Five months ago,
my life was almost destroyed.
The things he did to me broke me.
I tried to ignore what happened.
I tried to cope with it alone.
But five months ago,
I was sexually assaulted
and only now,
am I doing what I should’ve done then.
The law may not be able to stop him,
but my family and friends will protect me.
I wasn’t able to stop him from hurting me,
but I will do everything in my power
to keep him from doing any more.

you told me that you’d be here
forever and always,
but that turned into a lie,
and ended in 7 months and 20 days

every time you yelled
or threatened to leave,
i told myself it was because you loved me.
now i realize
how toxic you were

I’m addicted to you
and the way you made me feel.
I spent the nights after it ended
going through withdrawals
that were almost as bad as when i forgot my medication for three days straight.
Every time i saw you made me
want to relapse
just to feel your skin against mine.
Now i’m no longer addicted to you.
You’re just a bad memory
and a former fix.

you don’t know how horrible addiction is
until you have been controlled by it.
you don’t know how easy it is
to completely surrender to
something that will **** you.
you don’t know how despicable it is
until you are at deaths door
because of addiction.

i only stayed with you to get my fix.
i’m not sure which was more attractive
how you treated me
or
the drugs you gave me.
when we were together
i felt like i could say anything.
it was probably just the drugs.
i only stayed because of the drugs.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i didn’t care for you,
i just used you for the drugs.
that’s all it was.
i was addicted to them
not you
never you.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i was just addicted to the adrenalin.
there was no emotion.
i didn’t like you.
i just liked the things you do.

I jump from obsession to obsession,
each more addicting than the last.
At first, it was an eating disorder.
Then it was cutting.
Then it was him,
the one I thought would stay.
Then it was ****,
who destroyed me more than the others.
He was the one who showed me ****,
and now he’s quitting.
But I am in love with her.
I’m infatuated.
I’m addicted.

I was raised in the church.
I was taught that God, the almighty,
is kind and merciful and great.
I was taught that He has a plan.
But how can I believe in a god
that did this to me?
How can I have faith in a god
that has cursed my bloodline?
How can I love a god
that has never shown love to me?
How can I believe in a god
that has never believed in me?

you said it didn’t hurt,
when i broke it off.
you asked if we could still be friends,
not knowing that being around you,
would break my heart even more.
i said i couldn’t commit,
but it was you who couldn’t take my heart.
i’m falling into pieces,
while you talk to her.
what we had didn’t mean much to you,
but you were my everything.
while i was texting you,
you were calling her.
i can’t deal with this anymore.
i can’t take the ache,
knowing that if you had to choose
between me and her,
it’d always be her.
forever her.
i don’t know what hurts more,
knowing that what we had was temporary
or wishing that it lasted longer.

i’ve blocked your number.
i’ve deleted our pictures.
i tell anyone who asks,
“he was just a phase”.
but when i see you with her,
my heart is breaking.
i can’t stand seeing you with another,
knowing that i messed up something great.
i can see my mistakes.
i can see my flaws.
i know i messed up.
but every morning,
i wake up,
and tell myself,
you mean nothing to me.

while i was sobbing in my room,
you were with her.
while i was having panic attacks,
you were with her.
it’s was always her.
i was just a placeholder,
only there to occupy your lonely nights.
it took me months to realize,
how messed up we really were.
you could never love me,
because you’ll always be in love with her.

The pain I feel is much too great.
It’s a giant beast
inside my brain.
The ice I give calms it down.
But the high it feels is so short lived.
As soon as it wakes,
I’m in pain once more.
Mental shockwaves destroying my core.
The drugs numb the pain inside.
They help me want to live at night.

I keep saying that I’m going to stop using.
I’ve told my therapist and my friends,
but I start to get overwhelmed
and feel the need to relapse.

I make it one,
maybe two days,
before I’m chasing the high,
and ruining my life.

The longest I’ve lasted
was 25 hellish days.
But even after confessing,
I came back to my vice

why was i not enough for you?
am i just too much of the wrong thing?
i already changed myself for you,
i would’ve changed even more.
i want to say i hate you
for everything you did to me,
but i love you as much as before.
i’m still in love with a cheater.
i’m still in love with the one who broke me

i can’t smoke cigarettes anymore
because they remind me of my time with you.
i can’t drink tequila anymore
because it reminds me of that night
i can’t even hang out with you anymore
because all the time i spend with you
just makes the pain so much worse.

She was beautiful
and he was kind.
She was smart,
and i was blind.

I couldn’t see myself with any.
They deserve more than me.
If they get too close,
my secrets will spill.
If they get too close,
my eyes will spill.

My heart beats only for one,
and he left me long ago.
Disappeared from my life,
much like a ghost.

Yet still i wait for him,
as though he may return.
He made his decision,
and i can’t accept.

He ruined me for any other.
He told me i was special.
And when he told her that,
I knew that i couldn’t be.

I am like a bomb,
ready to explode,
destroying all my relationships,
and self destructing til i ghost.

I may not be around for long,
but don’t take me for granted.
When i am able to,
I love hard and fast.

But as soon as you say you do,
I will run faster than i love.
My heart is sealed,
My walls are up,
And I won’t love you
No matter what.

i didn’t fear death until i almost died.
i used to welcome its cold grasp.
i used to wish it upon myself.
now all i want to do is live.
i want to feel the sun on my skin.
i want to see my family live and grow.
i want to love again.
i finally want to live after 8 years of pain

someone said that you die twice,
once when your soul leaves your body
and when someone speaks your name for the last time.
because of this,
i keep my name to myself.
when i die,
i never want someone to know my name.

i want to delete,
all the messages we sent,
and all the pictures we took,
but i’m scared that once i do,
everything we had,
will turn out to be my imagination.
and i’m not ready to let go of what we had

Appetite suppressants can be dangerous
when you have a history of EDs.
It’s so easy to lose yourself
when you are high as a kite.
It is so easy to drop 5,10,15,30 pounds
when even thinking about food
makes you incredibly nauseas.
It’s so easy to relapse into old behaviors
when you are fulfilling the dreams
of you from long ago.

I was carried away from the garden,
in the arms of a man
who stole my soul.
He first got me addicted to him,
then the ice.
He now owns
my mind
my body
my soul,
and there is no way to escape him.
I don’t yet want to escape him.

I started the drugs to numb the pain,
an attempt to forget that almost r*pe.
My life was out of control,
one step away from a rope or pills.
I’ve been destroying myself,
to try to feel like myself.
I’m trying to accept the fact
that i am not yet dead,
that my story did not close on that chapter.
I’m trying to get sober,
trying to be human,
trying to be me,
but all I can see,
are flashbacks of that night.

It has been 5 long months,
since the night that almost ruined me.
For 5 months,
I kept secret what he had done,
but you have been there for me.
My rock,
My stability,
My protector.
Only recently did I report his actions
and the detectives say
that nothing might happen.
But I am on the road to recovery.
If I were alone on this journey,
I would’ve passed long ago,
but my savior has been there for me,
lighting my path home.
I won’t call myself a victim
because I will not let him affect me.
I will call myself a survivor
when I can forgive myself
for what he did to me.

i know i should delete our texts,
our pictures,
our memories.
but i don’t feel ready to get rid of you,
to remove you from my life.
i know i should block your number,
your instagram,
your snapchat.
but it feels so absolute.
i don’t feel prepared to live without you.

Are you there, God?
Can you hear my prayers?
Do you see my pain?
Will you forgive the sinners
who curse your name?
Is there a way to save my soul?

Can i still enter your kingdom?
Do you love me unconditionally?
Will you always love me?
Who could ever love me?
Is there anyway to save me?
Are you even there?

Do you wish you hadn’t created us?
Can you love an atheist like me?
Is there even a soul in my walking corpse?
Do you even exist?
Will you forgive all?
Are you even there, God?

i wish i believed in god,
if only to blame him for my issues.
i wish i believed in god,
just to tell him that he has not beaten me.
i am broken and bruised,
but the blood that stains my past
will not stain my future.
i wish i believed in god,
because when i am in need of help,
i have my mirror to aid me.
i wish i believed in god,
to blame anything but my genetics.
i wish i believed in god,
if only to have hope for the future.
i am not broken. i am not beaten.
i am angry and i will claw my way out
of this hell of my own construction.

i should have let you go
the first time you threatened to leave

I wanna text you.
I wanna call.
But I’ve realized that if i reach out,
I’ll just get hurt.
I still want you,
But i’m learning that what i want
is not what is best for me.

i shouldn’t be wasting my words on you,
but my heart is breaking open,
and i need to get them out,
before they start spilling from my lips.
i shouldn’t be dedicating my poems to you
since i know you’ll never read them,
but i can’t keep the words in.
i knew we wouldn’t last,
i was the one who couldn’t commit,
but that doesn’t mean i don’t love you.
it just means the heartbreak will pass

I used to be in your shoes,
leading people on
making them think they had a chance.
I leave a trail of broken hearts behind me
so maybe this is what i get.
You ripped my heart out and stole the rest.
You ruined me,
But still, I love you.

i act like i’m heartless
to protect myself from the pain.
i pretend i don’t feel anything,
but every time i see you,
it’s like knives are entering my heart.
every word you say to me,
is tearing me apart.
leaving you broke me,
some might say i turned heartless,
but really,
i’m just using my heart less.

I felt as though i’d wandered into heaven
when i did my first line.
I felt untouchable and perfect,
but addiction did nothing for me.
As the pounds fell off my body,
I realized that i sold my soul to satan.

It’s been almost two years,
since i last saw her face.
All i remember,
are her tear stained cheeks,
before she ran without a trace.
She was my first and only.
I loved her like no other.
But to her,
i was just a placeholder.
She only had room for one in her life,
a boy who she loved with all her heart.
He shattered her spirit to pieces,
and i couldn’t glue her back together.
To her, i was just another girl.
To me, she was my world.

None of my friends know about the time I spent addicted to the ice.
I was losing weight faster than normal,
over 20 pounds in three weeks,
and I just said it was stress.
I had dark circles under my eyes
and my skin lost all color.
I picked at every little flaw
and tried to hide it all.
They will never know about my time with the devil.
Or how he still owns my soul.

i wanna say it doesn’t hurt,
but every time i see you with her,
my heart starts to ache.
i wanna day that i don’t love you anymore
but every time i see your face,
i miss what we had.
i don’t regret leaving you,
because if i had stayed,
my heart would be breaking everyday.

i can’t blame you
for how it ended.
i was the one who couldn’t admit
how i really felt about you.
i wasn’t able to let you in completely
or let you get too close.
only now i let you go,
am i realizing
that we were doomed from the start

i cannot love you,
i cannot even love myself.
i can’t expose the part of myself,
that holds my heart.
i cannot bring myself to care for another,
when i can’t care for myself.
i don’t want you to have to deal with me,
i don’t want to deal with me.
my heart was broken long ago
by a girl who cut all her hair off
and told me she loved me.
but when you love someone,
you’ll do anything for them,
and i couldn’t give her what she wanted.
so when i say i can’t love you,
it’s because my heart belongs to another.
i can’t love you
because i haven’t loved since her.

Hands shaking constantly,
heart beating out of my chest,
mind racing a million miles a minute.
Unable to eat,
unable to sleep,
barely able to choke down water.
Pounds disappear from under my skin,
down almost 20%.
Random bruises appearing,
my cuticles always bleeding.
I want to say I don’t enjoy it,
but the euphoria is worth it.
My queen loves me,
my ice queen,
my methamphetamine.

i hope you rot in hell
i hope your corpse decays while you still occupy it
i hope you sit in a cell
counting the days
like i did while with you
you kept me a prisoner
you hurt me time and time again
you made me hate myself
but now i hate you
i hate you more than i hate my r*pist
because he destroyed me one night
but with you
it was every night for nine months

the hardest thing to do,
is leave someone you’re still in love with.
but sometimes,
the best thing for you,
isn’t always the easiest.
and, as much as i love you
and everything you do,
the best thing for me,
will never be you.

I want to say that I didn’t love the burn,
the one single tear falling.
I want to say that I only did it once,
but that would be a lie.
I want to say that I loved it more than you,
but you introduced me.
I loved it as much as I did you.

i’m sick of the sleepless nights
where i am kept awake with anxiety.
i’m done with the constant calls
where you disregard my feelings.
i’m over the days you ignore me
because you have something “better”.
i’m getting rid of you
to prioritize myself.

i love you so much,
but i can’t deal with the insecurity.
whenever i see you with her,
i start to burn with jealousy.
you say you’re just friends,
but i see how you look at her.
she was your first love.
how can i compete with that?
i see how you are together.
i see how close you are.
and it’s eating me alive.
i’m sure that if you had the choice,
you’d choose her over me any day.
i just don’t measure up to her.

Can’t you see that i love you?
I just can’t love you in the way that you want.
You are one of my best friends,
but the way you’re acting is tearing us apart.
When i finally met someone i like,
you should’ve been happy for me,
but all you’re doing is making me cry.
I can’t lose you as a friend,
but i can’t have you as a lover.

i blocked your number,
you got a new one.
i blocked all your accounts,
you used your friends.
i told you to leave me alone,
you contacted me anyway.
so now the law is involved,
and you have to stay away

i’m sorry that i had to let you go,
my heart just couldn’t take the uncertainty
i’m sorry that it didn’t last longer,
i’m not good with commitment.
i couldn’t go on watching you and her.
you say you’re over her,
you say you’re just friends,
but i see the way you look at her,
i see the way you act when you’re together
i couldn’t stand between you two.
even though i am still so in love with you,
it’s time for you to leave.
my heart aches,
but i know this is right.
you are meant to be,
and i’m not going to get in the way of that.
you say i’m the one for you,
but we both know better.
it’s time for me to let go

I keep saying that i’m going to cut him off,
but every time he texts me,
i’m rushing to respond,
i’m always going out with him.
I keep saying that i’m done with him,
but he makes me feel wanted.
And i would rather lose myself than
leave him.

you were telling me you loved me
while you were having a child with her
you promised me forever and always
but i was nothing more
than a temporary phase

I thought we were forever
together til the end.
A story fit for a fairy tale
but you were the dragon
and I was the princess locked in a tower.
You took away my friends and family
made me dependent on a drug.
Always and forever?
We didn’t even last to September.

I wish i could love you.
I wish i could spend my days thinking of you.
I wish that my heart would ache when you’re not around.
I wish that we could be together.

But i can’t love you.
And i spend my days thinking of death.
And my heart only aches when i get heartburn.
We just can’t be together.

You are too good for me.
You care about people.
You are nice and kind and good.
You deserve someone like you.

I am not good.
I don’t care about anyone but myself.
I am mean and cruel and unloveable.
I don’t deserve to feel loved.

I’m sorry that i can’t love you.
I’m sorry that i’m so twisted.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that i gave you a chance.

I don’t deserve someone like you.
You don’t deserve someone as ****** as me.
Everyone knows you belong with her.
And no one knows that i let you in.

So leave while you can,
Before you get too attached.
I can’t bring myself to let you go.
So take this chance.

Go be with the one you should.
Go love someone that will love you back.
Leave me here to rot.
Just go while you still can.

Maybe i could love you,
If i wasn’t so ******.
Maybe i could love you,
if i felt that i deserved love.

I’m going to **** myself soon.
And i don’t want you to feel that.
I’m going to be leaving soon,
And i don’t want you to regret what we had.