Here I am again,
drowned in pools of fire,
I can smell the heat from here
inside the corners of my room,
under daylight’s gleam, midnight’s
solar flare
blinded by the star’s glare,
they say goodnight

i come undone, flying under her radar
flying under the stars gaze,
have I disappeared completely?
or have I been clinging to the poles of the earth too long?
do I freeze or do I burn
how long must I yearn for decay
for anything better than this,

I think of life when I think of death
I think of how I will always be more pure than her
and it puts a smirk on my face,
as I sit in agony of my dungeon

I have cursed myself
I did this on purpose years ago
i did it to save a girl i knew
and saved her, I did
she went on to do greater things
so as i realize this, the sun reaches higher into the sky
pulling muscles in my leg
getting headaches and finally I begin

how great it is to be pure
do they lie in bed together
is she chained to him forever
as I am chained to my loneliness
and my resilience of forgiveness

I don’t understand,
I will never understand
I can smell the heat from here
come back to me, one day
any day
I’ll always be here.

world's a hot place,
doing 90 on the road to Broadway,
what did I say?
where did she go
What do I know?

how do you feel?
do you know what's here,
and what's real?

you have questions about
questions for questions asked
to prophets and leaders,
he's blacked out in the gutter,
through the sewer
how'd one get to be so political?
one like me can't be so hypocritical,
you're skeptical like me,
anxious,
asking who do I want to be?
Where do I want to go?

I thought two years, hell,
no one year that this is what I would do
but the longer I go,
the higher I climb,
the farther and faster I fall,
(did I hear you call?)

I wake up every day late and
sweating, saying
I'm betting today will be exactly
the same as yesterday

I bet you're angry,
but today I was happy,
even if the farther I go,
without someone to touch,
makes me think I can do so much

but it's pathetic
(who's worthless now?)
2.

I went to bed wet and tired,
fired up and worthy,
watching videos til three in the
morning,
waking up at eleven to squeeze some hours of worthlessness
into my life

this is the second part,
I have words left,
you took my keys and never came back,
well I just go home and sit and pack
up all my things into corners of my room
while people yell at me in my mind
because there's no better way to pass the time than
wondering about the future

I wonder so much I've lost all my wonder,
I dream so much but I can't even remember,
I don't even cry anymore,
the sad thing there's nothing to cry about

so I guess in the future when I do finally cave in,
when the waterfalls flow,
then that'll be a real sight,
they'll turn around and say,
"Hey, did you hear that so and so made Sayer cry?"

What a pity,
where did my inspiration go?

the longer you go without someone's touch,
the more you love them so much,
you forget lunch,
you're the most depraved of the bunch

I hope you have a good life,
I still have words left,
but I wake up hitting my pillow
after remembering to release every once in a while

I have lost the ability to think and love,
that the only thing to love is myself,
I hope one day I am as unlucky as you
to scream in my head is a pleasure,
your affection wasn't a treasure
you are worthless and pitiful,
and I'm sure you can **** all night,
all right,
you can **** all night
and I can laugh at the thought,
who would have thought,
that you could **** all night,
all the way
until the moon sails over,

who's worthless now,
huh?
Who made the mistake
Who's head is in a basket
i won't be in a casket
and you can make a racket while
i swim in summer's breeze
(all by my lonesome self)
I'm the ***** now

there's not quite a feeling
like feeling
touching and bluffing your way through life
time is of the essence, but you have none of it
eight of work, eight of work, eight (if lucky) to sleep
repeat

life is a faulty alarm clock
it is against you and the rock
you've built your house on

I've sat in caves and wondered aimlessly
thinking of the rain and the wolves outside
they said to go up north,
**** your phone and **** your internet
drive until the road gives out and you come to a lake
so that you can bask in the glory of the Lord

The eyes of the doctor to the dying patient are beautiful
my life has been slow but fruitful
I don't need *** but I need money,
and hell, perhaps it's kind of funny
that I've been doing the same thing over and over
and over and over and over again

I don't have a car but I have a job,
I don't have a girlfriend or someone to love, but I have a job
and I can go a long time thanking someone
I don't believe in for my blessings,
the messages are gone when I sit upon my foundation
I listen to loons and the rain at five in the morning
that was a feeling I miss,
not the fishing line in the weeds,
but the time it takes to slowly lower myself
in a cage in the cool, misty
floating water

and perhaps the greatest things I've told myself
was that it is okay to die a ******,
and it is okay to let people down,
and it is okay to let yourself down,
and it is okay apologize
and it is okay to sit down and give up

maybe someone to come pick me up isn't what I need,
but I can't break my heart anymore
it has become shielded but fragile
and I'm screaming at trivial things,
wondering where I've gone all my life

and I hate being so scattered,
as if nothing has ever mattered
(and it is okay to sleep too much,
it is okay to sometimes think of you
my heart, my heart
my god, my god
where have you been)

the words are soft,
they travel far and long
to every song for every boy
and every girl in this old world,
make music for the music players,
let me burst into the scene like an
exciting extra in a ****** film,
let me die in a vain way,
sometimes I wish someone would just say
the words and I could go

I could go because I always need
people to tell me what to do

Where are you? I am so sorry

and sometimes I just wish I'd get an accident
because I can't bring myself to do it myself
so I'll try to fall asleep to a film,
dim the lights and bring on the night

remember the nightmares, remember the childhood,
remember the prayers, remember the songs
remember the radio, remember the stars,
remember the hospital, remember everything-
that doesn't matter anymore

and it is okay to die

If I'm the first one out the door,
will someone stand up and say they love me?
I have been here many times before

I beat my self, emotionally, sometimes physically
what have I done to myself?
I scratch my hair and sigh a little

If I'm the first one out the door,
can I look at you, and smile?
"Stay a while," I'd hope you ask
if I could only bask in your water
but instead I float inside my own tears
(holywater/bornagain)

I will be the last one out,
because I'm too afraid there are people who
truly want me in their life
and through all the pain, and all the grief,
maybe it's ok, maybe it's alright
to go out on a walk at night
search for headlights in the distance,
since stars are covered up by clouds
and I am no longer illuminated by the moon

and maybe soon I can go home
where all the dogs and humans roam
just in case I'm the last one out,
and no one will cry in their sleep
I'll step up where I don't believe,
and no one will remember me
because they told themselves that this is not real
and I want to believe them
oh
I want to believe them
but this is all too real.

I would love myself
if I didn't find myself so inadequate
I would teach myself
teach myself to be more casual

the diamond in the rough
is the youth who had to tough it up
mixed with the blood
of drinks on explorations

explorations done twice,
the diamond is the horse,
the horse that runs fast and far
the man-child passed out on the bar

time is a *****,
time is my boring ***
filled fantasies,
the diamond in the rough

give me grace,
or give em death
hold it to me,
or let me take my last breath

I would love myself,
if I was so casual
I would love myself,
if I didn't breathe dirt

I miss words
I miss words that
I  miss words that were
I miss words that were censored
I miss words that were censored by myself

You're a stone,
I'm alone
what's the difference,
the circumference,
of my pride

(in a life like this,
nothing is worth a ****)

I would love myself
if I didn't find myself so inadequate
I would teach myself
teach myself to be more like her

walls or no walls,
(take out cash)
walls or no walls
(break out, then dance)

remember childhood
(delete, and *******)
remember teenage years
(you're still 18)

walls or no walls
kick me to the side of the curb,
let me bleed out while you laugh
laugh because it's hilarious
spit on my face because
it probably gets you hot
probably because it's funny

two times on the ruined field
frustration and ******* (both of us)
**** me with silence
while I search for serenity  

walls or no walls,
deep inside is my soul
I want to try again, but I can't
and I can't make this any better

walls or no walls,
walls or no walls
walls or no walls
walls or no walls

when you skim down to the good part,
there is no good part,
there is no time where it is good
when everything isn't some
cry for attention or
****** pseudo-intellectual *******
you like to push on people
or at least I imagine you pushing on people

and I sit and try to remember that
this is not a venting machine
that poetry should be imagery
and metaphors and beauty or even anger
with imagery of the sun (walls or no walls)
and stars and how stars are
like the souls of people when they die
and we're all a ******* star
haha-haha-haha-haha
but that's not true (nothing is true)

I bet you didn't even notice
that I want to become what I never
wanted to become and I bet you don't
care when you hear on the news
that I was not successful and I
was not good and I had no more
imagery left no more imagery left from a few
years ago where I thought I liked
to write this stuff and I stuff my mouth
full to make myself shut up because holy Jesus
I don't want to be an *******,
I don't want to be a horrible person
But I've already messed it up

In a month, on the same day,  it will be our 19th birthdays
I remember I thought that was so cool,
and I wished on 11/11/2011 that we would be together forever
haha-haha-haha-haha
we will both be 19,
but I will not wish you happy birthday because
I was afraid you wouldn't either,
and you probably wouldn't care,
just like how I don't care about this anymore

hey, it's great that no one knows what they want to do, except you
except you
except your happy
hypothetical
*******
marriage.               (good)bye

hit me in the face with your shovel
your words burn
(I'd rather have the oven explode)
I'll choke myself on a whole pack of gum
while I think of her hands,
dripping like rain,
the rain that I have forgotten
the rain that has been abandoned
by God himself

every drip was one that believed it was important
or at least someone did
but it hit the ground like my tears late
at night so I browse whatever
I can to find people more upset than me

whether it's some sort of catharsis
some sort of coma,
I sit down and contemplate,
breathe in, and breathe in, and breathe in
don't sit back,
acknowledge me the way I wanted to be ignored

there's no shame in giving up,
everyone does one time or another
are you worried?
are you crying yet?
I keep telling myself I did nothing wrong
move away
I have a pair,
I promise
I won't give up this time
I've tried as hard as I could
(you have nothing to complain about)

one day you'll throw me out, like how
they always throw me out
and I will fall from the sky
even if you want to take me back in

"I want to travel,"
She said , perhaps a little tipsy, under the weather
and cold

Yes, I'd love to travel too. Climb the mountains,
swim the seas, just like you'd do

"Promise me you'll always have my back.
I have yours,"
she said, sitting on the bench
eating lunch while I saw and stared
at the grey sky

I'll always have your back

"The cold weather always makes me depressed,"
she said, caring for her mother, thinking about
her brother, lying on her bed

The Winter isolates all of us
(but perhaps the four seasons traps me
all the time.

"I can't believe it's almost over,"
she said, in dress, sitting atop
the bar, on top of the world
couldn't tell if she was happy,
or if she was sad,
but it was spring, and spring was
Good

Don't worry

There is no cause for alarm,
there is no cause for alarm
there is no cause
no cause

"I think I love him,"
she said, head on his shoulder
my face in my pillow
glass shatters,

I always had your back

There is no cause for alarm
no cause for thoughtless thoughts
I can't stand here longer
than I had before

"How are you?"
She never said
lying on her bed

"I want a car crash,"
I thought, for the millionth time

"I hope you're happy.
I'm not"

scorched snake on scorched earth,
why do my thoughts decide my worth?
time flies and time dies
when she cries tress fall
in August after
remembrances of summer days
that burned away on cold spells

bleeding roses on a thorny bush
why must she forget to push?
there's no other scream to cry
or alibi for sad men in the gutter

(she was what I wanted not,
she was what I never got)

and with some soup on a Friday night,
that I forgot, cold, waiting- -
just like me
so come and see, my empty heart
on display as the kids play in the cold playground
with snow all around them,
laughing, without thought, without a made up mind
just innocence, and I try to crack a smile
for I always hate what I never had, and never will have,
and I maybe I'll give up this time

('away,' she mocks me, 'away'
and I always go, for you, always)

the idea is so foreign to me
so unaware, so pure
so *****, so clean
under the starlight which she praised
on sunny days of nostalgia and honey
she came to me the next day to say hello
but she never said good-bye

and partially it was my fault
but partially it was her's
everyone had their beautiful intimate moments
everyone I knew
they all complained and cried
and some of them said they would even die
but who am I to judge
the closest thing I ever had was far away
and now she's even farther.

when I think about going back in time
to change so many little things
I think of the sad times
the crippling times
since they've been so abundant

and maybe the idea is so foreign to me
that it's a dream I cannot remember
that it's in a place unrecorded
not written down
a town in the middle of nowhere
somewhere I need to disappear completely
somewhere I finally need to see

a few years ago I'd breathe in the sea
and the sea would breathe in me
when I believe the time has come
I will think of her and colors
caused by oil on the pavement
explode in my head

and I dream forever, and ever

Bring your iron,
and circle 'round my neck
two ions spiral out from ***
revival in the undertow
come out and play you *******
fraud

and pause the unseen game
tell me I'm not lame and that
I will walk one day
far away from all the pain
to shoot a bullet in the clouds to
stop the rain
when crazy comes it comes in spurts
just like snapping my neck when it hurts
your body is on the pedestal
can never change or never learn
you had the old ones in your hand
to take a stand to end what's man
and tell them all or just tell one
to **** what burns in the descending sun
and all that's left is
miles of life that's left
on cracked sidewalks
in forgotten places


and if I hold your hand you'd **** me
want me dead for calling you beautiful
forget the idea of loving me
come see through all the cafes and the dinner tables
that you'd wait for mindless hours
I hope he really likes you a lot
and gives you all that he's got
since I have nothing left to give
but time that's not even precious
anymore than it was before
you left and never talked to me since
but to be fair I didn't talk to you either
because maybe I was just to broken hearted
that you of all people could just leave me here
and I was like a young child being left by his mother
at the big store where I couldn't find anything
or anyone so I sat and cried in the middle so someone
could come find me and ask if it was going to be okay
and I'd say all I ant is my mommy
well all I wanted and all I really needed was you
but I highly doubt that it's all going to go through
some small crack, some small percent, dance
around him all the time

dance around his body
when the song stops playing,
kiss him softly
just make sure to never send me
any picture or any memory
because really I don't want to care

but really I just care too much
to let this go into the endless ocean
a million miles away from my home

so
    so
       so
           so
                so

I'll always float here,
inside this garden of chemicals
for many years
to destroy myself would be blasphemy,
to remember myself would be heresy
so I settle in the middle (of nowhere)
with no words, no whispers,
the loud bang from the bell is
drowning out the non-polluted oxygen
in my lungs, in my heart
through the zone, out the zone
no way to say goodbye
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
breathe in

The Piano creates the rain
sadly reminding girls of boys of the strain
that is the world outside
and the cries from wolves that are muffled by the
trucks colliding with each other
at midnight

and the world is what wants to say goodbye
for I know that it is I that wishes to start all over
every day only dreaming that the world
could be screaming an scheming to send me back
to know the do's and the do not's of the standards
of the universe
and the galaxy ***** the world in the spits it back out
every time I wake up

the bed spins and I chew packs of gum within an hour
for all the power held to me is the vulnerability of my
wealth and steam
and the girls inbetween

through the insults and the rain
I have left my mark across the scale
and in vain I have fallen to the bottom
this time still chewing lots and lots of gum
to keep me occupied from the thoughts
that are slowly making my mind more gray
and it was fine for a little while
and perhaps I'm only overreacting,
that I'm underrated and someone's
angel that exploded into a star
but slowly eternity isn't looking so peaceful,
only sleep.

I said goodbye once
twice, three times
until the thought of chimes
fell down onto the porch
and in this dream I could see your yard and fields
and I only heard one car in one hour

i can take what I like to like
and come to terms with it and love it
break it up and turn it to ****
because since the lights are falling down
from the sidewalk and in the town
we walked and it was raining
and I have never ever used an umbrella
and I didn't then either since
I can't break that pattern
no not even for you

what I'd do to take the outside and break it in half
like it was a ******* pencil
smothered with a pen
and choked and swallowed
hung to dry
I could fly in that dream but only for a second or two
since I never told you my obsession with flying
or lucid dreaming

all I wanted to do is want to do it again
to try again because maybe it was
something I said or maybe it was
something I didn't say
and if I knew that it just
wouldn't matter I
would flatter
myself and walk the other way

the other way toward the
beginning and through the end
no matter what I tried to do
sports acting speech reading out loud
pounding words to the page
it all turned into ****
call it self-loathing
or what you will
I've tried harder in the past few months years weeks and hours
bowing down the the powers that be just didn't seem right to me
no not anymore
the differences are strong and the fight has been long
but I need to let go or act
then in a few years time forget these words ever existed
or me
my existence has eradicated tropes and cliches
and I just wanted to say
I love(ed) you so very very very much

words are violent
the times are too
since I'm done now how am I supposed to know what to do

exactly the same spots to sit in
drowning in the dreams of sin
embrace what will never come

I never knew or did anything to tell you how much you mattered
I guess you didn't mean that much to me then
it's good to move on and on
cut downs poles and burn down closets
(I'm hiding under your bed)
can't get me
three hours can be too short
and three minutes can be too long

I can be in the burning bed
like my burning head
every aspect of the idea (of being done)
disgusts the truth

conventional as it is to ask where you are
and what have you done to the one
I used to know and will I ever see you again
I think it's something I feel and will feel for a long time
(not understanding the basic complexities of human interaction)

and it's too hard
and I probably can't do it
as I journey into the world
out the door
I probably can't do it

if I could go back in time to win you over
I probably couldn't do it
so I wouldn't and I'd still be here anyway
the burning bed hurts like hell and
it's never going to stop since
I'll never die

and if I asked for just two minutes
would you be polite and give me three
(I don't ever want you inside of-)
or would it better to just lie down
and get up and look at you
and hang myself in your closet?

(there's a limited time to look into my eyes and tell me how you're doing or what you feel because I'm not going to do it anymore this is your responsibility not mine I feel it all the time and time is done)

(it's unmissable)
what do you want
I am the master of my own fate
but deep down inside my self wants everything to fail
so i keep on rowing the boats and breathing while I sleep
to reach the destination everyone wants to get to but some wait longer
like me and patient as i am i can no longer survive so instead
i live and live on because I keep rolling on to get better
and better instead things keep dwindling down
until i reach the bottom and there I softly
hit the ground because They want me
to keep going and rolling on (to get
better and better) so I listen to all
of them like I have before and
the music cracks louder
and there's a pause
when you look
at me so I
smile

at the end I see the door
there is no heaven and there is no hell
they're just going to send me right back
to the ******* beginning again
(it's unmissable)

the kind of questions I get are about
death and shoving addiction in my face
I realize that you want peace like I do
(we feel the need to explain to you this predicament)
I laugh because I have to-
(we've got breaking news, Sir Blank Blank Blank has been killed)
what a shame
that one can leave so soon
'
this is the place where the living no longer live
the dead live more than they do
so I wait to find a way out but the doors are locked and
the sirens are going off
and the TV turned on by itself to bring me this important message:
(Sir Blank Blank Blank has been killed)
and I wrote a note for you and your charisma
it's on the table when you come into the house

isn't it special
and isn't nice
they're dropping bombs from the planes tonight

so let your red hair drop a little farther
and let my eye be fixated on the idea
that when you leave (for good)
that one day you'll come back
at my door and fall to the ground
begging and pleading for
me to realize that you loved me
more than I loved you
but it'll be too late because
by then I'll be gone
and I'll refuse to turn back on

(I remember the whips)
and the way out
filled with doubt and
violins in the distance

no way out there's no way
I'd get out alive
cars crashing and dishes breaking
are in the future
(but if that's what He wants let it be)
let it be
life is easy
life is hard
life is wrong
life is long
yet so short
everyday seems to never end until I realize I'm
back in bed with thoughts of
(her?)
you in my head
and there's no rain
or there is rain
but no peace

I have observed the multitude
******* each other (over)
"be grateful for what you have"
especially when you have nothing
take what you have and get what you want
until you realize what you want
isn't anything you want

it could have been easy but it
didn't have to be since
I'm more patient than anyone else has been
especially since the outcome is Nothing
so shove it to the side and let it
rust and rot

I can take what I need and feed
on the rest of them
the prey will pray the day away
just like I do

I need to forget about waves
and the yelling and the screaming
and the fighting and the end it all
thoughts that slowly penetrate the
walls of my room
so take me home with you one more and the only time
(the countdown has already started)
let me explore the depths
or throw me down in the streets
either could be the same
through the delusions and every time
I talk to myself
I remember why I was here in the first place

and every day I'm alive
I'm fighting to survive
walls and the ceilings
are falling down and the music gets louder
and louder and the colors are more vibrant
and I look over and everyone's moving
and I wonder why I got so confused in the first place and what I'm doing there
and then I try and try not to cry
(I need help, I'm sick)
just frozen in time
waiting and waiting and waiting

they all surround me and
I wish I could be someone else
since I walk faster or leave
and they leave
she leaves
you leave
until they're all gone
doing something else
it's a catastrophe
that the invisible bombs are falling down
in my mind

don't leave me hanging anymore
everything in life is so abrupt
I can't check out much longer
since I'm stuck here forever
as the music keeps playing and I'm just waiting
and waiting and waiting
for something more because life is easy and life
is hard and life is wrong and life is long
but it feels so short
for no reason

and when I calm down
I just wonder why I'm doing this in the first place
cross out everyone because it's
all my fault
I'm the worst person in the world
I wouldn't want to be around me either
can't escape the abruptness of the saving and the dating
because I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting
and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and-

coming out from the water
and into the light
breathing heavy
then smoothly
I come out of the fight

time ***** in my waterfall
and time tips over the filth (and lies)
and storms come over to break the rules
and expectations and strike its lightning with force
and disgusting tests and trials
set fire to the trails to send out a message
SAVE OUR SOULS

perhaps I would
no longer would I love the invisible taste of
broken walls
and I come up from the water one more time
breathing heavily,
then smoothly as I come to shore
(who will rescue me?)
I think I've find the answer but it's still buried deep
in the sand

"don't complain"
I understand, I won't, I won't
I won't I won't I won't

II

no one's going to respond
I think I can feel the wind pushing me back
to make me spiral back into the void

**** the void
got everything I need right here
packed bags and held up
burnt chapters from years ago

how did they detect this?
got out of here alive
which might be an understatement
blasted out

(walking on the sand digging killing
eating dying trying flying in my mind)
you gotta know
the wind's blowing me back
into the void
invincible so I just have
to avoid it
until I've come full circle
(the whole island's a circle)
but who cares
the birds are coming down
from the town
that isn't there
(grow up)
I already have
still got a lot to do
lots of doors to open
but come on
the wind is blowing me back into the void
but it doesn't matter much


III
life's an abrupt ending
starvation on the beach with no way home
the wind can take me back home
since I just needed to wake up
all I ever needed to do
wake up
I'll I ever needed to do
wake up
hold on
wake up
got something stuck right here
it could be gone
I think it's looking up from here
blazing fires fuel my eyes
I'm just back in the water
doesn't matter
never has
I have this
wake up
I'veneverwantedwhatineverwantedionlywantedwhatiwanted
life's abrupt
"grow up"
I already have

bye

conception
grace
time
waiting
beds
money
more money
spent
gone
fighting
loving
hugging
kissing
slapping
screaming
sleeping
waiting
more waiting
more fighting
broken
birth
baby
sleeping
tired
laughing
crying
all three
fighting
sleep
older
growing
crawling
talking
and walking
sleeping (all the time)
sickness
and health
more or less wealth
tired
sleep
school
friends
come back home
sleep
do it all over again
grow
again
watch
parents
fight
bite
kiss
eat
regain consciousness
remembrance
middle school
growing
girls and boys
boys and girls
attraction
satisfaction
hormones
deadly
parents fighting
parents loving
sleeping all the time
killed inside
confused
laughing
immature
maturing
High School
relationships
joking
camps and fights
realization
forget conception
grow older
become an adult through
broken
friendships
and glass
in the mind
sleeping all the time
dreams
remembrance of
reality and fiction
crescendo
music
writing
movies
books
TV
parents fighting
no longer loving
become an adult
fall out of love
and into confusion
into an ever deeper love
obsess
question
(do they?)
realize
have a good time
or not
graduate
go to college (or not)
***
***
***
***
***
or not
graduate (or not)
sleeping (all the time)
home
marriage
job
kids
work
accomplish
don't accomplish sit
sleep
fight
eat
sleep
sleeping (all the time)
no such thing
as kids or
partners
alone
realize
everyone's gone
dreams
gone
life asleep
like you
work
success or no success
you must try (just a little)
and then die

sun's looking down at my face
looking up at the ways
I come undone

and everybody can talk
everybody can sing
I got one less ring

but it's going to be alright
god things are looking up
so beautiful got
reassurance  stuffed within my pocket
(I just have to take it out)

and I know
she goes
I got your everything
and I see
you please
I know that I can be this
why
would I ever want to be someone
who couldn't do anything at all
(just put your mind to it, it's got everything to do with you
can take off a bite and chew, then you're golden)

your a star
I know it's true
and perhaps I just don't know
what to do if I just want to get closer to you
and I never wanted to freeze up by a friend, but I have to start back at the end. I hold on
empty in the rain
this will happen again and again and again

unless I do something about it
be the instigator I never
thought that I could be
and then maybe you can see
I just am empty in a void
I got out and here I am
still reaching almost
being ****** back in
but no

it's going to be alright
have to get through without a fight
and down goes the night
the sun's looking down on my face
I am no longer a disgrace
to
the end
I just need to know
that
I can
it shouldn't be this hard
to be in your presence
(I've gotten out of my chains that I've had before but they want to take me back)
again
hold on to
the beauty that's within you
and out I just don't-

it's going to be alright
it's going to be
alright
since I've got reassurance stuffed inside my pocket
I just have to take it out.

meanings have no meaning
souls that never really crossed paths
crushed beneath large trucks
what is this world we live in
life is a wall made up of consequences
and I can't even do it

and the stomach twists and turns
the worst case scenario rakes and rips me apart
until I ***** blood and waterfalls
can't clean it up

what is the meaning
what is a life
no one's talking about it
that life's a wall made up of consequences for my
and your actions
remains of the day try to smile
at the sun because the sun is up and up is good
and I can't settle myself in for a goodnight's sleep anymore
because I'm not young anymore and it's time
to grow up and be a man and be a man and grow up
and never again will I (have I never ) wanted to wander into
death's black shadow over the
reaper reaping ***** souls

(I love you all)
the grand piano's
broken because someone
went in there (restrain myself)
comments are the life and what is life
anyway
and the words and the songs sweep me over and send me flying over the ocean
because that's where I can take it (I'll never do it again I promise)
and truth is I'm afraid of being a little too much
but in the end I'll just be too little
(eye contact)
and then this happens and my god
I wanted it a little while ago and I
could feel the sun inside of my chest
burning and there was hope
for the first time
but then it hit me
crashed into me
when everyone's lying down to **** in and wait for the end
to come and swoop them up
so we never remember their thoughts and memories
that it doesn't even matter
if I can't do anything to anyone
(too much, too little)
somewhere in the middle is where I want to be
(can't you all see?)
I've arrived at the point of no return (again)
only to be here again
stop worrying
life is life
body
falling apart
everyone's falling apart
and as I think of souls that never passed that will
say they did it, they really did it
they really cared (like I do(n't))
my god, we try to look up

*and You were coming down, I think
You were coming down to save us all
You were coming down the save us all
You were coming down to save us all
but you couldn't withstand the Fall

goodbye morning (12)
cups on the right,
knock one over again
alive
pick it up (no one noticed)
fill it with coffee which I don't drink
watch some ****** movie on TV
and pretend to punch through the screen

think of it,
happiness
haven't been this happy in awhile
like it or not
smile on your face
on little day
happy, happy, happy
the ****** movie still plays
got nothing else to do
fling the coffee at the screen
the TV dies
think of you and go up to it
I go through it like in Videodrome
or something like that

Thanks, Cronenberg
I'm expendable

the most beautiful form that connects people together
every word important
can't stumble upon the stumble upon the stumble
fall down the hill
rolling, falling
waking on top of water, floating
in the midst of the flowing
waterfall

imagine a god and the devil standing high
god watches over the world like he's supposed to
everyone is calm, until
one thing goes wrong  
and then the radio goes out
and someone falls out their window
and the person who goes after does it
on purpose and then everyone starts jumping off their balconies, skyscrapers until the blood on the sidewalk is too much
for anyone to manage

and the guilt is strong
but the love is stronger
yes, yes I like you
I can hear it
they can hear it
maybe they're telling me
maybe I've waited this long for something so
simple yet so complex
and you can cry and I cry
yes, yes
I understand finally
that it's a move
and the smile is real
and the face is bright as the sun and the sun doesn't
burn anymore it just glows
glorious revelation
hallelujah
the chorus goes on
we can both smile
the other lyrics don't matter
nothing that happened ever mattered even if it was
the only thing that lead me to this point
and the sun comes up
and the sun comes up
but the people are still jumping
and there's still that tidal wave of blood
rip out my hair
I know it
I knew it
I'll know it
perfection is the invisible key
but I'm content when the head falls down

It's 12:12 a.m
don't know where I am and the light isn't coming up soon
but it is morning, not night,
I guess
I have a feeling I won't be getting much sleep
but that's okay
that's alright
I'll work it out with made up dreams of you
what I hope you are and will become
(changing everyday. everything's changing everyday. can't do it. won't do it. they all look at me. good morning. good night. good morning. good night. goodmorninggoodnightgoodmorning)

she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not forever, and ever
amen

made of stone
on the ground,
the rocks on my back
stabbing in there,
I know you're there
I know this is what I get
I've gotten it now, mrs. ms. miss
yes, I have
smile your invisible smile. Right?
right
yes, right
sigh
there's nothing to ask me
don't ask anything
shh
not one more word
you voice sounds like someone else I know
but it's time to move on
carry everything from the bonds
to the chains
to the words
and to the answers
and you can look at me and tell me finally that you've
waited all this time that you, yes you
finally want me
and I'll lay back down on the sharp rocks and say
I have you now
I have you now
I have you now

assume the position

hold on to your right hand
as I to
the left

get back in the corner
brace yourself for the
fall

and
take it down              a little bit
(in solitude)
mention myself mentioning myself
held
on
to
the
dream

and fall right down
(hold me back up)
I knew what I had to do
and if I knew, what it was like
to be you I'd have to

assume
the
position
let it be heard
out to the world
my ideas, and my strengths
and the wills, not the woulds
could have would have if I tried
forgot for a second how to cry
except for the things that don't even pertain to me at all
and my excuses, if I may, could I throw my life away
and forget
the biggest one of all
I look to the sky and wonder why and wonder why and wonder why
but lie to myself and tell myself that everything's fine
(it's all in your mind) and why, oh why
couldn't you do more
am I lying on the floor for peace, or for
attention
try new things, again
all in
my mind
I'll look at
you
from far away
down the hall
wanting to call your name out, and hold
on a little bit
I know you feel the same way, I know it's like that
and honestly, I think you could be, more scared than me
about *this

and that's what she probably thinks
I know her better than myself
that's the idea
that's where we find our meaning
in each other's thoughts
we cannot hear, we only make up
choices are wrong and I've tried hard
to stop
and cry
I do it all the
time
and I think you know
if you knew
you'd understand
feelings  in real life are alien to you
but they're there
in fantasies of
assuming the position
I know it's true
when I look at you
and you look back
and I look over every face
every mistake cannot be reversed

but still, maybe
if I wanted to
I could just confess
in real life
that I have never and ever and never will again
feel the same way
about this
and you're my goddess
forever, and ever
you've shaped my
everything
more than you'll ever know
and words are ****
sometimes
emotions are worse
I am the Fall
get away from me
get away from me
get away from me
all of you, yes, all of you
get away from me
won't you see
that I'm right
here under
the polluted stars

and then I think

as everything grows
quieter
and quieter

that every face hides the
same thing

and then I know
the words need
to stop
they need to stop and everyone's looking
at the aura and the pain and
no one can feel it again and

I held tightly
the idea
that everyone reading is actually myself

I could die a hundred times over just to restart
but no matter
just stare at me
all of you
and I'll only look at you

it's not dark, it's light
let me in through the gates to drown in the sea of
mindless people
you're all so pitiful
you're all so sad, and for some reason
it's the only thing that makes me

mad

I
'both are the answers'
I think that's what he said, what he says is dead, he used to say
he told me that I must find my wall,
but what could that mean, and would it matter at all,
really, if I didn't know who or what my wall was
but staring out into the distance, not aware of time or space
I saw laughter and the smile, and then the defense
my god, my god, was she the wall
are you the wall,
my god, my god

I can be the halo to my halo,
she only told me that so I'd be grateful, but
grateful for what, was the question
'you must have careful planning'
she told me again
to plan for the nothingness that grows in my backyard
or my illusions at night,
you encompass my bed and my arms are around dozens
of people that are just the same as you

my god, my god,
why should we be all the same
to lose ourselves in the calls and the texts and all the other
messages we get late at night
or the messages we wished we'd get during the day

so ***** your curiosity to **** in the truth
or the subjective, whatever's important, whatever rings the right way, sounds the
right way,
'You will make bells and I will paint icons'
Funny thing is I can't do either, but your Christ-like beauty
held me near, your smile, you're the wall, at least that's what I like
to imagine as I stare out the window in utter boredom

and the art can't even add up to your gleaming sun

II
I scratch my arm with the semi-broken pen
as the lady in white yells about the news
I can feel her fingers create the atmosphere,
and the dream is ******* me in as I try
once again to be buried in the replacements of many,
and I know, and I think I know
that in just a few seconds I'll see you staring ahead, determined, or lazy
I don't know which, perhaps both, just like me
and then soon I'll get a glimpse of that face and even though
I want to say something I can't say anything and I give up by screaming
inside, I think, at least until I see someone else
and that makes me go deeper, deeper, and deeper
and falling down being the swirling light to the
days of the future and the future of the days is limited
only this time without so much reassurance

III
I don't know how long it took me to understand
that your eyes were not the stars, and you were not my wall
no matter how hard it took for me to **** it up
and be a man, to be a man, my god, my god,
to be a man is to be a god, someone I can't be
so can't you see that
I don't want you to lose yourself
in my masculinity
or my excuse for it
and then I could see my soul  being lifted up by
your eyes

IV**
this is my excuse,
I love it as much as you do
we can look at it as two different things, but it's
one singular thing
one motionless thing
one little thing that has nothing to do
with my separation, my schism from reality
'Where would I be without you?' is what I asked,
not you
implied, maybe, but how am I supposed to know
they say don't look into the future, be the same, live in the moment
the moment is always the same, full of trash and appeasement

and then, finally, I can go back in a flash, and then back to the moment
and the moment I'm always in is the moment that will go on forever
as I trek my odyssey down the hallway to see you, the wall, be my defense
my god, my god
then I see you and your friends cooling yourselves off, talking about
who-knows what and then I groan and
put my head on the table, am I embarrassed, or envious, or jealous, or all three
or everything, I'm everything but a man, the man that's defined as a real man
the man you'd like to lose yourself in, no, no I'm not that man or a "man"
I'm only a human, if I'm anything, but to be a man,
my god, my god
I think I could understand, then, I think I could understand you
if I could be a man, if I could be a man, then I would understand,
my god, my god, my god
is a man
and I am not

I am the rain, filled up inside the ditch
the flood's rockets shooting to the sky
the black mystery in the electric stars, shocking
vaporizing my waves and the boats float on, plunged, and sinking
and the tidal waves keeps coming and beating whatever hand I throw up
to hold myself onto the plank and I drift away and fade away
in your eyes as they send the whole ocean to me and I'm blown away to
space in a space untraveled, and float without gravity or anything to hold me

and then split in two, one colliding toward earth and back to the ocean to
feel you drowning me with your eyes that echo the waves
and the moonlight fills my soul as the tree of life burns
and back up, far away
I still am floating and going farther, and farther away, entering in the
claustrophobia and the beautiful queen looks at me but can't choose which one,
the floating man who will one day vanish, or the man who keeps drowning with obsession
so, the right decision would be to say neither  
but it doesn't solve anything, really
I kept pulling you inside,
so close until I died under your weight
and the rockets keep shooting up from the depths of the ocean
and I keep looking down at the definition of the shore
and the box keeps opening with new tricks and new
obsessions and the screams echo the screams in your eyes which flood
everything inside of me, and the screams echo the screams
and the screams echo the screams
and I'm poured out, your eyes, your body
it's changed
it's new
somehow
I collapse under your weight and your beauty, if you only knew
the waves and space are one (and could we be, I think, could we be)
yet the screams echo the screams
the screams echo the screams
the screams cannot be heard in space, or underwater
*but that doesn't mean they aren't there

my ocean is what drowns the soul
she said to me, on a warm winter day:
"you just need to hold on"

and hold on to what, I wondered
falling into that invisible pit I heard
you say to be happy for what I deserve

through the window feeling the crisp air of beauty
the rotting people lying on the streets, my window,
my window, blocked and inescapable
the danger is real, yet I accept this fate
and my faith in your beauty upon my hand
and your invisible body against mine at three in the morning
your hand over my shoulder, my sigh
my body shivering and letting out a scream
I feel as if I've jumped out of my body

the ocean takes my soul and turns it to water
from the water I came and from the water I go,
worst fears seem more realistic than the best dreams
of a childhood lost and the future unexplainable
'you have to wait' but I cannot, I cannot
'But you have to'

nothing is as good as the feeling of lost waves and lost measurements
my walk through the darkness is a clean one,
my god, my god, can I be the light
can this be the light
and the two men smoking said to each other:
'This is what I wanted, what I wanted was good, and what was good was what I wanted'
what I wanted was a surreal day dream
the waves upon my back, and my face caressing the
soft shore and the girls lying down while the boys play on the sand
I have never fallen in love with a beach, or a person, but an idea
and that's worse than anything in the world
straightforwardness asks for recompense and I am part of the ocean
when I look up to see your face, and feel your lips, your cold lips
that have never felt what it feels to be so random
'again, and again, I want to try again'

I stare at you as if you're leaving on a train, far, far away, and I can do nothing about it because I can see forever and forever, and you still wave, and this moment is eternal
and that's what makes me fear for eternal life, an eternity of you just staring at me
wanting, wishing, hopefully just like me
just like me I see the stars above so late, so early
whatever is whatever, the subtly, the dreams
they are nothing since I have chosen this according to the masses
they do not understand, and they will not understand, and they will never understand
the trumpets, the waves, the ocean, the moon and the earth all explode with my opus
my dream my wants and my desire to be good at something for once,
or perhaps to have something ****** upon me
because everything is not random as I lean over the invisible balcony staring down at the road
and I picture a picture of you and you were me and I was me and then finally I was you
and I wished I could change, oh Jesus, I wished I could change, to switch
I shake in the moment, my knees collapse in my idea of eternity, to be on the moon,
to be falling through the skies not as two beings but as one
and that is a dream and that is tonight
but tonight is almost over because midnight has reached a few hours ago and
three is over by a long shot
and they clap their hands, they clap their hands
as I leave the mystery behind me as they say, in unison,
'You have chosen this'
Yes, yes, I have chosen this
this inevitability, this randomness, this recurring everything that is
everywhere inside my mind and upon the paper and whatever I do is just the same, so please, oh god, please, oh god, please stop trying to drown me in the grace that I have tried to accept, because I am you and you are me and we fall again because this is the Fall and I think I understand but I don't and I never will

and the sun rises up without you beside me,
to add to the symbolic nature of your long hair that reminds me of fire
and I try, and I try, and I try, and I try
to just be me and I tried to be me once again as I stared at the timeline
and then back at my idea of you and that's what is destroying everything inside and out
as I hold on to that idea, because people may leave, and people may stop loving, and people may die, but the idea never dies
so I sit in my chair or lay in my bed or lean over that invisible balcony and whisper the same words over and over again as I stare at you going to Nowhere on the train that never ends because I'm already stuck in eternity, those words, oh god, those words that can make the strongest of men and the most beautiful of women vanish:
'I love you'
(yes I did I do I did I do I did I do)
Do not drown me, because from water I came, and water I will return

*exeunt

yes to the left hand crush --

i am the one who knows the Sun
distinguishing the left from the right
say no to society
backed up propriety
my Country is my nothing
my heart is in the grey abyss

say no to surprises because
at once, when you swim up from the shallow waters
they cease to exist
and say no to advances by
people in dances
left, and right
fists in the air
(this is nothing)
perhaps a little to dissuaded from reality
i'm not as drunk on ego as you think
i discovered my disguise in
my face in the corner

say no to the News
and yes to its addiction
believe nothing from people who know
nothing
propaganda exploding in the mist
until it clears up
i've found while you swing around
i'll smash a window with a chair
until everyone's aware
masks or no masks
attention via attention
stand hold
body down
say no to deconstruction
live the fast life
while i sit down and wait
for some little clue

until i realized that all of you
in one loud, pulsing moment
their all the same
and you too
you've fallen so far even though
i've fallen the farthest
but at least i'm honest
ask me again and i think
it'll be the disguise under the skin in
my mask and you hold on
to my choices
and i say no to this 'society'
and i'll say no to you
yes
i'll say no to you
i know i can do it
because all this time i haven't loved you
i've hated you

spinning through a mirror on a solitary
style in the winds of Winter
devouring faces near and far

vulnerable outside here in your
glorious shadow, night or morning
hit me in the head as I stare into
an empty room-
so full, so full

full of gentle movements uncaring
and believable in terms of healing
your grace is ungraceful
(you expect to much)
I can't even believe it

responding to the response that never came,
a little trigger to get your attention

I'm,
holding on
running in a circle,
so nice
doing the dance on the ice

it's alright,
and it's okay
you tell me in my mind
it could be no other way

the farther away I am,
the closer I get
little things that remind me,
and even as I wish I could erase your face
you keep showing me these other things
another side, a hole in the wall
a hole in my heart
outside your window,
running in circles,
so nice, so very very nice
doing this dance (alone) on the cold
hard
sharp
ice

h a n d i n g
over the grave,
just to ****** your attention

lies upon li es and m
                                      o   r e

l ies

spaced in between yelling:
'I'm still here!'
with anger towards thing included
in such matrimony and forgiveness

expectations over the grave
everyone is exactly the same
i am not a privilege and don't deserve you,
or you or you (or you)

patience gone, over the grave
they think it's so easy
finding somewhere to belong
and it is easy
but i chose the hard way
(i'm still here)
aided by loneliness,
(why are you crying)
i am crying too
with stepfive:
Self acceptance and forgiveness
falling down the grave, over the other graves
****** in by the simple beauty of it all
all around me is a painting
sometimes grey, or blue
sometimes all hidden in little boxes,
getting quieter...and quieter
mixed in with style
breathing in, and out
to remember i'm human like the rest of you
so much worse, so much better
i'm still here, and vulnerable
as i hear you breathe in, and out,
turned around your head feeding stepfive to me
but i can swallow as i am the one who needs my choke myself
on self-acceptance and forgiveness
not for one thing, but for many, but most of all you
and all the sighs released are my oxygen
my beautiful, my gorgeous work of art,
why do you throw me over the grave?

I'm still here, vulnerable, and sorry,
choking on stepfive (looking at you)

calm me with your hands
smooth my wounds a little more
i'm lost in this invisible highway
wandering with lots of baggage

while i'm stuck here hung up high by disappointment,
crucified by travesty depression love and sickness
everyday my stomach hurts,
my head burns
i can see the light coming
but i know i must not surrender to the light
that is disguised as darkness

and i must remember, as my body aches
the good times and not the bad
perhaps those times were too few

if i could start over i would
crawl out of a small claustrophobic box of death
and depression
and with my hands, come back into the womb

surrender to the fall,
with the mother of us all
looking over
giving birth to everyone
so fast, so short
i can't look past you,
your eyes staring at me
watching me be taken down
you must throw me into the sun
the true light, the true fight
i can try to see the future but
i'm truly blind to everything
and i know you try to help
but every word crucifies and burns
my aching soul
and as I feel like it's time to melt back into the ground
i climb back into the womb with my Ladder
and wait to be slipped back in again,
but all I can feel is your face
all i see are your eyes
everyone else doesn't matter
i've waited so long
i've been up here so long
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
take me down
and just hold me,
for a little while
because i am not the one who needs to hold,
i am the one who needs to be held.

drain it out,
drain it out

drain me of pollution in my burning soul
cloudy days destroy tattoos on people
stuck in my head
and to hear the cries of
people looking for rights(andwrongs)

i don't need a star and i don't need a connection
betweenotherworldythings
drain it out, everything
the doubt
the senses
the emotion
this background buzz obliterates
my eardrums
-----------------------------------------------------
i­nto the sea of people again
no one looks at me
you've ruined it
i sink into some sink,
down the hole- -
falling

i can't understand why you don't
want to drain me out of you
and why i can't drain you out of me
it's the nightmare that just keeps going
and going
and flashes of faces of your face
just eat the hole
just eat the whole lot
impressing the press and the hole
and ripping me apart (with your
eyes)
the rambling and the falling will stop one day,
(I think i'll just have a little taste)
I have pressed i have pressed I have pressed i have pressed
you down to your core as you have pressed me
but nothing has been drained out except my invisible energy-

that is the pleasure of life

put your hands on me, nice cold and arrogant
be with me until time declares us ignorant
of the majestic sun's son's daughters
created in a circle of death,
and life
everythinginbetweenyouandI

the "and" between
soothes underneath you
beds cool and warm
sheets ripped up
pillows destroyed

i can get no sleep when i want to
i'm up all night putting myself
into what ideal
you've created

if i understand
can you understand
that i can be patient if you can be my patient
i'll relieve your tension with my medicine
nice and warm

untilthenithoughtitwasjustaline
no decision has a meaning
i can be your patient too
soothe me until I can get rid of my sickness
insanity,
whatever

i've been annihilated but endless critiques
and praises
but they're all in my head
they're all in my head
(just like us)

let the music explode one more time,
before the night falls into a morning
and waking up upon a nothingness

misty air goes through my hair,
a headache for a headache for a headache
what's that I see in the mirror,
is it you
is it you
what can i even
understand when
blue eyes are all around
me
not sure what color of their eyes are
blue sounds good
they surround me
i can't choose because they all don't deserve this
abysmal trash
i can't help but fall  down in the sights of the goddesses
can i be content with nothing because
i need to wait longer, and longer
but wait until my death i must
i've witnessed my loss of innocence
from above while I choke blood far away
through fake memories

the windows cold
so young, so old

so wrong, so right
let me be some sort of light before i burn out

hold me up, please
don't slap me anymore
don't attack me
with the words
what did I ever do to you?
the others can't even lay a finger on you, but
all i do is think and think and think
about nothing
nothing is nothing
i'll say it again
impress me
hold me again
lift me up so i can burn  from the sun
and let the ashes come down
let them all cry, go ahead
take me as i am
scream about something stupid
something so stupid it's smart

i didn't do anything to deserve this
i swear to God, oh Jesus come to me
i didn't do anything
it was an accident
i don't want to lose anymore
i'm done
it's finished

I called in the new year like I rang in
every other day

it's decided to be cold and i've decided
to be a little to with the times
forget remembrance of things past,
what about remembering what happens in the future?

depends on the definition of future though,
whether it exists, or not, is up to you
which you probably believe it
like how you believe everything
although i do too, from time to time
we just can't seem to convince each other of anything we
believe in

this is the most agonizing time of the year,
with a new year there should be new events,
but everyday seems to be exactly the same as the other
so what's new and old doesn't matter

and i think i'm to blame
because i bet i'm the one who tried to shake you
and break you

all i need you to do is let me
capitalize myself
and perhaps just let me hold you a little bit
before i end up falling away again, and again

i got locked in the times,
but perhaps when you look at me
the sun will come out and shine
and I'll know your mine

or whatever
nightmares and dissapointment are all that come from this ******* weather anyway

beginnings plunged into deep water
cannot overcome such recompense
time’s reserved healing of endless slaughter  
cannot believe in such cold evidence
if i could i would i’d know this right away,
until a wave holds me and submerges
my thoughts and hands that hold onto the bay
close to whatever home this really is.
if then yelling ‘the world is too much with us’
(and if i could i would see right through you)
an abysmal submergence in the mess
(then whoever could call this ‘what i’d do’)  

whatever this is, in the end it’s something to say:
so yes, in the end, i’d wish it all away

i can't forget what the dirt tastes like
remember broken shards of glass
in your arm
piercing mine on an exploding playground
like my memories and my anger

thumb in palm and a clenched fist
with bruises and blood trickling
down your face
like you've got a crown of thrones
except it's mine
and i need you to crucify this
peaceful moment
this pathetic life
this abysmal circle
until i figure that everyone is innocent or not
and everyone's on their podium until
they're knocked off by the waves
of determination
and then i remember everything you told me
with your fingernails
'***** off'
a joke
a ******* joke
it's all a joke
with your hands on my skin,
my shoulder against yours
the little movements and the peace
and quiet
and your eyes in my eyes
until i smash it with a hammer
because my time is relative
and it's short
and i've waited so long for nothing
because 'everything amounts to
something' which is
**** because
nothing is nothing
especially broken clocks lying
on driveways
and presents left at your door
and stupid hugs
and my stupid arms that never want to let go
of whatever you thought i was
if i could be you i wouldn't
because i'd scare myself too
unto you
unto everything
all i can think about is my thumb on my palm
and my bloodied fist stuck in some
tangent dream
with my crown of thorns
and my cross
and my playground of **** i'm
spiraling my eye
as i dream at night of having a day dream if you
even exist the weather is
cloudy with a one percent chance there's something likable
deep down inside
i am your god
your peace
your understanding
your everything
your nothing
my god
my god
why have you forsaken me?

have you felt my character development yet?

how do i indicate to you what I'd do,
how and when and where where you
i sleep during an infinite number of crime
who knows and who cares, anyway

you look upon me with a broken smile
i thought it would be worth the while for you
to see just what i'd do
to lie and think upon what we were

and i felt, a thousand fleeting moments
inside a cracked heartless lagoon
i can feel anything at all
i can't believe it all when I
fall
to you
to your endless pool
i crawl inside of who you are
all i can think of is always you
but I'll do what i have to do
and i
could cry and want to die
but no
i could hold my own's soul's row
and fly
with you
and sleep with you
what i want to do and what you do too
even as i fall asleep my dreams
are the only escape to this
to cry, sleep to a lullaby
a forgotten log down a river of sighs
there's some hope in
this

goodnight, go to sleep
my friend
i will see you soon, once again
inside the waves inside my heart
you haven't torn it apart

goodnight, go to sleep
my friend
don't you see this can't quite be the end
of it all whatever it is
it just takes a second to **** it in

and if i never **** you in again
and you never take me around again
i wouldn't mind i felt this
all the time
just remember i'll never say goodbye (again)

but go to sleep, my beautiful friend
i can feel you at the coming end
i know where i want to go
i know, where i want to go

go to sleep, my wonderful friend
i will fight with you to the bitter end
and the bitter cold as we get old and
i don't know how but i realized now that
i've got the notion if it happened in the ocean
it would all crash down upon the world

go to sleep, my beautiful end
i will see you again,
my bitter friend.

forced down on the floor
shove my face into the ground some more
and score and score and score
and scream 'some more'

the ending is the ending of the beginning
but where does the new one start

i can march right on down the hallway
and into your presence
into your aura

and float like a goddess from the sea
over and walking on water through the river and to the land
where the people are fertile and growing and civilization
is flowing from the banks
and time heals whatever is surrounded by
demons and shadows
and if you can lend me your hand
this will feel a little different
yet so the same as it was anytime
and anytime you want me i think i'll be here
not on this ******* pedestal
around the ******* mindlessness
i'll be here
this will be the grand finale
booming drums
bows on strings
yes,
yes I see it now
goodbye,
goodbye

goodbye
yes
good
bye

i've bitten of a piece of my shadow and stopped looking
hoping for something more, and
nothing less

apology accepted, take it as my
clack a tack against your shoulder to remember nonsense
all the time

i've always been blunt in a good way
but with certain aspects electrocuted
and born

what makes them happy makes them happy
i'm happy to do so, but you, sad, i think
i'm sorry

it doesn't matter if it makes me happy or sad or frustrated
I feel abysmal without you and searching for you in a sea of admirers-
I quit.

cold
little hot little cold
and old
and tiny compared to
sold

i've been
over this for awhile now
but that's alright
it's okay
i will end this some other way

time
to scratch
my face before
the floor
collapses from
underneath my feet

hello and goodbye,
just like that
in a blink of an eye
with a the click of a button
i'm over all of this
to take it all away and wait, and wait and wait and wait and wait
for nothing
and to sleep
to sleep
sleep.

everything's interesting when it isn't
distant closure fills the void
that i enter every time i move
i feel myself to smooth my body
in the gaudy sort of visions
of people dying on hills

every day feels like the last
and looks like the next
it's not hard to see how much you hate me

bleeding through gifts and embraces and conversations
unlike anyone else i strove to plug in
to you unto you into you
what i'd do

but you turned the cold shoulder
getting older and colder
older and older
and you're getting more and more and more and more and more and more
the same

i don't want your time if you have none to give me
see i believe it when i'm sinking in the depths
among the stars and across bars
i'm sinking into you
and you hate and hate and hate and hate and hate because you're
exactly the same

evil and
abismal as
me
see
you hate
everything
about me
as i forget
the words
imadeupthreeminutesago
you're something I never should have had
and never did in the first place
but if you can, for all the things i gave you,
give me something (just see)
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
that you drowned me
drown me
you drowned me
still drown me

In the midst of my finest hour,  i lick the power and
choke on the sour
fingers and

coming up and out again to scream
i've arrived at my destination like
some hands on my back again
i'm glad i've realized i'm exactly the difference
of what your best friend's friend's worst enemy
(some ******* like that)

one word can change everything-

what have you become
can't say it's not all my fault, but
all these purposes have gotten worse
as i walk slower down the hallway,
people chocked up together
bonding, yelling
screaming out

Holy Christ,
i've come to rea
lize that i can't remember
why i thought i loved you
(or some **** like that )

(like some obsessive stalker,
getting darker in the night
fading in and eating my oxygen
lighting myself on fire to see my surroundings)

stubborn and obnoxious,
loud and angry
i've come to know i can't be like you, that
you're my enemy

take it with a grain of salt, dear
there's some fear in pathos
paths of pathos
lining up to be shot on the spot
disintegrated
disgusting
delusional and abysmal
i may be that of which can haunt you as you haunted me but
a little smile
can perk around
i'll come around
maybe you'll grow up
to see something and be a little less blind

i hope so (all the time)

highway speeding,
fast track-(I'm bleeding)
this is never ending(never
gonna' end)
time's barrier crosses down
through the town of the past
and little things different
yet so the same
just the way I wanted to be
our two souls,
you and me,
together we'll see
past all the roads spat out of black holes
(our own little life)

through metal invisible bars
we're crashing dreams like cars.

i ****** in my reality,
and fell into the dream

i am my own microphone
hello, is this thing on?
wonderful, *******
vegetable
lying on my couch

on my bed, naked
rolling over on top
of the invisible  bump under the
covers

time's my own ghost
drop down the bombs
drop down the time bombs
something
ticking
down
slowly
like
me

work it, time to rip apart the
******* vegetable like it's my
own skin when I'm bored
there's no meaning, to this, juxtaposed reality
i'm just sorry it kills you
sorry it kills me
to say that I need you
to say that I want you
to know that i I wonder
will you
ever
ever
never
ever if
i would
i could
i would
take my heart
rip it apart
(would you like this?)

no body fits into me
screaming
gleaming with a face
so young, so old
grow old together
naked as i was born
unremembered
drugged
take me as a gift
as i wallow through the **** and mud and blood
all over the place it's all over the place
and exploding endings take their place in hell or heaven or
some distant Elysium
wonder if i had it in mind to tell you
so stupid, so sorry
once again again
i rip the ******* vegetable
like my skin when I'm bored
there's no ******* meaning to this juxtaposed reality
just all this pouring **** mud and blood all over me