Poetry
Some write few lines,
Which relate to an incident they had in this life.
Some write to express what they feel within,
I write to let the fear within me be seen by millions.
Words form from just 24 alphabets,
Each word has its own meaning,
Yet why do i arrange these words in a unique way?
That they let out the deepest feelings in me.
Sometimes i cry out in pain,
Sometimes whatever i do is in vain.
But how can these mere words,
Project what my inner self is going through?
The words in which i express myself.
When i show it to someone else?
Do they feel the same way too?
No two persons can be same,
No two feelings can be same.
When a fruit falls from the tree, the little child is dancing with joy while the Gardner cries in anger.
The words have their own magic,
It all seems like a game of hide and seek..
Do i hide behind these words which i write?
Does my deep inner self, which shouts all the time, make me write the words flowing in my mind into a meaningful verse ?
So, someone reads these hidden words and seek what i truly am.
Maybe i write to hide, and you read to seek.
But we both really look for the same things, our true deep feelings.

He starts another conversation
Talks about how his day has been asks about mine.
I know he doesnt care what i had gone through,
For him i am just a girl he can tell everything to.
I still try to speak,
The words of silence come out of my mouth.
He looks at me, his face with full of disinterest
I know, he wants me to stop.

Does he see the heart inside me?
Does he sees the dreams i dream
About him. Listening to me sincerely.
Does he care i cant breathe, all the while he is ignoring me.
The pain i feel is never ending.
I wanna go back to the girl i used to be.

After a week i call him up,
To listen to his mesmrising voice.
He picks the call to say he is busy,
Another reason to choose over me.
He cuts the call.
My heart stops beating for a second you see,
I try to distract myself,
Playing with the phone.
My mind is stuck at him,
He calls me after an hour to say
Baby i cant come over tonight again.

Does he know how i feel so lonely?
Does he know his i love you's make me believe. How hurtful love gets,
Each time he avoids me.
I feel my heart is cracking,
My body aches. My heart dies,
I walk like a corpse in the funny world full of life.
I wanna be the girl i used to be.

We both dance,
Holding hands.
He smiles and looks at me with love all over again,
He kisses me in the cheek,
And says how i cute i am
When he is around me.
Now, that i think of it. It was all just a dream.

I cheated on her

I lay over the bed of mistakes
clothes all around and a naked body rubbing onto me,
my heart beats and I think of her
my love
my senses stop,
I forget to breathe
I question my existence

Why was I laying here with a woman I have never seen rather than with my love?
Memories flash;
I wave her goodbye promising to come home soon
she knows home is so far from the place I am going to.
Her eyes radiate pain, yet she smiles with agony, because of her undying love for me.

I rush to the bar,
football commentary fills up the noisy atmosphere
I chug one drink over another,
my love appears again and again to me, like an oasis
I want to run away, not make her seem like this.
Frustrated, tired
I look for someone/something focus upon,
blonde all pumped up woman meets my eye
she is eyeing me towards the upper room,
I shouldn’t, I mustn’t
I chug few more drinks
and think of all the time I was all alone,
how good life was,
she comes near me
how the girl waiting for me did.
She takes me to the upper room,
I leave all my morals and follow
the door closes...

I scream I cry
8 years of relationship
she was always there for me
she left her everything for me
and this is what I did in return
to sleep with an unknown woman
while she prays to the almighty
for my happiness
when in few hours
I took all of hers,
my love what have I done.

I will hide this,
it can be a nightmare which never happened
she never has to know
the devil inside me gave advice
the same devil because of whom
I cheated on her
the naked woman wakes up
dresses up and leaves
to her, I was just a one night stand
but to me, she was my eternal mistake.
I sit there,
thinking of all the memories I shared with love my life
how she was at my worst, my best.
I know she would forgive me,
if I tell her all of this.
She would be broken, the woman who held all my pieces together
I can't let this happen
I swallow the guilt
and look out the window
15th floor,
I am about to leap, so my death keeps her alive

my phone rings,
her face glow
her voice echoes#Cheating #sad #sapy
my heart wrenches in pain
I am sorry, I say repeatedly
and she realises what I have done
yet she consoles me,
throwing away all her hurt
and that's when I realised
She was the angel I never deserved

Humanity.

We humans came biilion years ago.
Just like any other species,  
What was so special about us?
Well we believed; to rule the world is our destiny.
We crouched, cradled in nature's love,
Stood up at last, but walking straight
Made us feel superior. 
The lion and tigers, which were our neighbours
Became threats; So we conquered everything. 
One by one. The land, the sea, the animals and the whole world. 
Did that satisfy our greed of power? 
No. We changed the greed into conquering each other.
The unity among one species turned into bloodbath.
We started creating boundaries. 
The boundaries may have united some parts of us. 
Each boundary created its own angels and demons.
Angels controlled our happiness. Demons our greed.
But soon we grew. The senses said lets break the boundary and be one.
The mind intrepreted it wrong,
In our minds it became Breaking the boundaries. Killing the others could make us the 'one'.
We killed and conquered, every day a species died. 
The fire in our eyes, the blood in our veins,
All got high, when one of our own men died.
We tried to put an end to this,
But not all could.
Some monsters were left
Unnoticed, yet craving for destruction.
We all learnt to unite ourselves, 
The monsters viewed as another species threatening to take the useless power. 
They were less in number. But every time when the world unites. 
They **** and break the bonds. 
We start the blame game again. 
When will this stop? 
One monster dies. Hundred saints die with him. 
Maybe, the creator was right.
We are born to destroy. 
But who? The answer lies within us.

The words that I am going to write,
Can be the last words I will write in this life.
Do I want it to end sad?
Do I want it to end happy?
I really have no clue,
The same way as my life.

It all started that time, that supposedly wonderful dawn,
Me breathing and crying when I was born.
For a while I lived in the world full of happiness,
But the feeling didn't last for long,
It was back to me and my sad song.

Some called my tears,
Tears of joy;
Some called it as tears of dissatisfaction.
Oh, did they ever realize all these years,
I just cried in pain of this loneliness inside.

I am saying this out loud now,
The fear in me for the world is gone now,
I feel so light, that I have the guts to stand on the roof.
And jump to end my life.

They'll call me a coward for what I have done,
But these people were the one who made me come to this place anyway,
Wont they be happy to read?
Another one they trapped with their harsh words.
Is no more in this world again.

I don't want to say that
All my life I have been sad.
There were times when I loved my life,
The friends i got,
The family i shared,
They made my life into a beautiful story,
How much i wish, none of them ever left or betrayed me.

My energy is about to run out,
But I made this promise to someone I love.
Those words echo in my ears.
"May death not do us apart"
Oh my dear, death didn't separate us. You did.

And again I cry in the end,
Just like how my story began.
This whole journey called life,
I learn one thing.
How to cry.
And here I am, saying this for one last time.
Goodbye.

He stood out in the cold,
Wearing a single shawl
Over his torn clothes.

Walking barefoot on the snow,
Entire body now almost,
In the state to fall apart.

He had no option
but to beg,
With No Food, No House, No Money.

He stopped near a Bakery,
The Smell of Fresh Bread,
Was something he couldn't resist.

He walked in with a Hope,
To find some burnt food,
That the Boss would Offer.

As the hope weakened,
With Weak voice, He asked,
"May i have some Food, Master?"

The Master signalled at a Small boy,
A Normal boy of 10,
You would see Enjoying a Life.

But this boy an Exception,
Shivering in Fear, Slowly,
He approached, the Man.

The boy Addressed humbly,
"Beggars aren't allowed by the Master,
Please leave sir."

For food the Man Pleaded to the Boy,
Helpless himself, the Boy,
Had to Throw the Man out.

Finishing some Task,
Few days later,
For Reward, the Boy Rushed to Shop.

On his way back he saw,
The man he shooed away,
On the white Snow, Curled up like a ball.

The Boy neared him, to check for life,
Cold as the man was,
The boy realized, to Heaven he was Gone.

With Tears flowing all over his face,
He ran as fast as he could,
With tonns of Questions Rising in his Mind.

"How much is the bread?"
To his master,
In anger the little Boy asked.

Without a doubt, the master answered,
"Only Two pennies."
The boy repeated "ONLY TWO PENNIES!!!"

Wasn't his Heart,
As same as the Heart of Others?

Wasn't his Cry for Hunger,
As same as the Baby crying for Milk?

Wasn't his Blood,
As same as us All?

Was a man not worth 2 pennies?
Why was he dead?

For Life he wondered,
About the REAL COST of the Bread.
2 pennies or life,
how much was it?

We shared everything,
Every secret, every dream.
Little did i know,
you would take my heart away
and never give it back to me.
We were just friends.
Soon enough best friends
But little did i know,
I would want you as my girlfriend.

I smile at everything you say,
I cry whenever i see you sad.
I hate the everyone to death who dislike you.
Darling i would do anything for you,
So come to me now,
Be with me.
I want you by my side now.

Cause i am suffocating to death
Your few words, your beautiful smile
Makes me go high
I feel like i am in the sky.

I gather up all my courage
To tell you how i feel,
You think i am being funny
And play along as though its not real
You hug me and kiss me
You make me go all insane..
Later you say,
i am boring
it was all just a game.

Now here i am crying,
Cutting myself another time.
The pain feels so less
As compared to the pain i felt
When you broke my heart to pieces.
Now all i can do is
look at you,
from far away
when i get too close to you
You push me like i don't mean anything.

I feel so lonely
I wish i was dead
My friends say get over her
But do they know how much i loved you..

Just look at me once
Give me one more chance
Be mine forever
Cause the world feels incomplete to me
Without you.

- Ricky Parker

What am I?

While listening to the song forgive, I did not realise it would affect me so much but guess what it did. It feels like life around me is crumbling, heart is breaking and everything is not what it seems like. I had stopped writing for days because everyone around me seemed better somehow, better in this language, better in grammar, better even in expressing whatever was in my mind. I grew up avoiding the person I was and always focused on what I want to be. I still find it hard figuring it all out. Nineteen year old teenagers who I grew up with suddenly seem so mature and complicated while I look into the mirror. I see a person struggling to breathe even though it's one of the easiest things to do. I am sorry for everything I say because deep inside of me a person keeps criticizing all my actions and I keep hitting backspace to all the words I thought i should never write, I am angry, I feel hurt but there it's directed to no one, not even myself. I want to keep asking questions and get no answer, because the answers make me feel more complete than I already feel I am. The red and blue bars under the words I write show how incorrect I am. I genuinely wish in life my actions also had these lights guiding me, but all I have is insane conversation in my mind all end up on one thing, I am never the person I think everyone deserves.
Deep breathing and closing my eyes wishing it all goes black so i can forget it all, i write as though i have gone through some big tragic event and i pray to god, i really wish i had at least then i will have something to blame but right  now i only have this unsettled feeling running through my body.
I am trying, I really am. But i keep getting hurt, nobody tells you how many scars you need to stop feeling the pain. At Least Icarus had a sun to fly to, why don't I have anything to look at?
I go silent on my own and want this world to stop and yet I crave for someone to come give me attention. I don't know what I have become like, someone who regrets every step she takes.
I do not know how to stop feeling this hate or to start feeling that true happiness. Why after moments of my greatest achievement I feel, someone else deserves it. Not me.
I really wish i could stop crying and running around circles. Is it bad to ask the genie in the aladdin's lamp how i can stop this all. I don't know what am I supposed to do while I want to ask the question about life, the grand design, i want to  just close myself in a dark room and howl like a dog, i am scared of myself sometimes, how can someone feel so much pain without any trigger ever. It makes me question this pseudo self i put myself into. What am I? Why am I this way? Give me something to blame, some label to justify this. Some therapy to fix this because right now it all feels the same, Incomplete and drowning.



Ricky Parker