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Remmy Sep 2017
I wish someone would’ve caught this when I was looking at suicidal poems online,

when i was sitting in my room so stuck in my mind I couldn’t move,

when i stopped eating,

when i started losing interest in my life.

I wish someone would’ve caught this a year and a half ago on the 14th of February

when i was in so much pain that digging a pen into my thigh was a relief

Instead I made friends who were in as much pain as i was

who understood my want to die

who didn’t tell me that i needed help

who didn’t talk me into a therapist.

By the time I asked for help by myself it was august a year and a half after my depression became noticeable

2 years after I stopped eating more than two things at lunch

6 months after i became suicidal

6 months after i spent a night in my room begging to die on my birthday listening to the same song over and over crying  because i didn’t want another year of life

i wanted to die

I wish someone would’ve caught it…

But I catch it now…

Or I try to, others help me catch it, others do whats best for me.

I didn’t get help till 6 months after i was suicidal

It makes sense that 3 months and one year later I’m still struggling

especially when i only decided to live for myself 44 days ago on may 9th

I imagine its always harder to undue something than it is to do  it.

So i imagine its gonna take longer than 6 months to overcome my suicidal thoughts.

especially if it took me a year and 2 months to decide to live after a year and two months of wanting to die

fight my darling and remember,

I love you
Remmy Sep 2017
OCD
24 24 24 24 24
Up down up down up down
Dear lord thank you for this day thank you for all you've done please save me and help me have faith in you
Up down up down up down
27 27 27 27 27 27
Up down up down up down
Please keep me safe lord and help me to be saved and have faith in you and please forgive me for my sins
Itch itch itch
Up down up down up down
Itch itch itch
Up down up down up down
Please forgive me for my sins lord I love you please help me to have faith in you and thank you for this day
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
Up
Down
Up down
Up down
Up down up down up down
Just some of my compulsive thoughts luckily this is minimal
Remmy Aug 2017
I want to **** myself
How do I tell my loved ones that I'm suicidal again
Nothin bads happened
I just feel hopeless again
They stay positive when I tell them there's no point to life
Which ****** me off
Cause I can't see it
This mythical rainbow that y'all speak about
Just ****** me off cause all I see is black and white
Life or death
Happiness or sadness
Hate or love
I hate you for being able to see the rainbow
Because I can't
All I see is black and white in a sea of red
Nothing seems to help and I don't know how to tell you that
Because every time I do you try to make me feel better
But that's not what I need
I need you to come join me in my depression hole for a while so I'm a little less alone
Don't point out the rainbow
Just comment on the black and white and don't comment on the fact that I live in a sea of red
  Aug 2017 Remmy
Eric W
You'll have to forgive me;
I've begun to move slower
in my older age.
No longer am I filled with fire
and the willingness to set aflame
all that is around me.
Now I am of rumbling, slow-burning
coals,
the type of which men cast
swords passed down through the ages.
Love to me is no longer a
keen sting --
nor do I want it to be --
but instead it is a soft dedication
expressed through an intermittent presence,
not through flowery acts or syllables.
I do not move so fast now.

From twenty to twenty-four,
only four short and long years,
but much have they taught,
and much have I listened
and much have I not.
But I am more careful now
in the affairs of life and love.
Not so quick to destroy,
but much quicker to understand.
Most times,
but I'm still learning
slowly
that when you know anyone enough
you will reveal your humanity
and they, too, will reveal theirs.
And I would rather have mine understood
than judged
as would we all
so I take my time,
I do my best to understand
and not to judge.

Sometimes things take awhile,
so I move slowly these days.
Forgive me.
Remmy Aug 2017
maybe i need to accept my flaws
what flaws?
no darling no more denial
you jump without leaping
leap without jumping
you dont think about the situation in its entirety
you didnt think about the situation surrounding her
you just saw her and your feelings for her
you didnt think you just leaped
youu leaped without jumping
and jumped without leaping
you need to do both
you need to jump and leap
you need to remember that situations come in wholes
not halves or quarters or eighths
they come in wholes
jump and leap my darling
jump and leap
Remmy Aug 2017
I was hungry
But I don't want to eat
I want to starve
Remmy Aug 2017
Blood dripping down my long black nails
There goes my month of being clean...
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