Suicidal thoughts that i know i'll never act upon
Yet they pop in my head and haunt me each night
Thoughts of overdosing on all of my medicines become so strong
That i take 15 benadryl once a week
Because if i dont im afraid
That my impulses will be so strong
That i might actually take my only life
Because i can't trust myself to think straight
At night
I can't trust myself to do what's right
So i spend my nights in a haze
Hoping that the benadryl will make me too sluggish to form my own thoughts
And too slow to move my limbs
That way i know
I will be stuck on the floor
But i won't be dead

Suicidal thoughts that plague me each day
Until i feel i've expended my last breath
On useless things like stupid poetry that nobody will ever read
On ****** drawings of flowers
On stories that keep me up all night because i lack the motivation to finish
Anything that i've started.

Stupid talks with my friends where they waste their pity
On my decaying mind

I know they don't really care
They don't listen when i speak
They don't read my texts
They ignore the things that i try to express
And they treat me like ****
Like my sadness is a personal offense

I listen to them
I notice the signs
I get what they try to convey
Always without complaint

But listening to me
Is a chore that nobody wants
Lord knows i'm just a degenerate

Suicidal thoughts that glide in and slip out
Like the waxing and waning of the moon
Like the tide brought forth on cold and warm days

Suicidal thoughts that never truly end,
But when it's time to talk to my psychiatrist
My mouth is shut
And my mind is closed
And my tongue is locked in position
My voice bubbling and trying to break free
But my lips stay sealed and silent
The clacking of my teeth but not a word comes out

In and out i go
I say what they want to hear

Here
Im fine
Im here
Im great
I don't need medicine

My depression is cured
And anxiety gone
But thats wrong
Wrong
Wrong

I wake up each day
Choking
My chest tightening
My throat constricting
Drowning in a pool of sweat

My eyes won't open
Im dead
Im dead
Im dying
At least i'm trying

My body wants to die
It enforces my mind

I'm not supposed to be alive.


Suicidal thoughts
They never really leave

But i refuse to go away

I refuse to tell
Because i know that if i do
I will truly be alone
And everybody will forget
My voice
My face
Nobody will remember
My screams
Because im screaming hopelessly into a void of nothingness
And nobody can hear
I scream louder and louder
Hoping
Someone will listen
But it's the void
Nobody cares
Nobody hears
Nobody knows

Im screaming


Hear me
See me
please
Just listen for once


But the wind carries my voice far away
And nobody knows

I'll turn to dust
Drift away
Soft and quiet
Gone without complaint

Suicidal thoughts
But i won't follow through
Because if i stay long enough
My voice might reach out far enough
To give at least one person hope
One person reason
To stay.

Because i have lived for fictional characters
I live for words
Words that write me in and out of history
And the people will remember my name some day
Somebody out there will look back on what i've written
And they will connect
And believe and understand the way i feel
And they will be free

Because if i can inspire the way that authors have in my life
If i can make somebody think
And breathe and feel
And see

It will all be worth it



Or maybe it won't

The smell of dirt envelopes me as i run down the street and turn the corner.
Sliding down the wet pavement i feel my bare feet rub raw.
i can taste blood from biting the insides of my cheeks, maybe even my tongue.
i finally escaped after so long.
In the distance i hear a dead girls name being called.
They dont really care i tell myself.
If they did they would be calling a different name.
Mine.
Its only a matter of time once the cops come, searching for a girl they will never find.
A girl who doesn’t exist.

Once upon a time there was a little boy.
He lived inside of a girls body, hiding under layers of soft, silky skin.
Under an itchy dress with sparkling gold thread that chafed his chest as he moved, leaving rashes across his sensitive shoulders.
Despite being pressed into the mold of a young girl, he managed to survive.
His long hair tumbling down his shoulders, in sheets of brown that shined with honey in the sun.
His eyelashes were long. His eyes were dewey.
Freckles sprinkled across his cheeks and small freckles on his arm.
His mother called them angel kisses.
That boy was me.
In first grade he got his hair cut short. His parents warned him that people might think he was a boy. That was okay.
It stayed that way until 4th grade. His hair was in a short bob, shaved on the side. His neighbors called him a ****. One of them bullied him so he poured the kids sprite down his face.
The bully stomped on the boys toe and he bled. That was okay.
In 6th grade, he told his best friend a secret. He wasn’t a girl.
His best friend called him handsome.
She was the perfect friend.

Now the girl doesn’t exist. Her parents pretend she does. She has been gone for a long time.
She is dead. Her parents know that she is gone, but they think if they pretend enough, that she will come back, that if i am denied love and support i will eventually waste away into oblivion, and she will come back.
i’m still running, but now i yell out too.
i am here.
i am real.
I am Ronan

at the end of the night
i find myself
once again
alone
because of course i am
alone
when have i ever been anything
other
when will i finally stop being so
lonely

all this love inside me and still i am
lonely
but not like i used to be.
it doesnt ache the same way.
im not weighed down by this impenetrable grief,
rather it is something that i carry with me.
a brooch of misery pinned to my lapel
this sadness, is so delicate
like a flower, watered with my own tears.
when people say it gets better,
is this what they mean?
do they mean that the depression never goes away
but becomes a quiet hum in the back of your mind, forever playing its solemn tune?

Death takes no shape
                                              no form
As he steals away into the night
His bag full of bones
So light yet so heavy
The hollowed souls of boys and girls
The guilt upon his shoulders
                                   that makes him waste
wasted
                                                  wa­ist
                                                             ­              curved, slighted
soft but dead.
                                          Death takes no shape
                                                           ­             But should he choose one,
                                           It would be a bird
                                             Free, and wise
without the weight of his loves
                                                           ­                                   Her lovers
Their children and family
and pets
         And every once living breathing beating seething soul
                                                            ­   Without the weight of the dead
That constricts his chest until he knows he shall combust
                                    Until he cannot breathe
Choking, drowning
                                                        ­                  Asphyxiation taking hold
Babes that never grow old
The pain of thieving a life
                               Is the pain that death carries
As he slips in through the back door.
                                                     The window she left open just a crack
                                                           ­                  The unlocked side door
Death falls apart each time
                                     Falling to the ground
Before standing up
                                                              ­              And taking another life.
                                     For that is the trouble
Of a living
Breathing
Loving soul
                                 Tasked with the impossible
Named with pain.
                                                           ­  O death takes no shape nor form
                                 But should he choose one
It would be a final breath
A tear gliding down a cheek
For death knows that is the essence
Of life
                                                            ­                                        Rain drops
                                                           ­                                         Tear drops
Wind
Breath
             The very things that connect many to the world
            Are the same things that tear Death apart at night
They are not only the binding
The instrument of life
                                                            ­            But the first signs of decay.
                            Should Death choose a form
                                    It would be a laugh
Because that is the most alive
                                                           ­            That Death could ever feel.

Second place
Always seemed so nice
Second best
Never hurt so much

I see you and wow
Its like i can't even think
My mind can't begin to comprehend how somebody like you would ever talk to me
But its like i said when we met.
People always end up ignoring me
Im annoying and people dont like me
I look at you now and think
God what have i been doing
Thinking of you all night
Smiling when i hear your name
Think of your soft curls that spill over your sleepy eyes
Of your sweet smile
What have i been doing
Because god if you so much as smiled at me
My heart would break
Because i know how this will end
What have we been doing
You with your soft skin
That sweet smile of yours
Your beautiful eyes
And your words that made me believe, just for a second
That i was capable of the impossible
What have you done
You let me believe
Of the brush of fingertips
And the shine of moonlight on your face
You let me wonder
How you would blush when i would push back your curls
How you would smell cuddled up next to me.
You let your name become a melody that i could breathe with
A rhythm my heart would beat to
And now my words are spilling out like ink
Upon paper
The softest leaves floating in the breeze
The salty tears spilling over tender cheeks
Are all mine
The brush of lips against skin
Something i could never have
I want to stop dreaming
Because i see your face
I hear your laugh, sweeter than the soft twinkling of bells against the wind
I'm a whisper in the dark
A shout into the void of unfillable emptiness
What the hell have i done
Dreaming of you in my arms
I let myself fall
And believe that it could be you
And i tried
I really did
I tried to be the person you would want
I tried to be myself
For once
But that doesn't help anybody
Your name repeated over and over until the end of time
I fell for you and your words
That made me feel
So **** real.
I want to fall into a dreamless sleep
Without your voice a crescendo in my ears
Louder louder louder until i wake up
Why do i love you
So much that tears threaten to spill just thinking of what you are doing right now
Are you
Are you
Are you happy
I hope you are
Not with this
Or what i've said.
I mean i really want you to be happy
I want you to smile and never feel hurt
Or sad
Or broken
I want you to dream of worlds where you can do anything
Because you can

Maybe if I try hard enough I can capture the stars that reside within your eyes.
The idea of you sends shivers up my arms. How I long to be in yours.
Would you hold me through the night, keeping me safe and warm.
If I change myself, you can notice the beauty lying behind my eyes.
Maybe if I look hard enough, I can see a hint of a smile playing at your lips.
If I waved, would you wave back.
I am something of a ghost.
Hiding where nobody can find me unless they truly wish to see me.
You are something of a love song, bringing warmth to all who hear.
The thought of you sends my heart into a flurried frenzie
You are a planet, and I am a moon, I live to see you but never come close.
Never close enough to feel the warmth that you radiate so proudly.
I stand alone.
You stand apart.
I float in this desolate place as you laugh across the room.
I am a ghost,
And you are a love song.

PART 2

In time, I shall capture the stars residing within your lovely brown eyes.
I have found love within your arms, you in mine.
You see the beauty behind my eyes and you beckon it to come out.
The sun is shining and I feel free.
A smile upon our lips, like a shared secret.
I am no longer a ghost, hiding in plain sight.
We are a love song, together you and I.
We are the wind and sea, working together.
You and I are dancers, creating intricate patterns done best with two.
We are the stars and the moon, radiating joy for all.
I stand with you.
You and I.
I am not a ghost.
You are not alone.
We are a love song.

I love to write.
I love the way the words pour out of my mind,
The way the letters spill onto the paper.
I love how the letters come together to form beautiful words.
How the words come alive and bring tears into some eyes,
How they pull up the emotions, tug them from your heart.
I love how I can open up.
Everything I own is messy and disorderly.
But my words, when spoken, when written, when read, when sang, when felt.
They are neat little boxes, made of glass.
They are clear and fragile. I don’t throw my words around.

I use my words with a special kind of proficiency.
While everything else isn’t dependable, I know I can trust My words to be neat.
I wield my words with emotion.

falling back to bad habits
to keep me comfort in these days that are too inconsistent for my liking.
i feel the pangs of hunger and i think there is something inside of me.
a monstrous something
a glutton.
i beg and i plead and i shout into the void
"this is not me"
but at the end of the day, when night begins its shift into morning
i find myself eating something.
i dont know what it is.
i look in the mirror and am unsure of who i am looking at.
who is that person with the blood dripping down their mouth?
their face twists and contorts again. it looks familiar, but it has no name.
their smile is like a gaping wound and their eyes are so dark they appear black.
the hunger rolls through me again and it aches in quick flashes of blinding pain.
i stand up and i cannot see.
i am shrouded in darkness and i witness the world get reconstructed in my view.
i cant remember what i was thinking.
i felt it coming though. unable to stop this invisible force brought on by restriction that i know will eventually lead to a binge.
my stomach hurts.
i do not get food.
im breaking out again.
i spent so much money on skincare that i dont even know will work.
will i ever find control?
consistency?

i wake up a few times
in your room
in the quiet dark
an unfamiliar place
and yet i settle down and ease up
when i open my eyes and see
your soft hair,
your sleeping face.
i pull myself in closer to you,
the need to write buzzing at my fingertips
but i dont want to lose any time.
so instead,
quietly,
i lay and watch you, comfortable and content in your rest.
i close my eyes,
bury my face in your chest.
your arms come up around me in your sleep
and it feels like my heart is being torn apart.
blossoming open and making space for more love.
looking at you is an entirely unique experience
of emotion and exhilaration.
new emotions flood me, not yet named.
something grows within me
permeates and overflows, an outpouring of something akin to love but that is so much more
than just that.
i close my eyes again and sleep comes easy.
i wish this time with you would never end,
that i could stay dreaming in your arms forever.
i wish i could tell you how much i love you.
but its an impossible task.
how do you name something evergrowing?
how do you quantify the unquantifiable?
words and actions could never come close.
but i hope they can suffice.
satisfy that hunger in your veins,
the ache in your heart that begs for things real and true.
my heart aches for you
lurching forward, pulling me towards you.
undeniable attractive and love and lust and love again.
to lay in your arms is to know love at its purest form

when i die
bury me with my baby teeth
so the little girl i used to be
knows she was loved
and remembered
dont let her be forgotten

there are no stars in the sky
but there you are smiling,
bright enough to outshine even the sun.
a plane flies overhead
not quite a shooting star
but i make a wish anyway

i am a creature of rage and love
of blinding light, a thousand suns
burning away at night.
the line between desire and anger
is a blurry one
at times i feel split in two
with hatred for the world, for the cruelty of man
and with joy for nature, for a fleeting existence
i love in the way that i hate, with all of me
a fiery passion threatening to take me down with it
i love and i hate like i breathe, erratic and intentional
within me are billions of embers, anything around me caught within the crossfire.
i will burn to ash before my love turns cruel
blurred as the line may be
some days i am disgusted with my rage, my hate
the cruelty that grows within me, never dying down.
there is no part of me that is dormant other than an ability to regulate how i feel.
i am aflame at all times or i am empty save for bits of ash clinging to my gums, dusting my eyelashes.
the wind stirs up another flame from the embers
and the cycle repeats itself.

I thought i could count on somebody
to hold me up as i fall
to hold me together as i crumble.
but here i stand
alone again
and tired
of myself.
and the sun now shines
through the cracks in my mind.
iwant to be warm
but im always cold
and i feel myself turning to stone.
and cold metal fills my lungs.
and im choking on shards of glass.
im biting my nails, and spitting out dirt.

i feel sick
as though ive torn into something raw and ******
and ate from it greedily, gluttonous as ever.
the taste of raw meat, sharp and metallic
sticks to my top left molar. it whispers to me that i am all i will ever be. that this is the best to come and that everything else is destined to be dogshit.
when i get home
i will get a pair of pliers
and yank that molar out of my mouth
and hunch over the kitchen sink
heaving great sobs into the drain barely heard under the whirring of the garbage disposal
blood will pour forth from my mouth and i will do my best not to choke.
tomorrow the sink will be clean
my stomach will be empty
my molar still gone, a ****** hole in its place
and a heavy weight in my chest
but today my top left molar is whispering to me
truths that arent made to be shared
and i cant wait to get home

in the quiet of my room
i mourn the person i used to be
and the person i could have been
i ache over the past
and agonize over an uncertain future
that i dont even know i will see

i cling to my stuffed animals
the same ones ive had since i was a baby
and wonder if time passes the same for them
do they remember 20 years worth of nights.
how many tears are soaked into their faux fur
they look so different these days
worn and loved to literal bits.
patches of missing fur, decades of stains.
the once fluffy Lovey, now a limp sack of fluff,
beloved.

when i am loved will i become worn out and faded
will i see the evidence of each hug and kiss pressed into my skin.

i dont know if i will make it that long.
another 20 years and what will i have to show?
these past two decades have shown me far more harm than love.

theres an abundance of uncertainty that lies in my future. i dont know who i am, or where im going. i dont know what i want.
i wish i could find it in myself to cry, but what is there to cry over?

im mourning a person that didn't exist.
an idea that nobody even had, not even me.

you sit there, beautiful, a soft smile playing on your lips
and i cant help but lean in and kiss them, kiss every inch of your exposed flesh
your name repeats endlessly in my heart,
a steady rhythm, a loving tune
my fingers twitch, longing for you to entangle your fingers in mine
you blossom in the soft glowing light
and it is a marvel to see, a dream turned reality.
i miss you every moment we spend apart,
you follow me into a restful sleep, into my dreams.
you reach out and touch my face
i find myself unconsciously leaning further into your touch
falling deeper in love

the warm glow of your candle illuminates us in a small, dark room
i catch your reflection in the water in the tub and cant help but smile before meeting your eyes
shadows flicker on the bathroom walls
jhariah sings to us through your alexa and you hum along
i lean in for a kiss, it's full of wanting.
love, pleasure and joy intermingling
i hope you can feel it in the weight of my gaze,
in our shared smiles,
with every touch and kiss.
any lingering bits of self doubt wash away with the warm water lapping against our skin.
you move over to my side of the tub and i hold you and i feel loved, full of love for you
i forget to blink, wanting to remain in this space with you as long as possible
but my eyelids flicker shut with every kiss we share
i sink into your arms and feel safe, at ease
every minute spent with you feels right, natural, as though this is what im meant to be doing. that you are someone im supposed to know.
tomorrow i will have to go home, but here in this moment i dont think of home, my thoughts consumed by you, by finding more ways to tell and show you how much i love you

when she moves
she moves like water
she becomes a part of the earth, a limb extending from the universe and pulling me in
when she laughs
the stars shine a little brighter
illuminating the paths we took to get here
both merging into one shared future
when she smiles
my chest fills with warmth and giddiness
all i can do is stare.
and when she speaks my heart soars, beating loud enough for all to hear.
she twirls me around and i feel like the moon, orbiting around the earth
dancing in circles around the one i love
her arms feeling like heaven
and shes calling me home
back to her i always return,
a lovers embrace invoking a higher self
when im with her all feels right
each kiss, an admission, a proclamation of my love
when she dances
the world comes to a stand still,
time slows for a few moments,
beckoning me to stay.
everything falls away and all i see is her
radiant, and beautiful
i watch her reverently
and pray to the universe for a future at her side