People who are malicious
are an enigma
that I want to solve
why do they act out?
low self esteem?
family problems?
what made them this way?
their mind?
their family?
I wan to solve the puzzle
so that I can help them and the victims

Her mouth is a smile
But her eyes are empty
She says she’s fine
But her eyes plead
She has a brave face
But she looks away
The eyes can never deceive

I kept saying:
no one loves me
no one thinks I'm beatiful

What I really meant:
I don't love me
I don't think I'm beatiful

I am trying to write a letter to the man who tried to save me.
I don’t know what to say
And maybe that's why I stop
Maybe that's why the ground remains the same distance away.
Maybe that's why the bridge doesn’t win this time.
The characters of ‘dear teacher’
are the only things that mark the page

Lonely and alone are different
but right now I am alone and lonely

Yes, I am still alive.
but I
no longer enjoy
the senation of
air entering
my lungs

Don’t speak
it’s easier that way
they scream
and maybe they’re right
but I just grin
like the Cheshire cat
and walk away

every time you glance over a "fine"
every time you're cold and unsupportive
when you ask the easy questions
when you see pain in someones eyes
and do nothing
every time....

you're gambling with a life
so ask the hard questions
see past the masks and lies
throw down the rope
or tie the noose
it's your call this time

Is 102 poems since September too many?
am I prolific
or so insane I need the poems?
in September I called poems a drug
I may have been exactly right

We are writing our from our hearts
Red ink staining the pages
We are writing with our hearts
Each word in rhythm
We are showing everyone our hearts
So that no one can see the wounds elsewhere
We are convincing ourselves that if our heart still beats
There is no problem.
But our hearts are beating our blood away

I just want to lie here
but you signal a new day
I try to shut you out
in every possible way

I pull the covers above my head
I bury my face in the bed.
I clamp my eyes closed,
yet you make me sleep in throws.

I will not wake to a new day
as hopeless as the rest
I do not want to see the sunrise
please just let it set

I do not want to wake
just to see my hands shake
just to see my soul break
I have nothing of this day to make.

Please just let me lie here
as the sun streams in
Please just let me cry here
as the sun streams in

My tears trail one another
mixing, and intwining,
asking each other:
Why is she crying now?

The stork is ready
to begin the hunt
but there is a string
around my neck
holding me still
I grab the fish near me
but I cannot swallow
for the string is to tight
my ambition is the fish
but they are far away
and the string is so short

I promised
I would always stand with you
forever
but
you grew up
when I wasn’t looking
and suddenly
you didn’t want me around
I talked
but you no longer listen
I was waiting on
your answer:
did I break a promise
or honor the trust of one?

The memories I made with you no longer fit with me
But I can't decide whether to weigh them down
Or set them free

I made these memories on a stormy sea
But where doesn’t matter
Because you were with me

Now you're gone
But don't come back
I no longer sail on seas like that

My heart tightens my rib cage traps my lungs
these are part of a dance we’ve done many times
a dance where one partner is trying to run
and the other  is trying to waltz.
You do not get a head start,
there is no finish line or trophy.
You just hope that the next dance is slower,
The steps are less hard, and the partner less willing to dance.

I am learning
to not make my sadness
a metaphor

but this is not one of those times'

today my sadness is everything from the ceiling fan,
to the lonely moon in the sky

Watercolor leaves
Dancing in the trees
Blurred by the rain
Soothe my pain

The darkest hour of the night
held though in her eyes
yet the stars
shown bright as well
in her eyes

Does she know
how I admire her from afar
how I love her
would she leave me if she knew

we are the late night dreamers
we are the cast down faces
we are the thinkers
we are the forgotten tarnished souls,
with too many scars for acceptance
we are the fighters,
who rally the war cries
we lose battles,
with other selves
and forget who we are

we are people
we are human,
sometimes we need
to be reminded of that

These words are my veins on the page
I’ve pulled them out with a pen
taking care not to break them or bleed them
just for this poem

These metaphors are my skin
simply a sheet to hide the true meaning
I’ve made sure not to damage the layers
just for this poem

These similes are my hair
woven into different shapes
I got the whole hair, by the roots
just for this poem

This ink is my blood and tears
a mixture so fine it never bleeds on the page
I’ve mixed them both together
just for this poem

Just for this poem
I will give give my body
just for the last drop of ink
I will give you all my blood

I wore pigtails
in kindergarten
because every one thought
I was a boy
I wore dresses in 1st grade
pigtails weren’t enough
in 2d I wore pants
only with floral patterns though
otherwise they asked
in 8th grade a classmate joked
that I look like a boy
I laughed
but lost a piece of young me

half finished sentences roll in my mouth
threatening their next words
almost like bombs.
they contain secrets
that would change my word in a moment
they hold my downfall
they hold my rise
and always on the tip of my tongue they roll
when I'm around you

You ask me questions,
Say more you say
Say more about suicide
Say more about your relationship with your parents
Say more
Say less my brain says
Say less about your feeling
more about your friends
Say less about your dreams
more about the season
Say less, the world will be a better place

to lay among the grass and flowers
is to speak their language

I hoped  
that tomorrow it would be better
but it wasn’t
I still spent 2 hours crying in the bathroom,
not being able to move, breath,
or understand the silent tears on my face
I still spent hours weaving
narratives that never did happen.
I still couldn't answer what I’d do in 15 years

Hope where are you,
I thought you were a light in the dark
A flare in a vast ocean, a sign of life
instead you are nothing,
you do not sit by me when I still spend hours crying
you do not sit by me as I imagine a worse tomorrow
you are somewhere else entirely, and I am alone.

I roll the words I say to you around in my mouth,
Making sure I will feel good about them later
But of course, I don’t.
Later I will curse my words, and wish I spent them more wisely.
There is always more to say to you.
I want to tell you how I used to make sandcastles out of plastic cups,
I want to tell you how everyday I wonder if the person next to me is depressed
I want to tell you what book I’m reading.
I want to tell you I’m lesbian.
To tell you though I would have to spend a lot of words

Anxiety is wondering
finding the worst scenario
and elaborating on it
anxiety is a fast growing plant
climbing up walls
and erasing everything else
anxiety is erratic
going from saying something
to college applications
anxiety is living in the future
forgetting what is right here and now

I fall over something
my head hits the wall
the thought in my brain
turn sideways
and lose their balance
I’m stuck on the ground
suddenly I remember
people are watching
so stand back up
and walk away
without any direction
what a public display of pain

Shroud my vision
blur my mind
tripping every step
heavy heart
but not of stone
just tarnished
not shattered
just bleeding
will I heal before
my heart shrivels

Quiet faces
and loud minds
sitting back because
not everything requires a reaction

In the cold fall air
doubting ourselves
aren’t we quite the pair
we sit in silence all alone
yet so much is fixed
we help each other build
what people have destroyed
just an unusual pair

I debated about
sending an email
but I don’t want to bother you
so I sit alone
feeling worse every second
still the emails are silent
unsent, unread
and there they shall remain

My hands shake
and all I do is stare at them
the people around me
unaware of its significant
my gaze is unfocusing
because my imagination is taking over
which is never a good thing

The first time I made a watercolor
was unclear and inconcise
a bleeding between emotions; of colors overlapping
the brush tasted blue and loved it
wanted to spread it across the page
A permanently stained brush always leaves a mark of its first color
bleeding into all others

my hair lies in wads
littering my bed
clinging to my clothes
my hair is running short
when will I stop ripping

Clouds are swirling
and trees sway
clouded heart
and confused brain
but yet I’m not really in pain
because it all feels the same

For a while you thought you were the only one on the bus
A lonely passenger on a bus with no stops
And no driver
darkness around you
A bump jolts the bus
A foot off the seat you will see them
other passengers too absorbed in their own music
to see the things in front of them
Will you raise the shades and see the light of the outside
Will you hit the pause button for a moment and enjoy this with me?

the words I meant to say
are crumbling.
Come get them before they're blown to ash

When the lights go out
I’ll be right there
beside you
and if you
cannot bear
to turn on the lights
then I will sit with you
talk with you
in the pitch black

when your heart is thumping
out of your chest
leaving brusies wher the thumps
falls on your chest
and your wearing the peices
it can't hold on your sleeve
you begin to wonder if this love,
this heartbreak will define this year
if the sorry they tell
will come to ring in your ears
an echo to cooling of the choles
will the sorry come to burn in your throat
with a sting you can't shallow
like the depression pills you take dry

I am not special
you were and you lost it
so I’m here to help you
pick up the pieces
even if that means losing my own

our relationship was like confetti
the parties gone, the guests have left
but it sits, damp, lifeless, alone
in the grass

Our relation ship was like glitter
even though the sparkle is gone,
its still turning up
in the couch cushions

Our relationship is like the party long gone
every loves to reminisce
but no one wishes they'd stayed longer

I have paraphrased
my struggle on this page.
To find some meaning

Every wall I’ve built
came crashing down
with a
I don’t want to do this anymore
you destroyed my walls
you trusted me,
and I trusted you
but that’s over
so don’t try to crack
the walls again

I’m just trying to push
the hurt out through my veins

I’m just trying to
bleed and bruise my way out

I’m just wondering if
I can make my pain physical and valid

We’ll still be friends,
right?
no we won’t
we’ll grow apart
you won’t like my poetry
and I won’t like
your boy obsession
we’ll break
we were never a good pair

Me and happiness
are not holding hands yet
no,
we are more like an awkward couple
walking our fingers towards each other