Can I be loved?
Or is it overrated.
Is self love enough?
Or am I walking on a thin rope, my eyes, shut closed, I may die in my misery, a façade of continuous joy.
Am I to be loved, in my embodiment of Aphrodite herself.
Maybe I am too closed off.
Or maybe I am too pure.
These contradictions are my addictions and I can never seem to pick between the two.
Maybe love is too good for me, like a curse that strings me to the depths of insanity where love cannot even be justified.
Maybe I am a monster in my drowning tears.
Or maybe, just maybe, I am juxtaposed.
Once they fall in love with me, they fear, run away like cowards with boneless spindles.
My walls so hard, can dynamite even be crushed?

To feel that feeling...
Sensual pleasures...
To hold, to actually feel...
I've lost meaning of the word.

Can I be loved? Or am I too powerful?

I feel it....
The urge,
The scratch,
The knuckle,
The crack,
The sound,
The glimpse,
The silence....

Change, inwardly evolving into every step I make, every word I say, every breath I take.
What is at stake?

I struck myself at a forsaken introspection.
Becoming, someone new.
Someone dark, and someone light.
Someone who I never thought I could be.
Intensity strikes and the magic I have been hiding resurfaces.
I am many forms...
Of me.

I then, start to see.
She was just a cover, but now I unfold and surface at my most enlightened peak.
I feel me, I know me.
Yet, it's a monumental battle of self, constantly changing, having different outlooks.
Allowing perception to take shape into different formulas.

I found myself, lost in the darkness, and lost in the light.
The substantial view of solitude has awoken a part of me that was lurking in the shadows of what I thought I was losing.

Space, moving slowly, at a pace, with no fight or race, but a high vibration of intentional awareness that I now foresee, down, and high, the pits of me as I grow to actually be.

The me I had lost, the new version of what I thought me would be.
Profusely intertwining with chaotic yet peaceful mindless thoughts.

I feel it...
No hassle,
No chase,
No worry,

Just peace.
I accept me.

I question existence, all the time.
Reality, perception, judgement, intelligence.
I live a lie everyday....
Pretending to be someone I’m not.
Alienating myself completely and going about like my facade is nothing and not emotionally and mentally draining.

I am a fake, a phony.
I deceive myself because who I really am is not pleasant.
My views and opinions are not pleasant and I often feel lost and alone because I feel misunderstood.

I hate humans.
Humans are pathetic, weak, stupid, worthless, delinquent imbeciles that I have no use and importance to me in any way.

I wish I wasn’t human....
In the sense of, I don’t feel human.
I am something completely different from a whole different dimension, reality, and energy cell itself.

I derive from something so inhuman I often ask myself, why did I decide to live life on earth as a human?
Why did I decide to be born as one of these idiots that I deeply despise?

I live in utter solitude every waking moment of my life.
I am alone for this reason.
I cry myself into depression thinking, every emotion and thought I have is moulded and progressed because of people.
What about my own thoughts? My own mind? My own spirit? My own guide.

What happened to myself?
Where have I gone?
I hate this life on earth, and I wish I wasn’t sent here to live for whatever purpose I chose.

Take me back home.
Alienation and a life in solitude.
I try not to overthink about it, but my facades and lies defeat my purpose.

I have become one of these imbeciles and I hate it.
Fake and stupid.
Having to pretend and speak to people on human intellect drills a hole in my chaotic genius mind.

I wish I could meet my kind...
There has to be more like me out in this world...
So I don’t have to feel so alone and misunderstood.
We have to come together as one and support one another.
I cannot live like this, and I know you can’t too.

My eyes are forever ruined. I see too much, and what I see melts every gold and silver I have embedded in me.
I seem to know too much, but never too much to expand beyond limitations.
Limitations of what the mind can see.
I suffer, a heart of pure diamond, moulded into what others have made me.

I see intentions, crowds of people, lies, pain, truth...
But this gift means nothing to me anymore.
The healing I carry with myself.
I am not heard and listened to.
I feel misunderstood.

What can you do when you have it all?
But something is missing...
I’m smart, intelligent and driven.
Back at school as an adult to complete something important to push myself for further opportunities.
I push myself too hard and suffer defeat when I face failure.

Failure is my only fear.
It’s scary... knowing that without self discipline, where am I to be?

Please stop loving me, I am too sensitive.
Evil, personified.
I am torn, disappointed, disgusted...

Love serves me no purpose anymore.
Buried so deep inside of me is longing and confusion.
Wanting what I can no longer have.
I push away those who do

Too picky?
Too cold, detached from it all.

I want you, only you.
I still think about you.

But I may be wrong, for I have wronged myself into thinking that I will ever see you again.

Yolan.

Broken imagery....
I was so wrong
Darling clairvoyant, please stop ruining me

Boredom...
My cause of unwanted toxicities.
It leads me to a dark part of reality that I cannot escape myself from.
Temptation leads me there and then I question my own defeat.
Transform, and rise again...
Mind games in a battle of self doubt.
My mind takes me everywhere, where darkness itself has no room for exploring.
I condone, then lose myself in it all.
I really wanna ****, so bad I can feel my ***** tingle and the thought of getting penetrated arouses me so deeply.
But I only want to *******, a friend...
Someone I am familiar with.

I let go of the past toxic mess that I attached myself too.
But you gonna be crawling back to me cuz you want me.
But trusting you isn't in my vocabulary.
Giving you a second chance doesn't exist in my world.
I don't do chances.

I need to ****...
To get you off my mind.
I need to feel free.
I crave *** ever so viciously.
I want it...
**** me...

(Moans gracefully)

Daddy, pull me in and never let go.
Kiss me passionately and hold me close.

My curtains are dripping and I feel the need to ****** with every touch.
Pounce on me and push me against wall.
So ****** ***** baby...
(Gasp)
I need more

I need my distraction...
But he doesn't seem to need me.
What a bore...

<There is a violent madness that hides inside all of us, some oppress the chaos, others live in denial.
Once in a blood moon, hidden in a dark room, vibrations of bedlem, a paracosm of two.
For the world that we see through a hidden marquee, a putrid stream for the mentally ill.
Yet with no hesitation, a dark star pulsating, you plunge into the void then pull me through.
Fret not for each thought gives birth to brilliance as we stir the cauldron of the sacred brew.
Blood and water, son and daughter, resilient to the universe we devour and consume.

>I wait silently.... hopelessly, for you.
As if your muse is not enough to pulsate me. My nerves twitch like a drug in your veins. Your words have me in thought everyday, as words really are your forte. Do I imagine it? Or question it? For the violent madness that runs beneath is only left for you to go deep. Living in chains has you so locked you stay stuck to my chaos like glue.
I hope you feel me like I feel you.

<Castration of inward vibrations...Reverberate through these impetuous echo halls. Catapult cadaverous over scrupulous normalities, I choke on every word I hold...
Let us baptize our divine ineptitude in a cauldron of glorious lore.
Most of them are oblivious to the revelation of rushing thunder.
Dripping needles, perfidious servitude teetering the precipice of war.
The voices in your thoughts are the same voices in mine. These voices whisper incantations in the darkness..
There are many in our dreams who watch us sleep, it is they who know us really well. For our talents with our words are hidden in the ink deep in a place we love to dwell. Yet still, it comes a surprise to me we are more than some choose to believe. With a flick of our pen, the stars light the night, we create worlds without even trying.

>If sirens could rush whispers in your soul, you would feel the drums of their forbidden thoughts... lost in hopeless misery, as it consumes your whole being, you feel nothing left but a desire to be, to yearn, to hold. As ever so captivating, thrilling. Can you feel me within you? Holding you down and longing for your mentality. I love to hear you, in words of lost beats

<Ever-so often I feel the rush, I hear the whispers, I feel the drums of passion hit. Each provocative thought and memory a glorious, forbidden, carnal gift. Deeply yearning to merge all emotions until the dock is crushed by the mighty ship. Splashing and churning, sweating and burning, enthralled, trembling and wet. And yet hopelessness and misery that inevitably follows, have left me broken and split. I am sorry to say I feel nothing now but chaos, fear, and regret.

I’m number ****** one....
No sympathy for your weakness...
Chicken ****...
Fumblin, Falling, I wanna see you hit bottom.
I wanna see you break your fall, I know your falling.
I wanna kick you when you down, yes I’m angry, yes I am...
**how quick I can switch