Dear Sirae,

One. Two. Three. Wait. No. Restart. One. Two. Three. Get it right or do it again. There is no way of gaining happiness without me. Look at you, you’re so foul and huge. ******* disgusting. So do it. Kneel on the cold tile. Feel your hair sweep forward and brush against your face while you bend over. Don’t be weak, push yourself. That wasn’t enough that came up. Again. Again. Again. I own you and you’re not leaving.

- Bulimia

I just want someone to hold me so tight in their arms the entire world dissolved around us, hold me tight as if that hug would be our last breath. And as you hold me fall in love with me. Jump off the rocks and into the water with me. As we plummet into the cool water everything slows. And then suddenly it’s you, you are air. You will be coming up for a breath of fresh air after spending what felt like eternity under water. And when you hold me in that moment you are my shield, then and there nothing bad in my life can hurt me. I just want to cry till I can’t cry anymore and be held, truly that is all I want. I don’t know who you are or if you’re even in my life yet but please come. Please come to me, I need you.

I want to love her. I do. When I see her I want to welcome her with open arms and offer her the world, but I can’t. I don’t see a single beautiful thing about her, all I see are her flaws. I know she didn’t do anything to deserve me picking her apart like this, she didn’t even come close to deserving it. And yet, here we are. Again. I’ve made her my punching bag for every bad thing in my life. She doesn’t like it now but in the end we will both benefit with the results. So in conclusion to my body, I hate you yet I love you.

I don’t really know how to describe emptiness, it’s not something that comes and goes, it’s always there. Or at least my emptiness is.  I’ve come to the realization that I walk around with a monster perched on my shoulder. And if had to describe it as a sensation it would be ringing, ringing in your ears. Sometimes so loud and overwhelming all you can do is listen to it and pray to stops. Other times I can’t even notice it unless I really think about it. I walk around all day every day with that ringing in my ears. Any attempts to drown it out would be futile, past experiences have shown me this. However the small solace I have discovered among all of this is the rain. The rain has the ability to snap a 100 year old tree and half as if it was nothing, or, it intertwines with the sun creating a rainbow. The rain can break or make something. If something is left out in the rain long enough it will begin to rot and deteriorate, no matter that material. I have tried so hard to **** and drown this monster out in the rain I haven’t realized how long I was out there. Unprotected. Unaware. Vulnerable. Over time I’ve come to prefer rain, over anything. The violent sound of the rain hitting the ground and wind whistling into the air, it’s become comfort while still killing me. I am rotten inside and out, bound to completely fall apart. For years the sight of a rain storm ahead terrified me and I would do anything in my power to stop it, that can’t be said for now. I can see that I am falling apart and nothing can save me, except the rain.

I am terrified of the warm sensation of happiness. The comforting blanket it wraps around you. I had that blanket taken away from me what feels like eons ago. For the past few years all I have known is the cold sting of sadness. The wind screeches into my ear once again reminding me that this land is now my home. All I can feel is rigid air that burns through my lungs. The scrapes under my feet as I walk through thorns and thickets. The never ending rain running down my face and merging together with my tears.  My body and mind are in a permanent state of emptiness. I look around me and I see my demons playing catch with my happiness. It gets thrown, dropped, beat up, scratched, and further away from me every second. As I have lingered in this perpetually frozen place, I noticed over time how the colors began to fade. Anything that was or resembled color is now a light wash of grey. Once you enter this land you are forever encased. Run away from here, as far and as fast as you can. Never look back.