard of war before, or even seen a nearby passing army, each man had an image of military and what they must do.
Full of misguided ideas, but not without trying.

Year after year the warriors grew more delusional than the last.
As well as a hunger for the glory of the past.
Over time, the walls were grandiosely constructed,
Assuming the worst, they made them impenetrable,
Strong enough to hold a Kingdom captive but safe from the outside world.
Building upon the history of painful loss.
As expectation of conflict grew,
Strategies were drawn and planned.

But there were no generals, no veterans to lead.
Everything was up to trial and error, as if a fight was a longed for pleasantry.
Seeking after any tension, pushing forces into every contested land.
Battle after battle experience was pillaged, but forces were lost and surely it did not contribute to the true knowledge of a war.
The possibility existed that meaningless battle further romanticized a full on conquest.

Soon the kingdom would come to realize, a reenforcing of the kingdom itself would prove to make better a future of warfare, or even the midst of a war would not bolster the army.