I want to be better.
I’ve made progress, but not the kind i want.
I want to be better.
I’ve come far, but not enough.
I want to be a better sister.
My siblings should not be afraid of me.
I want to be a better daughter.
My parents shouldn't look at me with hatred in their eyes.
I want to be a better friend.
My friends should not want to not hang out with me.
I want to be a better lover.
I should not be afraid to love.
I want to be better.

if you’re like me
you tend to see
the doors
that close
perpetually

You ask me
why am I so loud

why does the sound boil
broil and thunder in my chest
rise up like the wave
vibrate in the soiled earth
pull up and out
strands of melancholy
rageful sound falling listlessly
in heavy breaths
why do my eyes widen
as the screams
leave my lips
and the suffocating noise
burns at your ears
why do my hands shake
my knees tremble under my own
inevitable fall, the weight
the heave
the haul
why do I shake so
why do my lips quiver
like the aching strings
of an odious and
thrumming violin
why does my heart pound
so loud
in sync with my voice

and when the sound drops away
and the room falls silent
and the penny drops
with a clatter
that disrupts the tension
why does the quiet fall so easily
and the blame so succinctly
and why does the shaking
stop
and the numbness
cloud over my eyes
and lips
like mists engulfing the
echo of the
waterfalls crash
against hell or high water
the pale flush of the drained noise
of the quiet within the storm
beckoned by the aching lightning that
holds no sound
and only sharp flashes
why do I sit so poised
legs curled elegantly
eyes half lidded as I let
it wash over you
the crusted horses of that
frothing tide
how can I be so serene
when the walls have trembled
in the wake of my
shaking shouts
in the corruption of my
dark and heady
complexion

am I truly there
to speak
or was it only
in the gallows
of my treacherous mind
to dream up such
madness
that I

girl of quiet

could speak up.

i thought about you yesterday.
despite all the pain you caused me and all the chaos our whole entirity and togetherness was i saw our photo and two years ago today notice and my heart wept for us. you and i it wept. writing this now i feel it in the back of my throat that wreched aching of sorrow and sadness it began to overwhelm me, i swear right then and there in that moment i still loved you and my world could crumble and it wouldn’t matter. it matters. today i missed you walking through the halls of a place i last was and only had been with you before, and here i was walking through looking at the same jeans i had picked out and bought for you, as my new love was buying bullets at the other counter. i was so choked up i just wanted to run out of the building as fast as i could and never look back but i just stood there with this terrible feeling in the back of my throat and swallowed it, then walked out with my boyfriend to his car and we drove away. i couldn’t stop thinking about how guilty i felt and still feel for thinking about you. now i just watched a video and i see your ****** hand and all those times of you throwing yourself into walls and into the earth into objects all of those terrible flashbacks flood the back of my eyelids and i can’t help but cry. I’m full of worry if you still do those things still if you only did those things when we were together was it all just one terrible nightmare of a show or is that how you are and always will be. did you hurt yesterday too? was that as sad for you as it was for me? i don’t have a journal but ill be buying one soon. i just needed to get out these feelings my head was cluttered i was feeling overwhelmed with sadness for my old heart. i pray to god that you are okay and just fine without me and i pray i didn’t make a huge mistake because i think we may be much better off without each other. all we did together was struggle and hurt. but if i see you ever walking the streets and ill look at you with deep eyes because no one could ever understand the struggles we had to go through together i don’t know anyone of this day and age like us that ever felt the poverty and ache and all the hurt that the world is capable of, we experienced that together and stuck by each other no matter how terrible it was and i will always respect us both for that.