You take that usual last deep breath
One last look in the mirror
And lock the door behind you
Headed for the train going downtown

Reminding yourself that Mondays are not that bad
The train stops and you walk down the sidewalk
Avoiding people when possible
Pretending to be listening to music when it's not

From behind you to the left
A cat call and laughter
Slurs are heard
It's all a joke

But your heart sinks
Your hands tremble
Your eyes begin to tear
Your spirit sinks to the ground

It's just another day
Like so many before
That end with crying into a pillow
Wishing this breath was your last

Lj Mark 2015

Remember those old sitcoms
Some of us grew up with
How they used to make us laugh
When life for some seemed so carefree

All in the family, Barney Miller, the Jeffersons
Those were what showed for me after school
And I got used to them and the stories they told
Creating a mindset in me that lasted decades

But understanding life better today
My views have changed
And my heart has softened
It saddened me wondering how I'd have felt
If I was gay and had to watch those shows

The bigotry was so blatant and cruel
The words, the treatment, the ridicule
I watched the disrespect so open in the 70s
And felt so sad for my gay friends who endured it

I cry for you all now
How that all must have hurt
Breaking your spirit just turning on a TV
And not knowing if your feelings would be crushed

Today many of my friends are gay
I recently came out as trans
And I find myself deep within the LGBT community
In heart and mind, body and soul

Life is a road with so many turns
And the point of this is
That what we thought we knew about ourselves yesterday
Often leads us to a life today so different we never would have imagined it

Let go the ugliness of the past
And embrace the beauty and wonder of today
Get to know anyone you don't understand
And love and care for them, and you'll see inside we're all the same

by Lj Mark 2015

Drawstring linen pants,
Unisex from a women's catalogue.
Dark green shirt, tomboy approved.
Enough makeup to hide my faults.
Pink heart earrings, and a silver cross in the 3rd hole.
A silver cross, trans emblem and a silver heart engraved Laura, my true identity, together on a black bead chain.
Silver Lesbian insignia ring with my wedding band on top.
A black 1st finger ring etched with the Lord's prayer.
2 bracelets, one orange one turquoise to match a turquoise hat and dark glasses.
A couple of mists of Acqua di Gioia.
Women's turquoise/orange runners,
And a Victoria's secret backpack.

I didn't really think about the details until evening,
All I knew is I felt comfortable today.
I even went to Kohl's department store alone and browsed, and felt a confidence I'd rarely felt in the past.

Is this how some people feel every day I wonder?
I was so grateful for just today, just one day.
Today I was me

by Lj Mark 2015

"hi...yes...it's rachel...yes I'm doing fine, how about you? good, good... yes, i know it's late, and I'm really sorry, but there's something you should know..."

He was the only guy I met
Who wore a genuine fedora
And for all he struck a figure
He turned out to be a horror.
He was Satan with a swagger
A thin cheroot hanging in his lip.
He got into every nightclub free
I never saw him leave a tip.

His voice was like his words,
Smooth and slick and few.
When he talked everyone listened.
It seemed the proper thing to do.
But later when you remembered
It seemed he didn’t say much at all.
You just remembered his affect
His posture and that he was tall.

I don’t mean to imply he was a loner;
He had his choice of friendly fare.
And, it seemed the were both genders
So, there were lots of us out there.
We entertained, or at least we tried,
Just to keep him where we were.
And throughout the evening’s fun
Competition is what we all were.

So, we flirted and we flattered him
And we kept his cigarettes well lit.
Once in a while one of the silliest
Of our sycophantic group threw a fit.
Most of the time we stuck to our goal;
Some girl went nuts we’d ignore her.
For some mad reason all we thought
Was to please the man in the fedora.


I never heard anyone talk of him
And mention his accent or race.
In fact nobody seemed to be able
To remember aspects of his face.
And he never seemed to walk away
He just faded back into the flora.
He was like a will-of-the-wisp;
A Flying Dutchman in a fedora.

Don’t bring me those bouquets
Don’t clap me off the stage
Because my tour is not yet done
Some parts are just begun.
That would just be so wrong.
I haven’t sung my last song.
You must never forget,
I’m not quite done yet.

I need no one to carry me
It’s not time to bury me
In celebratory flowers
I’ve still got a few hours
Left for me in the spotlight
Tonight is not my last night.
Thought I’ve had my regrets
I’m not really done yet.

There are so many songs inside me
And melodies that will guide me
They want to come out whole
From deep inside my soul
But one thing I am certain
Don’t bring down that final curtain.
I’ve got more numbers to do
And I worked them up just for you.

As long as the crowd is willing
As long as I’m still killing
As you can still hear the applause
There is plenty of righteous cause
To keep the orchestra playing.
That’s all that I am saying.
I promise you won’t regret
That I am not quite done yet.
I’m not quite done yet.