Life.
It is both beautiful,
and hideous.

It is both happy,
and emotionally exhausting.

It is both wondrous,
and draining.

Life is all of these oxymorons,
but it will never stop doing one thing.

Advancing.
Present to future,
no other direction.
There will never be a moment to wake up yesterday.
The only option you have is to advance.

Life is advancing,
evolving,
changing,
organically.

It's like a song you don't want to end because you're afraid that once it ends,
you won't want to start it over.

Life,
it's full of oxymorons.

I am falling to the depths of which none can recover.
I am falling below the state of the human soul.

I have become something no one understands.
I have become something hideous, and horrid.

I am failing to understand the world and
I am failing to understand myself.

I hate myself and
I hate my surroundings.

I am full of this depreciating nonsense.
I don't know where it comes from,
but my head swims in it.
I choose what to say,
carefully,
as if every word might be my last.
But every thought that I have,
is destroying my will to live.

Sorry,
that was incorrect.

It already has destroyed my will to live.

My mind is running in circles.

It's going from
I gotta graduate,
I gotta make straight A's,
I gotta make my momma proud.

To
I want to smoke,
I want to drink,
I want to die.

It's this bi-polarness that has me on edge.
I don't know if it's school,
or if it's just how ****** up I am,
but I want it gone.

I need help.
And I don't know where to get it.

I'm standing on the edge of a pier,
staring off into the distance.

It isn't a thoughtful stare,
and it isn't a longing stare,
it is a stare of which I posses no knowledge of understanding of the world.

It is the type of stare that a mother has after her husband dies.

It is the type of stare that a child has after their parents' die.

It is the type of stare that I have,
after life has passed me by.

After all of my friends and all of my family are gone,
I am left to fend for myself.
So I just stare,
off,
and into the ocean waves.

What did I do to deserve this?
It isn't rhetorical, it is a literal question.
If I did something to receive this treatment,
then please tell me so that I can apologize.

I miss having original thoughts and ideas.
I miss being unaffected by societal standards and ideas.
I miss being who I am without having to apologize.
I am who I am, why can't that be enough?

I will no longer apologize,
that is the only thing that I am sorry for.

I am sorry,
that I can not transform into someone,
something you want me to be

While staring into the wall ahead of me,
I think of nothing.
I think of myself; nothing.

I am nothing to the world.
I am without significance,
I am without meaning.

While staring into the wall ahead of me,
I think of nothing.

The thoughts of my mind are burning,
raging with thoughts that have no human nature.

They are degrading,
they are derogatory,
and they are just plain rude.

These are the thoughts that intoxicate my mind,
I am at a standstill with myself and the world.
Do I accept my fate in society and speak aloud?
Or do I shut myself in