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862 · Oct 2019
Still cracking
Julianna Oct 2019
Shambling legs
And tired eyes
Fake smiles
And lovely lies
835 · Jan 2021
What we say
Julianna Jan 2021
We do not say the word love
it is ice we dare not tread for fear of cracking

We say:
Care, cherish, treasure, admire

To say love would be jump into
The fullness of emotion that lies beneath the ice
619 · Nov 2020
Dear Brendon Urie
Julianna Nov 2020
Dear Brendon Urie
this impossible year your songs were the only thing that put vigor in my blood, and feeling in my limbs. Until we feel alright. In my darkest hours your songs made my skeleton want to dance, made it dance, it always danced to your music. Always forever I will dance to your music.
Dear Brendon Urie
I'm all dressed up and naked. A tiktok, that was all it was, innocently scrolling through tiktok with my friend (though one could argue with her feed it is never innocent), I saw it. Do you know when you have the dream that you're naked at school?  This is a hundred fold worse. I was not naked, but something tore certainty from my body. The music that had help build be up burned my structure. You can set yourself on fire
Dear Brendon Urie
Girls love girls and boys. I came out as lesbain a few months ago. You gave me a space to explore that, you said ‘its ok to be queer’, then you punched me across the face. Homophobe was not usually even close to the row of adjectives I reserved for you but now it is.
Dear Brendon Urie
Just another LA Devotee. I thought for a second that tik tok was like voter fraud in Wisconsin, false claims made by uneducated people. Then the truth hits, no women lies about ****** harassment, no fan lies about your racist monologe at a concert, nobody lies about someone saying the n word, no one lies about you laughing at a ablelist joke. You are not as shiny as you appear. The glitter dancing on the skin. The decades might've washed it out.
Dear Brendon Urie
It's better to burn than to fade away. For years I have watched each of my heros burn
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Dear Gloria Steniem.
Every author I ever loved homophic.
Dear Kevin Clash
Dear Michael Jackson
Dear Bill Cosby
Every artist I every loved accused of pedophila
Dear lance armstrong
Dear basketball players
Every athlete I aspired to be like a drug used
Dear Bill Clinton
Every politican I admired accused of ****** assault
You have all proved to me that there are no heroes that there is no one to look up to.
I am sad more than angry, sad that you couldn’t be bothered to love the world as they love you.
lines this impossible year, until we feel alright, I'm all dressed up and naked, You can set yourself on fire, Girls love girls and boys, Just another LA Devotee, The glitter dancing on the skin. The decades might've washed it out. It's better to burn than to fade away are all supposed to be italicized (and were) until i pasted it in here. Idk how to make them italicized in hellop
601 · Dec 2019
I’m a liar
Julianna Dec 2019
I’m still a liar
I still lie to you
it doesn’t matter
when, why, or who
I’m still working
on trusting others
but I’m really just
learning to trust myself
549 · Nov 2019
Not a perfect 13
Julianna Nov 2019
13 years on the planet
and I can’t get it right
the personality
the ****** expressions
the life
I can’t get it right
maybe I never will
429 · Oct 2019
What’s impossible
Julianna Oct 2019
Pouring water from a glass
That was never full
Beautiful dangers lie
In what’s impossible
Lovely like lighting
Or a rainbow
388 · Nov 2019
Apology for love
Julianna Nov 2019
Let me apologize

for the way I loved you

and the way it came crashing down
337 · Nov 2019
The meaning of querenica
Julianna Nov 2019
When you’re sad
they notice
they comfort them
When your world comes crashing down
they’re there
at your side
When your minds violate
they hold you, gently
and don’t say a word
When you make a mistake
they don’t scream
they simply help you fix it
When you’re gone
they miss you
295 · Dec 2019
Is this happiness
Julianna Dec 2019
I felt happy
for the first time
in a long time
I was at best buddies
frosting cookies
then suddenly
I realized I felt happy
happy is a language between strangers
happy is singing songs
out of tune and not caring
happy is knowing
that you’re loved
happy is the unexpected
you cannot set a trap for it
246 · Nov 2019
Loud mind
Julianna Nov 2019
My mind
is on constant alert
finding every scenario possible
making sure I’m not too secure
not too confident
it’s hard to silence at night
where demon play best
I’m not afraid of the dark
I just know the facts
227 · Nov 2019
Fires embrace
Julianna Nov 2019
fire scorches
but the reward it brings
outweighs the danger
fire is no stranger
it has been privy
to many conversations
as well as dangers
no one knows of the burden it carries
burning itself
to warm others
222 · Oct 2019
Julianna Oct 2019
I’ve always been interested
in the human brain
so complex
yet bound by simple things
by drama
by emotions
by the words it has
your mind is only bound
by the boxes you have
212 · Nov 2019
Julianna Nov 2019
I’m outgoing
with one treacherous friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 1, 2 and 3
I fall in love
have a few friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 4, 5, and 6
I am foolish
outside of academics
and my social life falls apart
and I am alone

Middle school 7th grade
I am unsure about love
and confess to it
ending in humiliation
and I am alone

I was never designed to be alone
but here, in 8th grade, I am
and will always be alone
“Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. ****** doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym.”
- Stephen King
205 · Nov 2019
Not my love
Julianna Nov 2019
Your smile
your laugh
you’re not the person I knew
that person was a lie
created be ambivalence
and nïavity
a stupid girl
who was never I love with you
197 · Nov 2019
delicate set
Julianna Nov 2019
I see the strange
beautiful, and delicate things
they are in every day life
the way branches sift and shutter
waving in harmony
how that man is smiling
when he talks to his students
the laugh lines around his mouth and eyes
turning up with his lips
the way the bags under that girls eyes
look permeant and set
the world is an orchestra
and I have only seen
a few measures
193 · Oct 2019
Calling for You
Julianna Oct 2019
the trees are reaching
clawing for you
ready to embrace
trees whisper their welcome
trees whisper your worth
they can’t wait until you’re theirs
in their clutching arms
the waiting is killing them
burning their very soul
ebbing at their patience
taking its deadly toll
you know you want to come
to this quiet place  
where dreams run wild
possibilities are pondered
and tomorrow seems way off yonder
so come
they’re waiting for you
193 · Nov 2019
Your job
Julianna Nov 2019
It’s not your job but it’s nice
Just because it’s not your job
Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it
The 13th was national kindness day
178 · Dec 2019
no person stands taller
Julianna Dec 2019
the hero
I know
may not know recognition
or fame
they may be poor
or lonely and lost
yet they still bend down
to help the ones in need'
my hero
has never stood taller
one thing can make a difference. Thank you to every one in service, those who do the hard jobs, and those will help all in need.
177 · Dec 2019
One day
Julianna Dec 2019
One day they’ll
see me
on the podiums
by chance
one day they’ll
see me doing
my own dance
and one day
I’ll believe in the stars
but today’s not that
169 · Dec 2019
The downfall of everything
Julianna Dec 2019
My friend told me
the death brings life meaning
and I told her
that’s why we hustle for the win
because every one might be our last
166 · Dec 2019
Perpetually marked day
Julianna Dec 2019
Two worlds collided on December 20th
two worlds that were separate
and supposed to stay that way
they met
they didn’t scream
or explode
but I still couldn’t breath
while the had a conversation
about the school system
A teacher, who helped me very much, met my father on the 20th. Even though my father had no knowledge of this teacher, I was still nervous about this meeting.
163 · May 2020
Julianna May 2020
You reflect
                                                                ­                  n
                                                       i      ­   b
                                                               ­             a               o
                                                     With ariel  r                       ws  so wispy
                                                     almost spectral in nature

                  But shadows swirl in you as well,
                  darkness within light.
                  tiny little rainbows
                  scatter out of sight

Fill up the sky
with your flight
Up up up
don’t look back

                                    Up up up
                                    till the pressure
                                    makes you crack
sorry coudln't get to b and the i in the right place. It's supposed to be a rainbow, but it didn't work.
154 · Jan 2021
Rich red flowers
Julianna Jan 2021
I used to let the rich red flowers that sprout every month
dominate my garden
I couldn't- wouldn’t- undergo the embarrassment
of digging shears out of by bag  
And dragging them into the bathroom with me.
I couldn’t bear to leave the clippings in there,
perhaps I wouldn’t.
I wonder who made me ashamed of this red garden.
I wonder why they find it so thorny,
when these are not roses,
but tulips
154 · Oct 2019
Just watch
Julianna Oct 2019
the owl watches
a sentinel  
its eyes
flashlights in the darkness
its wings
its feathery cloak
its talons
the weapon of choice
145 · Dec 2019
Not even the birds sang
Julianna Dec 2019
The sun beat down
on a land of plenty
but storms came
scarring the landscape
and burning the life away
disorder rained as king
with the new king
came numbness so deep
that not even the birds sang
142 · Oct 2019
Julianna Oct 2019
I cannot help
A drowning person
Who refuses to be saved
I cannot change
The way wind blows
Within a hurricane
I cannot
Make dead flowers come alive again
I cannot
Quiet every voice in my head
Accept these things
and you will see
I am flaws
with good intentions
141 · Oct 2019
Dead end
Julianna Oct 2019
Lost in my head
I run the maze
Shadows lurk
Avoid their gaze
Turn left of right
It doesn’t care
It will take you anywhere
Find the key
And hold on tight
You might not have it after tonight
In the morning you awake
Run the same maze
The demons can not wait
140 · Nov 2019
Problematic emotion
Julianna Nov 2019
Whenever you don’t text back
I’m afraid
I stare at my phone
until it yields an answer
waiting for a ping

When you aren’t on the bus
I stare at your spot
as if you’ll appear

Even when I know
you’ve moved on
I comb the hallways for you
searching for the infamous smile
that I’ve learned to love

still you are my lovely disadvantaged
my anam cara
my problematic emotion
you were amazing

I must forget
forget the smile
the texts
late at night
forget the brush of your
skin against mine
and the hugs
I didn’t want to end

You are my lovely disadvantage
missing empty space
137 · Nov 2019
Truthful eyes
Julianna Nov 2019
The truth was in my eyes
the whole time
all you had to do was look
I’m sorry, that i wont fess up to the fact i broke your trust. You’ll never hear this but i wish you did
137 · Nov 2019
Silent emails
Julianna Nov 2019
Weeping silently
between sobs I write an email,
which I will never send
it will grow old in the pile of drafts
that grows everyday
all to the same person,
who will continue
to ask me why
I don’t send him emails
an I will never have the right answer
maybe I’m scared
of judgment
but he will continue to ask
134 · Oct 2019
Julianna Oct 2019
Not all prisons
are made of steel and metal
some are made
of silence
and our own minds
130 · Nov 2019
And still.......
Julianna Nov 2019
I’m skinner than before
and still
I can’t glance in the mirror
and still
I can’t wear tight clothing
and still
I glance at my stomach
and still
I can’t eat lunch somedays
and still
my thighs bother me
and still......
129 · Nov 2019
Julianna Nov 2019
What if we all wrote
with reckless abandon
reveling in mistakes
not watching punctuation
or spelling
writing every word
in our souls
till all was right
what if....
we didn’t wait
123 · Nov 2019
Dump yard
Julianna Nov 2019
Barren wastelands
of plastic
cursed with eternal life
towers of humanities junk
showing us
what defines a people
122 · Feb 2021
The worst days
Julianna Feb 2021
Tell me about the worst days

So I show you my ****** hands
and bound legs

I show you the maggots in my skeleton
and the pins in my hands

I show you the patches in my head
and the bumps down my back

You pretend not to notice the decaying nature of me,
pretend not to see my slow acting killer.

and are surprise when I tell you that the maggots java burrowed into my hips
121 · Oct 2019
Stale truths, fresh lies
Julianna Oct 2019
The first truth in a long time
Always feels a little stale
on your tongue and breath
You must ask yourself
Is it refreshing
Or repulsive
For that will show
your loyalty
120 · Nov 2019
Code word
Julianna Nov 2019
The code word is fine
don’t let go
hold onto me through this
don’t let me forget
my humanity
my sanity
so the code word is fine
don’t lose our memories
don’t say I’m crazy
you’re breaking the trust
I’m sorry
I’m still just a little girl
with broken memories
116 · Dec 2020
A vending machine
Julianna Dec 2020
When the out of order is in order
it is a hard feeling to place
The chips are all mixed up inside
But the machine can still dispense

The out of order sign belongs on me
but yet by some mystery
no one has even checked so see if they can get chips
115 · Mar 2021
Julianna Mar 2021
You hold out a flower to me and show me its intricacies, its petal, its every seam.
Then you ask if I could live with myself if I squished, because you couldn't,  you say
I tell you most days I already don’t live with myself,
I am just waking up and waiting to fall asleep
Or in bed waiting for the morning,
counting the intricacies of the wall.
I tell you that my head already doesn’t live with me, it lives leagues deeper,
much deeper in the petals of my flower.
And when I show you my back with all the seams,
the places where the stem meets the petals, and they stitch together unwillingly.
I tell you, the world has already smashed me,
It seems to have no problem living with it.
Julianna Jun 2020
just let me suffer alone
I’ve done it before
I’ll sit all alone on the bathroom floor,
I’ll leave all the doors closed.

I don’t want to be seen,
on the fourth day of no shower
I don’t to be seen
when I can’t move or scream

I do not want you to worry
don’t bother to check in
I’ll be a mess that belongs in the bin
do keep your eyes of me, keep your eyes blurry

So leave your worry here and leave
but please do not grieve
you do all you can
but in the end it was my hand
111 · Dec 2019
Perfectly hidden
Julianna Dec 2019
memories I cannot understand
with emtions lost to time
perfectly hidden
in these memories
are the secret to my childhood
109 · Oct 2019
Sealed lips
Julianna Oct 2019
There are words
Maybe paragraphs
That I wanted to scream
But I kept my mouth shut
And said ok
Because anything more
would mean tears
107 · Dec 2019
How would it have gone
Julianna Dec 2019
I am not
or unique
but you were
and I was ready
to torture myself
through another year
if it meant you would stick around
101 · Nov 2019
Julianna Nov 2019
we are the late night dreamers
we are the cast down faces
we are the thinkers
we are the forgotten tarnished souls,
with too many scars for acceptance
we are the fighters,
who rally the war cries
we lose battles,
with other selves
and forget who we are

we are people
we are human,
sometimes we need
to be reminded of that
100 · Oct 2019
Julianna Oct 2019
I hope that everyone
that love me and holds me close
knows when to let go
First try at a haiku. Criticism is appreciated. What’s your strategy for writing haikus.
100 · Oct 2019
Bad tempered enigma
Julianna Oct 2019
People who are malicious
are an enigma
that I want to solve
why do they act out?
low self esteem?
family problems?
what made them this way?
their mind?
their family?
I wan to solve the puzzle
so that I can help them and the victims
99 · Jan 2021
Julianna Jan 2021
I swallow my med
like one uses a lifesaver,
with desperation

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine

the people around me are somber,
the world is gray,
I am lively

you make me happy
when skies are gray

I drop the pill back in the organizer
the first of many to remain in that box

I learn to create my own sunshine
Hi everyone haven't posted in while, but now I have an instagram account: @acollectionofaureates
99 · Dec 2019
Julianna Dec 2019
It is cold
but everyone’s cold
struggling with
their prime drug
wether that be
love or fame
success or failure
illness or health
yessir we all have one
even if  we can’t admit it
and mine is multifaceted
wow I’m still only thirteen
“We’re all just a bunch of addicts, struggling with our drug of choice.”
97 · Dec 2019
102 going on 103
Julianna Dec 2019
Is 102 poems since September too many?
am I prolific
or so insane I need the poems?
in September I called poems a drug
I may have been exactly right
Well now 103.
95 · Nov 2019
Cheshire cat
Julianna Nov 2019
Don’t speak
it’s easier that way
they scream
and maybe they’re right
but I just grin
like the Cheshire cat
and walk away
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