comfortable
in
my
lonely

you treated my weakness like a crime
i was the inmate and you the warden
you cuffed my insecurities
and put me in a cage
locking me away from myself for years.

it's 2 AM
you're sleeping
i'm smoking
thinking of how you broke me

sitting here
it's 2AM
I'm staring at a wall
the only thoughts I have
are of the memories
we
never
got
to
make

I learned to hate you.
I learned to hate you because,
if I don't.
I will love you.
and if I love you
my heart will open again.
and if I love you
you have a chance to  hurt me again.

love
is
a
pain
no
doctor
can
explain

my anxiety
is like an ab workout
tying knots in my stomach

You hurt me
and like the artist I am
I turned it into a
masterpiece
for you
to see

Sometimes
i wish we could just forget each other
so we can meet again for the first time

you are the drug that only works when I don't  need you
the alcohol intoxicating me when I should be sober
the **** cigar between my lips when I should be focusing
you are the crack pipe in my mouth when I should be breathing
you are the drug that only works when I don't need you
like ******* you make me high when I should be low
like ****** I am so addicted to you it hurts when you leave me
like acid you make me trip sometimes
you are the drug that only works when I don't need you
Like xanax you make me numb inside
like MDMA you make my skin prickle
like LSD I see things when i'm with you
you are the drug that only works when i don't need you....

i planted seeds in the holes you left on my heart
seeds of healing
and
seeds of happy
but most of all
seeds of acceptance.

Honey,
just
like
this
cigarette
between
MY
lips.
YOU
were
cheap,
dangerous
and
did
not
last
very
long.
Baby,
just
like
the
cigarette
between
YOUR
lips.
YOU
threw
ME
away
once
I
filled
YOU
up.

if you can be my stars,
i'll be your sky.
if you can be my sun,
i'll be your moon.
if you can be my ocean,
i'll be your waves.

I want to be your cigarette.
Be the smoke that fills your lungs.
I want to linger in your breath,
and stain your fingers.
I want to be the taste you crave,
and the bud you kiss every day.

Just a
B R O K E N
boy
trying
to
B R E A T H E
through
the
smoke
of
a
B U R N I N G
world

You go into a building
and speak to your God
I walk out into nature
and my Gods speak to me

i cry all night
but smile all day
i drink to take the pain away
i smoke my lungs black
and contemplate
throwing myself off a building
wouldn't that be great?

i sit and think...
is my life even worth living?
how can it be if its so unfulfilling
i contemplate and take another drag
and think about how i'm just another ***
how i'll always be alone
and how i want my life to be over and done.

i think about loneliness
and how it makes me feel
i think about the times i spent
thinking love was real
i think i want to give up
i don't want to live it up

my roses
are dead
and my voilets
never grew

i'm sorry for all the tears you have to soak up,
but your hugs will forever be my safe space.
not forgetting my weighted blankets,
wrapping me in sheets of sadness
as i slowly break down.
your embrace will always comfort me.
also the sad songs
don't ever forget the songs
their symphonies carrying me to another world
a world where i am not the only one.
a world where there is someone just like me
going through the same
as me.
and the cigarettes
the cigarettes i use to **** all the parts of me
the parts of me i don't like.
dear pillow
i'm sorry
sorry for all the tears.

you are the lover in my bed
but also the gun to my head
you love me fiercely
but you also hurt me deeply

i allow you to let me settle
settle for things i wouldnt be fine with...
if it wasnt you doing them.
settle for no good morning kisses just my longing looks at your sleepy face.
no cute texts, just "ok" and "love u"  
settle for cuddles.. but only if i ask them.
settle for me feeling like im asking too much.
am i asking too much?
all i ever wanted was a love that consumes me, rips me apart
but puts me back together in a different formation
a more beautiful art piece than i was before.
i wanted a love that comes to me without asking
forcing its way into my heart.
a love that wont ever leave.
and i got exactly that.
you consume me... youre ripping me apart....
but where is the different formation?
why arent you re building?
cant you see that im hurting...
you came into my life and changed me
made me better in ways
made me worse most days.  
you came into my life and loved me
but not in the way i needed
loved me
your way
am i being unfair for expecting the same love i give to you in return?
will giving it to me let your confusing heart burn?
i sound so ungrateful
but really im not
this makes me seem hatefull
but youre all ive got
im so afraid to lose you
do you feel the same?
because its difficult to know
when will you ever grow
like trees i change and shed my leaves with every season of your change
but you stay the same...
you stay... the... same...
same
same
same half love i always get
you say were built different and i get that
but why do i have to keep asking
and begging
and pleading
just to be loved.
not half loved
not almost loved
just
LOVED.

when I was alive
YOU avoided me like a plague.
now that I'm dead
you wanna cry at MY grave?
YOU bring flowers
I needed when I was alive.
YOU speak kind words
that would've changed MY awful life.
you say I was taken too soon,
but I was the one who decided
I wanna go to the moon.
this was MY choice,
MY voice,
MY blade,
and MY wrist!
So don't cry at my funeral
when you're the one that
pushed me to this point.

i drink because it brings back memories
and memories bring back you
...

We are not
in the same boat,
but we are
in the same storm,
only,
you have a massive ship.
and all i have is a
canoe.

i poured all the love i ever owned
into you.
and once you filled up
you left

he was  hell for her
but she didn't mind burning at all

it's 3:09am
your picture just popped onto my timeline
i remember what we were
i remember how it felt
i remember your smell
and the way you used to
make me smile
then i remember
you're not here anymore
what we were is gone now
what i felt is wrong now
your smell is fading
and the smile you always gave me
is waning.

all it takes is a
beautiful fake smile from me
to hide my injured soul.
and you will never notice
how truly
B
     R
O
     K
E
     N
i am.

at first i just liked you
but you were with her
then my like grew like a ****
and you're still with her
and now...
i love you
like a fool
but you're with her
you love her.
not me.

i'm so blunt
you could smoke
my truth.

at the age of 10
i convinced myself i wont make it to 25
now
at the age of 25
i don't know what to do,
how to deal
or
how to keep living

I burned that bridge
and danced in the ashes of what we used to be
i broke free from you
with ***** feet
but a clean heart

if i knew it would be the last time i could see you fall asleep,
i would've done more to keep you warm.
if i knew it would be the last time i get to see you walk out that door
i would've kissed you
and hugged you
and called you back for another kiss
if i knew it would be the last time i could hear your voice
i would've recorded you,
so i could listen to it over and over.
we live as if we still have loads of time to do what we want
but what if today was your last chance?

Sometimes
i
find
myself
missing
what
it
feels
like
to
miss
someone

so last night,
i went on a date,
this man made me dinner,
a bubble bath was waiting for me,
candles were lit,
wine was  in my hand the moment I arrived,
in essence the perfect date.
this man,
tried his utmost best to make me feel...
comfortable.
it was in fact, by far...
one of the best dates i've been on.
but even months after your
D E A T H
YOU were the one on my mind,
floating through it like a helium filled balloon'
filling it up, expanding uncontrollably,
crowding my brain with thoughts of
how happy we once were.
this had me wondering
what if i can never
fall for someone else,
someone else... that isn't you?
what if i can never be in love again
because they won't be you?

you played hide and seek with my happy and my sad
you only ever found the sad.
the happy got lost a long time ago

you set me on fire to keep you warm
and when i burned out
you left without a word

Number one is blue – for the bruises you left on my face that day

2 – I saw the red lipstick stain, the night you came back from your “parents”

Number three – the white walls in your room bearing so many memories, now everywhere I go I see white walls reminding me of what you did to me.

4 – Is grey. For the grey area in my mind. The grey area you helped put there

Number five – the colour I see when you try and lie to my face

6 – the bruises are finally starting to heal, now they’re purple

Number seven – the green demon in your mind called jealousy
It controls your life.

8 – the colour of the flowers you buy me. The day after you beat me

Number nine – is silver. The armour I built around me.
Everyone knows, creatures like you,
Can’t touch silver.

people keep asking
how i do it?
how i stay strong?
how i keep going?
what they don't know
is that i was never given a choice.
i was forced
shoved even

You
left
me
B  
          R
O
             K  
          E  
                  N

I wanted you,
you wanted that.
I needed you,
you needed a fix.
I loved you,
you loved drugs.
I
loved
you,
you
loved
******.
now you want me,
I don't want you.
now you need me,
I don't need you.
now you love me,
I don't love you.
now you love me,
I
don't
love
you
…

i miss the old me
the happy me
the driven me
the ambitious me


the me i was before you
the me you broke into pieces
the me that will never return

the feeling of
your love
your caring
your anger even
the sensation of  
your touch
your smell
your taste even
i just miss you
so so much

People keep getting tired of me
then they leave
what they don't know
is that i am tired too
but i always choose to stay

nothing
is
louder
than
the
sound
of
my
thoughts
running
through
my
mind
at
3am