I told myself I recovered.
I told myself every day for a year.
I told myself to focus on the positives,
every single thing that could possibly spark some joy.
I reminded myself how alive I was every time I felt numb.
"You're stronger, better than it."

It wasn't until I was choking on sobs and finally feeling the rush that I realized what I had done.
I tried everything I could to feel alive again,
And it wasn't until I was covered in red that I did.

The affect you had on me was intoxicating
Everything I did,
Everything I thought,
I put you first, even before myself
I gave you my all
Every last bit of energy I put into you,
but maybe it still wasn't enough
Maybe I didn't give you the high you gave me,
that adrenaline rush,
the excited heart rate.
I was just there,
but I was there for it all.
I watched myself go from strong and independent,
to quiet and insecure.
Every positive thing about myself I let you ruin.
Broken.
Shattered.
Completely destroyed.
And I don't think for one second you realized what you did.

I hope you never forget the person I made you,
because I know I'll never forget the one you made me.

The weather intoxicates me
Almost as much as you did
Only now I want it to take me away
Away from this place and away from you

I love the rain,
You know that already
I loved how calm it made me
Now I just hope I can drown in something other than my own thoughts

Maybe if I get struck my lightning it'll make me feel as alive as you did
All the energy rushing through my veins might finally run you out of them,
This storm of you might finally pass

I wish I would have seen this coming
Would have heard the sirens warning me of your danger
I thought I was well protected though
Little did I know I'd crash head on with a tidal wave

You broke me
Built me up just to crush me along with everything in your path

Evacuating wasn't a choice, even if I had known
You were the only thing I knew
Even with all the power to wipe me out, I thought your winds would settle
I thought the sun would shine

Now all I see is clouds
I've made this tragic leftover land my new home

every night my mind is suffocated by the thought of waking up the next morning alone, without you by my side.

so i light another cigarette and drag it hard to take the pain away, knowing that it's killing me inside. the easiest way for me to cope is to convince myself that im the cigarette and you're the lighter. get it? without you it's just a cigarette. i need you.

im more addicted to the thought of you than i am the nicotine in my cigarettes.

many of times I've heard the phrase some people are too beautiful for words and you do nothing less than justify their accusations perfectly. Your mind and body is a canvas painted carefully. Every brush stroke telling a story. Every line every curve. you're an original piece of artwork never to be duplicated.

i wish so badly that i could collect my thoughts long enough to tell you how i feel but knowing that words
aren't enough for you I'll just stop here. you deserve more than words, more than the world, more than me.

The voices in my head are screaming now, so loudly that I can barely close
this free write. but without the voices in my head I'm **** near positive the silence would've killed me faster.

they say you should find someone to make you love yourself first.
well they were right.
I know this because I love my hips now.
because your hands fit on them so beautifully that I pray they never change even the slightest bit.
you make me love how cold my feet get.
they go completely numb at times but the warmth of your legs shoots through my body and I wouldn't change it for anything.
you make me love my bad habits.
stupid, nervous issues but you notice them and love me anyway.
you make me love all the way down to how I breathe.
If you're anything like me you'd lay on my chest and count each breath, feel each inhale and exhale.
you make me love the way my voice sounds.
I could listen to your name all day, even when it's my own lips it rolls off of.
you make me love my short hair, even when it's grown out too much in spots.
you gave me the confidence to do it and the confidence to wear it every single day.
you make me love me. for every little thing I am.
because I know that you love every little thing about me too.
and something you love will always be worth loving to me too.

This family is shattered
This house is broken
This body is scarred
This head is scattered
Everything built back up on broken promises
So much pain
I know how to make it all go away
It's easier that way
One
Two
Three
That's all it'll take
I promised though
If it wasn't for you I'd have no problem
But I can't let you see them
I know it would hurt you
I'm sorry
I will always be sorry
I'm sorry I'm such a mess
I'm sorry I'm so ****** in the head
I'm sorry this scares me
I'm sorry I can't just accept love
I can't help but think you deserve so much better
I'm giving you everything I have but it's not enough