To be honest
I'm happy
I'm content with my life
I wouldn't change a thing
From the past to the present
All the people I loved
I'll never regret
And all the things that I've done
Even the things that leave holes in my chest
To all the mistakes I've made
And to all the people I've hurt
Each thing made me who I am
All the love and the pain
I wish for nothing more
Except for everything to stay in its place
But even when things stay
They still ever so slightly change
Changing in colour, in feeling and shape
To wish for the inevitable
That is part of my fate
There is no stopping time
I know this one well
But it still won't stop me hoping
Upon it I'll eternally dwell
To all the people in my life
And all those gone
I loved each moment spent with you
From the dusk to the dawn

You were
Poison coursing my veins
Rope around my neck
A Bullet to my brain
Leaving me in a wreak

You were a
Cold blade to my wrist
A sweet gentle kiss
Hard hitting fists
Bruises were hard to miss

You were
Sunrise at dawn
Fresh flowers in spring
Stars glistening in the sky
A beautiful diamond ring

You were all these things and more
Everything I desired
Your beauty was intoxicating
A deadly taste I had acquired

I miss you

I know I'm better off without you
As your love was killing me slowly
Though I reminisce of that ever so sweet venom
That drew me in so closely.

Its clouded within my mind
foggy and dimly lit
As if I'm floating on a cloud
Or sinking into the sea
As if everything around me is meaningless
Passing me by without a seconds glance
Surrounded by faces laughing with glee
Muted voices and blurry sences
I'm watching it from a silver screen
I raise my hand to reach out
To feel the warm of an affectionate touch
Gracing the faces my hand goes straight through
Like rippled water its cold and cool
Emotionless expressions and tightly pursed lips
All in dark colours, greys and blues
Its a hopeless feeling of being so lost
What can I do except sit back and watch
Doors wide open there is no lock and key
There is only this reflection sitting besides me
Holding my hand, boney and thin
He whispers to me with a raspy voice
Tell me dear what is your true sin
To which i reply
I'm unwilling to let people in
A barrier between them
Keeping them at 10 feet
Empty glass eyes gazing at the screen
I don't have the time, to sit there and weep
To which i suppose is why I stay here with you
A malicious grin stretched across his face
Dark Blue orbs filled with a sadistic appeal
To which i find comfort within them I yield
Then stay with me behind the curtains of the show
Because surely by now you realize
I'm never letting you go

I know.

#

They say
if you fold a thousand paper stars
It'll make your wish come true
But it seems no matter
How many I fold
I'm still unable to be beside you

I'll fold them gently
Full of colors so bright
Softly and patiently
Till they are perfect and right

I wish and I hope
With all of my might
Though its seemed I'm lost
Within the dark of the night

Lucky stars
Made from paper
Strips with written meanings
Delicately placed within a glass bottle
Filled with my heartfelt feelings

Folding and bending
Changing the paper at will
To form a fragile little star
Let this small insignificant thing
Give me reason to move on
Allow it to give me faith to believe
To believe in this delusional dream

Why now?
Out all these months, All this time
Why is it now that you think its okay to jump back into my life?
You vanish, I cut off everything for you
I left my heart behind in the dirt
I buried my love six feet underground
To forget you, like you forgot me
But here you are again
Acting as if nothing has changed
My phone gleaming with your messages
And I respond to you in a heartbeat
I have no self control
You're stirring up a storm
Though you don't know the effect
This intoxicating feeling you give to me
With a single word or a call
It sends my heart into flutters
I love you
No, I did love you
I need to stop this now
I can't fall back in again not after everything
Not after what I went through to get out
It hurts too much to try again
but everything about you draws me in
Your striking blue eyes that seem to mirror the sky
Long wavy hair, in a Carmel brown
Soft to the touch, gently running through my fingers
It sends a shiver down my spin to think
But its forbidden to return to that place
To that state of mind and time
We removed that memory
Along with our existence
So why is it now
Why now have you come back?


Please don't come back
because I am still
Unable to Resist

#

You know....
I've changed in these past months
I didnt think you would notice
My speech and personality has escalated
It seems I've lost my focus

I'm empty from the longing
The airy feeling left in my chest
I'm speaking to you with no feeling
Surely I would jest

Its scary to think how much I cared
Everything I sacrificed
All the things I did for your sake
To think I was satisfied

You were like a sweet chocolate
Melting on my tongue
Only to reveal bitterness
Which kind of stung

I can't say I regret it though
Giving you all my time
I would do it all over again
Even if my love isint worth a dime

You know...
I've really grown
Since you left me here alone
I've managed to take your lead
But my sins will not be atoned

Now if I could really go back
I dont think I could
As I have friends that love me now
Life right now is good

I learned from you
And what we had
I noticed now
That our relationship was bad

You know...
Thought its labelled like that
As toxic and deadly
I still loved every moment
You were the first to hold me steady

The first to make me feel such want
intoxicated by the love we had
Drunken off our hearts beating in sync
Even if that was what caused us to sink

We sunk into the depth below
Further down then any man was willing to go
Freely falling into timeless space
throwing away the cruel reality that we both refused to face

You know...
By our ending
Where our ties became undone
Our final page was turned
And the ink had run to none
I loved you

With everything I had
I counted the Stars
Praying for a wish
a wish for eternity to be like this

Though silly wishes that are made upon stars
Dont last for eternity
And they tend to leave nasty scars
Though you left me
My feelings never changed
Even if the curtains have fallen upon the stage

You know....
The play does go on

People say the first stop
should always be acceptance
That on the journey to loving yourself
you should accept what you don't like
and just continue on
but they're wrong.
For the first time ever
I've found myself beginning to look in the mirror
See myself, mind, body, soul
and say "Hey,
You aren't so bad."
But that doesn't come from acceptance.
If we accept our flaws, how are we
to change for the better?
If we accept ourselves, as we are,
how are we to ever truly feel
worthy?
You have to work to love yourself,
acceptance is ignorance.
If it's unchangeable, change
your perspective.
If it's changeable,
make the effort
Don't sit idly by
poisoned by the toxic thought of
"I wish things would change for me"
"I wish I was skinnier"
"I wish I was pretty"
"I wish I was different"
"I wish they would love me"
Work to change,
change for the better.
In the end, loving yourself is a journey
not a destination.
And it's the hardest you'll ever have to work
But you're going to do it,
You're going to eventually get on the map,
and on the journey to loving yourself.