it’s easy to put on
a smile and a laugh
but harder to wear it

but all you have to do
is put it on and then
everyone will believe you
that you no worries have
and everything is perfect

show your strength with just putting on a smile
a smile can cure all pain and tears
it can destroy all signs of weakness
just a simple smile

or can it … ?

*(s.m)

when i go to sleep
i lay awake for at least
an hour or three
thoughts, memories and worries
filling my mind
but my mind is empty
i can’t hear anything
but yet everything
i feel numb
but yet i feel everything
every move, feeling and sense
nothing can make it stop
so i just lay awake
waiting
for it to pass
so my mind can get some rest

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the deep blue
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

one girl asks me what happened and if i’m okay
but what she doesn't know is that i heard them
i heard them whisper about me and pointing fingers
they are curious and need something new to gossip about
so i tell her everything is fine and nothing happened
she looks at me and tells me everything isn’t fine
i look at the other girls who is standing in the corner
whispering and laughing, trying to hear what i'm saying
and I scream on the top of my lungs
no everything is not fine, but you don’t care one bit
you just need something to gossip about and something
that you can start rumors about and make me look bad
so I just go with “I’m fine" because none of you give a ****

*(s.m)

i told her i was fine but she looked into my eyes,
held my hand
and said “i know you are not”
she made me feel special
she made me feel like i matter to some people
she made me trust her
she let me into her heart
she held me tight,
listened,
wiped away my tears
but most importantly,
she cared
and she gave me
everything
she is right there every second of the day
and she never left even after all this
i’m surprised and thankful that she puts up with me
my broken soul
and my mind filled with darkness
i don’t know how to ever pay her back
i’ve never trusted anyone as much as i trust her before
she saved my life  

*(s.m)

they all think i was fixed last year
that 6 talks with a therapist was enough
that i’m happier than ever and therapy
can solve anything in a few weeks

bs, depression isn’t just something
that goes away just like that
it never goes away, it haunts you
for the rest of your life

so put your glasses on and look
into my eyes and tell me if I look
fine
my heart is aching and i’m anything
but fine

*(s.m)

it’s 3 am and i’m still awake
i’m watching the video again
can’t believe how long it’s been
and how far away you are
i still dream about you and wishing
that I was there with you tonight
my heart is aching and my eyes
are tearing up once again
i look back on all the memories
with a smile
but tonight all i can do is cry

*(s.m)