What am i supposed to do?
Tell you i’m in love with you,
while you’re telling me you love another.

I still love you,
even though just seeing you hurts me.
I still love you,
even though you were clear that it was over
I still love you,
even though you never loved me.

I will shout your name from the rooftops,
I will tell everyone what you did,
I will share my story to all who listen,
I will remove all power from you,
I will do whatever it takes,
to make you obsolete.
I will do whatever i need,
to make you meaningless

I don’t know which i miss more,
You?
Or the drugs?

I miss the comfort of being sad. I miss those nights when I would cry every tear I had inside me. I miss the relief I would feel those nights. I miss knowing what to expect when it came down to that ache inside my chest.

I once had a step-brother.
Everyone knew he was bad.
But when I revealed what he did that night,
everyone was stunned.
He tore my life into pieces,
shattered my mind and soul.
He almost stole my dignity.
He almost took it all.
That night, he did more than hurt me.
He made it impossible to live.
But then I started fighting.
And i can’t forgive.
He broke something inside of me.
He almost drove me to **** myself.
He almost killed me himself.
So now, I’m an only child.
With him left fighting the law.
Because if you try to hurt me,
I will fight with tooth and claw.

Everyone says that I look exactly like her,
but they don’t know how similar we are.
We have faced the same demons,
tasted the ice from satan himself.
We have fought the same beasts,
trying to avoid our addictions.
I may not get along with her,
but I walk the path she did,
and I can only hope to not lose my way

i’ve stopped cutting
because i’ve found a new release.
i breathe in the smoke,
each hit destroying my lungs.
i know the danger.
i know the risks.
i don’t care anymore.
i’ve got a self destructive personality,
and, darling, nicotine tastes so sweet.

I keep telling myself
“Just one more hit”
“One more line”
“One more night”
But every time I see you or the ice,
my addiction is back once more
and i’m left looking
searching
begging
for a high like the one i got from both of you.

It’s been exactly one year
since the day that started my downfall.
It’s been exactly one year
since i was broken beyond repair.
It’s been exactly one year
since I lost everything.

I bleached my hair a pale blonde
because when we were together,
it was a dark purple.
I’m letting my hair grow out
because when you said you loved me,
it was shaved to almost nothing.
I gave myself a tattoo
because when you laid with me
I didn’t have any.
I am getting over you
because even though i still am attached,
I can’t let myself hurt any longer.
I will change every part of me
just so i’m not reminded.
I will not let you destroy me
because i am the only one that holds the power.

At this point
I’d do anything to be over you.
But i don’t want to.
I want to go back to the way we were before.
But everything you do hurts me.
So now i’m ready to let you go,
even if my heart still holds on.

i’ve had less panic attacks
all because of my medication.
i have to admit
i miss the comfort in knowing them.
the panic showed that i cared.
it showed that i still felt something.
now my entire world is just
numb

the night that i met you,
i slept in another’s bed.
when i saw you again,
thoughts of him disappeared.
i forgot every part of me and him.
i just wanted to hold onto you.
but you, my beautiful peach,
had no clue the ties i held.
he owns my heart,
he fuels my addiction.
even when thoughts of you consume me,
i have to run to him for my next hit.

Please god, any god that is willing to listen,
free me from my self-made prison.
I locked the door and threw away the key.
Please, anyone that is willing to listen,
help me find the key that i lost.
I can’t see in this darkness anymore.
My eyes are open,
but all i see is my illness.
I can’t see the cell i made myself,
nor can i see the key to escape.

i tried to warn you to stay away,
from my poison and pain.
i tried to show you i’m toxic.
the brightest things in nature,
are the most poisonous,
and you’ve seen my hair.
it’s been every shade,
bright and vibrant.
so you can’t blame me for your hurt.

you may have hurt me
but you did not break me
you did not destroy me.
i will always be stronger than you
simply because it’s the truth.
you are nothing
and that is what you will always be.

I want to say that i’m in recovery.
I want to say that I’m getting better.
I want to say that i’m over it,
over you.
But it’s just relapse after relapse.
Hit after hit.
Line after line.
Night after night.  
I’m stuck in a cycle of abuse.
But you’re not the one hurting me.
You’re not the one destroying me.
It’s the drugs
and the late nights.
And myself

my friends keep bringing you up
because they don’t know what happened between us.
everyday i’m forced to relive the heartbreak because we had to keep what we were doing a secret.
all i want to do is cry when i hear your name but i haven’t even shed a tear.
not even when you ended what we had

I can tell I’m getting sad again,
because the words just won’t stop flowing.
I can tell I’m getting bad again,
because I can’t go a day without seeing your face.
I can tell I’m spiraling again,
because all I think about is relapse.
I can tell I’m falling again,
because my days are filled with fog.

You saw the scars i carved into my skin,
said you had some too.
We shared tales of our trauma
and stories of our lives.
I thought we might end up together.
But you found another.
Hopefully one who makes you smile,
like i once did.
I don’t hate you or even her.
I just hate myself for allowing you in.

Like a forgotten god, she walks alone.
As for her sins, she must atone.
She tastes ash in everything she eats,
blood in everything she drinks.  
And she walks alone.

Her stride is quick and confident.
Her mind is dark and incompetent.
When others look upon her,
they see nothing of her former self.
Dark, outgoing, mysterious,
All thoughts that pass.
And she walks alone.

Quiet and shakily, she tells her tales.
Nothing of substance is revealed.
She wears black like heavy armor,
attempting to shield herself from the world.
And she walks alone.

The mask upon her face is to protect,
shielding her emotions, as she is a wreck.
One she trusts, she shouts with glee,
“Jackson!” she calls
“Kendahl!” says he.

When one door closes, another opens,
But this room is made of glass.
All can see her suffering
But none shall pass.
And she is alone.

Her hair is an ever changing rainbow,
hues of pinks, reds, and blues.
With headphones in her ears
She acts as though she doesn’t hear,
the judgmental words of her peers.
And she walks alone.

If people were colors,
she would be black.
Strong, Rebellious, Dangerous.
She would be red.
Angry, Powerful, Passionate.
She would paint the walls with her colors.
But people aren’t colors.
People are pack animals.
And she is alone.

She haunts this world like a goddess from long ago.
Wandering from class to class,
A modern day zombie.
Her confident stride is filled with lies.
Her lack of fear is just a facade.
She is the monster in your closet.
She is the demon in your nightmares
And she is always alone.

Her legs twitch with anxiety.
Her hands shake with untapped potential.
Mind racing with every thought.
She carries herself like something old and lost.
And she walks alone.

Cut her open and you shall see.
The abandoned child that is beneath.
She chokes on the words she is unable to say.
Every “i love you” dies away.
What happens to the girl who seems strong?
She withers away until everything is gone.
But she is the rainbow.
Bloodstained and broken and still flying high.
But like everyone knows,
Icarus had to fly before he fell.

I gave myself to you,
but you broke me into pieces
just to cut lines.
Now all that’s left of me
are small shards.
Drugs won’t break your heart,
but you were my addiction
and you destroyed me.

There’s this girl
who spends her nights laying awake,
wishing to find a reason to live.
She goes through each day fighting,
trying to survive to the next.
She has been hurt so many times,
more than anyone could count.
Her trauma outweighs her will to live.
Her brain tells her that she
does not deserve to live.
She is me
and I will not stop fighting.

i am sick.
i don’t say that to get pity.
i say that because it is a fact.
my illness doesn’t allow me to sleep.
or eat.
or love.
my illness controls me.
i spend my days practicing a smile
at night, i fall apart.
i slice my skin and wish for death.
if i were to die, i wouldn’t be happy,
i just wouldn’t exist anymore.
my anger and sadness and hopelessness
would all cease to exist,
and i would finally be at peace.
suicide may be considered a sin,
but i am pagan.
my gods would accept my surrender.
but my mother would not.
nor would the rest of my loved ones.
but i am not them,
and i just want to die.
my illness is what causes this.
my illness is what keeps me sick.
and i am so sick.
i am just so sick.

i haven’t slept much since i saw you last.
it’s hard to fall asleep
when i no longer have you watching over me.
our late night calls were my saving grace.
i was finally able to get enough rest.
but now i’m back at the start.
my nights are filled with sleeping pills that don’t work
and tears when i think of you.
i’d rather stay awake for ever,
than dream of what we could have had.

I’m spiraling again,
back into the folds of my illness.
I can see the signs,
I can feel the degradation of my mind.
I know the things i’m doing are destructive,
but they are the things keeping me alive.
The things keeping me alive now,
will be the things that destroy me later.
They will come back to bite me.
They will destroy my body,
more than i could do with my bare hand.
I’m in a downward spiral,
and i don’t have the strength,
to bring myself back up.

I’m used to pulling all-nighters.
I’m used to very little sleep.
It’s the story of every insomniac.
But when I take a hit or do a line,
I’ll be awake for days at a time,
staying high enough to chase awake sleep.
I am on my fourth day of a binge,
and sleep continues to evade.
I don’t know if it would be worse
if i simply wait out the comedown,
or if i continue my breakdown.

When you gave me a tarot reading,
in a park in the middle of the night,
he was sitting right across from me.
I did a three card reading.
My present came up as the devil.
None of us knew the meaning,
but we were all shocked.
As we looked it up,
it all became clear.
The card means unhealthy relationships,
addiction.
It represents your shadow self,
and i am constantly held back by myself.

When i start to feel the urge,
to slice my skin into ribbons,
instead i pull out my kit,
and prepare to give myself another tattoo,
because even though it hurts,
the end result is more beautiful
than any scar.

I knew what we had was temporary
all because it was supposed to be
“no strings attached”.
Everyone knows how this story ends,
one party catches feelings and is left heartbroken,
until, magically, the other person feels the same.
But that isn’t how my story ends.
Im left longing for him
while some other girl lay with him.

addiction steals everything from you.
it takes your life and steals your soul.
my mother no longer see me as her daughter;
she sees me as just an addict.
my friends don’t see me as their own;
they see me as someone who hurt them,
betrayed their trust,
destroyed our friendship.
addiction is no simple thing.
it takes and takes and takes
until you are nothing but an empty shell.
addiction is hell

i like to describe my mental illness as an ocean.
my depression is the water,
swirling around me
and
even when it’s calm,
i am being bombarded by the current.
when it’s not calm,
i am dragged under by the waves.
my anxiety is a shark,
even when i can’t see it,
it’s there,
stalking me from the deep.
when i have a panic attack,
the sharks fly into a frenzy,
attacking every part of my mind,
ripping me into shreds.
everyone around me can’t see the sharks,
they can’t feel the waves,
but i am being swept out by the riptide.
And i never learned to swim.

My heart dropped when i read your text.
You said you found another
and you couldn’t be with me.
It sent me spiraling.
I didn’t understand.
If you had truly loved me,
how could you chose someone else?
But now i get it.
You never did love me.
I was just there until you found
someone better.

The worst drug I’ve ever encountered,
is the one that makes everything disappear.  
It makes all your ails go away.
It makes everything seem okay.
I could survive the withdrawals of ****,
but I don’t think I can cope with the loss of you.

you’ll miss them
you’ll think of the good times with them
you’ll try to justify their behavior
you’ll break every time you hear their name
you’ll be constantly looking behind you
you’ll worry that they’ll come after you
you’ll lose trust in those you love
you’ll be broken for a long time
but you’ll eventually get better

Let’s get high together.
Spend the rest of our lives together.
Just for one night
Be my now or never.
Life’s too short to be alone forever.
These drugs are too strong to live whenever.
Let’s overdose and take tonight together.

If life was a never ending winter,
our love would be the icicles.
Never melting and sharp as ever,
Ready to fall, but never reaching that point.

Then we would be together forever,
us two against the world.
A daring duo prepared to fight for love,
No one would see us apart.

But life goes through seasons
And you know what people will say
A pair of women bonded in this way,
And i can’t deal with the stares.

So let’s make the most of tonight
Cause we don’t know what happens in the morn
And my parents don’t approve of this life.
If they find out about this forbidden tryst
We won’t make it out of this.

I am trying to recover,
recover from the assault,
recover from my addiction,
recover from my trauma,
but everything I do feels like enabling my issues

I started the drugs as a way to feel okay.
I didn’t go all in
I just took a few pills.
Now I lay awake at night regretting
what i’ve smoked,
what i’ve snorted,
what i’ve done.
I can’t escape my addictions.
I can only escape this body of mine.

When we first started talking,
I had no expectations.
We were just friends
and that’s how it should have stayed.
But i can’t control my heart
and it was already frayed.

It’s been over a week since you ended it
and i'm still hung up on you.
I still have feelings for you,
but i know they aren’t returned
because you got with another before the night was over.
I’m stuck in a tunnel of unrequited feelings.

i have started to feel like van gogh,
the paint is starting to look appetizing.
maybe when i finally die,
people will romanticize me like him.
maybe when i die,
people will idolize me like him.
but i’m not nearly as good at what i do.
we know him for a reason,
i’ll just be known
as the one who couldn’t make it

I don’t want to call myself a victim,
even though what you did destroyed me, made me question life,
question myself.
I’m still surviving,
still working towards meeting myself.
Not the person I was before any of this,
but the person I will be after I’ve healed.
I am not a victim
because I do not feel like one.
I am not yet a survivor
because I am not yet over it.
I am still not myself
because you still haunt my life.
Right now,
I am just a person.
One who has been dragged to hell
and is just starting to crawl their way back.
You tried to end my story,
but you were just one bad chapter.
I am the one controlling my actions
and I will not be destroyed by yours.

you chose her before i was even an option.
you lied again and again,
saying i was the one for you.
but she is the one you married
and i’m the one left here.
i have so much to say to you,
but you aren’t listening.

my heart still hurts when i see you
2. i haven’t gotten over you
3. i am still hopelessly in love with you
4. there are so many things i wish i had told you
5. my mom still asks about you. sometimes it seems like she cares more about you than she does me
6. i am still in part one of my recovery, where i say i’m getting help, but every night i’m falling apart.
7. i wish i didn’t let my jealousy get in the way of us
8. i still think of you
9. i still love you
10. it’s always you

i can never be her,
so why did you say you want me.
i see the way you look at her.
she’s your entire world.
we would never work out.
i’m too ****** up.
we’d never have what you have with her.
you say you love me,
but all you think of is her.
you say that i’m the one for you,
but you spend all your time with her.
i can’t even admit that i like you,
and she’s given you her heart.
i’m sorry i can’t be what you need.
i’m sorry i can’t love you.
but i still don’t want you with her.
it’s selfish, i know.
but my heart beats for you.
i’ve become dependent on you.
ive completely fallen for you.
but she’s the one that you deserve.

I said i was going to get clean weeks ago.
I said that my last sack was my last.
I am stuck in the cycle of addiction.
There is no escape for me unless i want it
And I feel so much better when i’m high
So my journey on this path continues,
Only to be stopped by death or jail.

you kept me alive when all i wanted to do was die,
but now you’re the one killing me.