We do not say the word love
it is ice we dare not tread for fear of cracking

We say:
Care, cherish, treasure, admire

To say love would be jump into
The fullness of emotion that lies beneath the ice

Shambling legs
And tired eyes
Fake smiles
And lovely lies

Dear Brendon Urie
this impossible year your songs were the only thing that put vigor in my blood, and feeling in my limbs. Until we feel alright. In my darkest hours your songs made my skeleton want to dance, made it dance, it always danced to your music. Always forever I will dance to your music.
Dear Brendon Urie
I'm all dressed up and naked. A tiktok, that was all it was, innocently scrolling through tiktok with my friend (though one could argue with her feed it is never innocent), I saw it. Do you know when you have the dream that you're naked at school?  This is a hundred fold worse. I was not naked, but something tore certainty from my body. The music that had help build be up burned my structure. You can set yourself on fire
Dear Brendon Urie
Girls love girls and boys. I came out as lesbain a few months ago. You gave me a space to explore that, you said ‘its ok to be queer’, then you punched me across the face. Homophobe was not usually even close to the row of adjectives I reserved for you but now it is.
Dear Brendon Urie
Just another LA Devotee. I thought for a second that tik tok was like voter fraud in Wisconsin, false claims made by uneducated people. Then the truth hits, no women lies about ****** harassment, no fan lies about your racist monologe at a concert, nobody lies about someone saying the n word, no one lies about you laughing at a ablelist joke. You are not as shiny as you appear. The glitter dancing on the skin. The decades might've washed it out.
Dear Brendon Urie
It's better to burn than to fade away. For years I have watched each of my heros burn
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Dear Gloria Steniem.
Every author I ever loved homophic.
Dear Kevin Clash
Dear Michael Jackson
Dear Bill Cosby
Every artist I every loved accused of pedophila
Dear lance armstrong
Dear basketball players
Every athlete I aspired to be like a drug used
Dear Bill Clinton
Every politican I admired accused of ****** assault
You have all proved to me that there are no heroes that there is no one to look up to.
I am sad more than angry, sad that you couldn’t be bothered to love the world as they love you.

I’m still a liar
I still lie to you
it doesn’t matter
when, why, or who
I’m still working
on trusting others
but I’m really just
learning to trust myself

13 years on the planet
and I can’t get it right
the personality
the ****** expressions
the life
I can’t get it right
maybe I never will

Pouring water from a glass
That was never full
Beautiful dangers lie
In what’s impossible
Lovely like lighting
Or a rainbow

Let me apologize

for the way I loved you

and the way it came crashing down

When you’re sad
they notice
they comfort them
When your world comes crashing down
they’re there
at your side
When your minds violate
they hold you, gently
and don’t say a word
When you make a mistake
they don’t scream
they simply help you fix it
When you’re gone
they miss you

I felt happy
for the first time
in a long time
I was at best buddies
frosting cookies
talking
then suddenly
I realized I felt happy
happy is a language between strangers
happy is singing songs
out of tune and not caring
happy is knowing
that you’re loved
happy is the unexpected
you cannot set a trap for it

fire scorches
but the reward it brings
outweighs the danger
fire is no stranger
it has been privy
to many conversations
as well as dangers
no one knows of the burden it carries
burning itself
to warm others

Kindergarten
I’m outgoing
with one treacherous friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 1, 2 and 3
I fall in love
have a few friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 4, 5, and 6
I am foolish
outside of academics
and my social life falls apart
and I am alone

Middle school 7th grade
I am unsure about love
and confess to it
ending in humiliation
and I am alone

I was never designed to be alone
but here, in 8th grade, I am
and will always be alone

Your smile
your laugh
you’re not the person I knew
that person was a lie
created be ambivalence
and nïavity
a stupid girl
who was never I love with you

It’s not your job but it’s nice
Just because it’s not your job
Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it

the trees are reaching
clawing for you
ready to embrace
trees whisper their welcome
trees whisper your worth
they can’t wait until you’re theirs
in their clutching arms
the waiting is killing them
burning their very soul
ebbing at their patience
taking its deadly toll
you know you want to come
to this quiet place  
where dreams run wild
possibilities are pondered
and tomorrow seems way off yonder
so come
they’re waiting for you

I see the strange
beautiful, and delicate things
they are in every day life
the way branches sift and shutter
waving in harmony
how that man is smiling
when he talks to his students
the laugh lines around his mouth and eyes
turning up with his lips
the way the bags under that girls eyes
look permeant and set
the world is an orchestra
and I have only seen
a few measures

One day they’ll
see me
on the podiums
by chance
one day they’ll
see me doing
my own dance
and one day
I’ll believe in the stars
but today’s not that

I used to let the rich red flowers that sprout every month
dominate my garden
I couldn't- wouldn’t- undergo the embarrassment
of digging shears out of by bag  
And dragging them into the bathroom with me.
I couldn’t bear to leave the clippings in there,
perhaps I wouldn’t.
I wonder who made me ashamed of this red garden.
I wonder why they find it so thorny,
when these are not roses,
but tulips

You reflect
and    
        D
                   R
                            I
           F
                      T
                                                                ­                  n
                                                       i      ­   b
                                                               ­             a               o
                                                     With ariel  r                       ws  so wispy
                                                     almost spectral in nature


                  But shadows swirl in you as well,
                  darkness within light.
                  tiny little rainbows
                  scatter out of sight


Fill up the sky
with your flight
Up up up
don’t look back

                                    Up up up
                                    till the pressure
                                    makes you crack

the hero
I know
may not know recognition
or fame
they may be poor
or lonely and lost
yet they still bend down
to help the ones in need'
my hero
has never stood taller

My friend told me
the death brings life meaning
and I told her
that’s why we hustle for the win
because every one might be our last

Two worlds collided on December 20th
two worlds that were separate
and supposed to stay that way
they met
they didn’t scream
or explode
but I still couldn’t breath
while the had a conversation
about the school system

Tell me about the worst days

So I show you my ****** hands
and bound legs

I show you the maggots in my skeleton
and the pins in my hands

I show you the patches in my head
and the bumps down my back

You pretend not to notice the decaying nature of me,
pretend not to see my slow acting killer.

and are surprise when I tell you that the maggots java burrowed into my hips

the owl watches
quiet
a sentinel  
its eyes
flashlights in the darkness
its wings
its feathery cloak
its talons
the weapon of choice

The sun beat down
on a land of plenty
but storms came
scarring the landscape
and burning the life away
disorder rained as king
with the new king
came numbness so deep
that not even the birds sang

Lost in my head
I run the maze
Shadows lurk
Avoid their gaze
Turn left of right
It doesn’t care
It will take you anywhere
Find the key
And hold on tight
You might not have it after tonight
In the morning you awake
Run the same maze
The demons can not wait

Whenever you don’t text back
I’m afraid
I stare at my phone
until it yields an answer
waiting for a ping

When you aren’t on the bus
I stare at your spot
as if you’ll appear

Even when I know
you’ve moved on
I comb the hallways for you
searching for the infamous smile
that I’ve learned to love

still you are my lovely disadvantaged
my anam cara
my problematic emotion
you were amazing

I must forget
forget the smile
the texts
late at night
forget the brush of your
skin against mine
and the hugs
I didn’t want to end

You are my lovely disadvantage

The truth was in my eyes
the whole time
all you had to do was look

I cannot help
A drowning person
Who refuses to be saved
I cannot change
The way wind blows
Within a hurricane
I cannot
Make dead flowers come alive again
I cannot
Quiet every voice in my head
Accept these things
and you will see
I am flaws
with good intentions

When the out of order is in order
it is a hard feeling to place
The chips are all mixed up inside
But the machine can still dispense

The out of order sign belongs on me
but yet by some mystery
no one has even checked so see if they can get chips

just let me suffer alone
I’ve done it before
I’ll sit all alone on the bathroom floor,
I’ll leave all the doors closed.

I don’t want to be seen,
on the fourth day of no shower
I don’t to be seen
when I can’t move or scream

I do not want you to worry
don’t bother to check in
I’ll be a mess that belongs in the bin
do keep your eyes of me, keep your eyes blurry

So leave your worry here and leave
but please do not grieve
you do all you can
but in the end it was my hand

The first truth in a long time
Always feels a little stale
on your tongue and breath
You must ask yourself
Is it refreshing
Or repulsive
For that will show
your loyalty

Weeping silently
between sobs I write an email,
which I will never send
it will grow old in the pile of drafts
that grows everyday
all to the same person,
who will continue
to ask me why
I don’t send him emails
an I will never have the right answer
maybe I’m scared
of judgment
but he will continue to ask

I’m skinner than before
and still
I can’t glance in the mirror
and still
I can’t wear tight clothing
and still
I glance at my stomach
and still
I can’t eat lunch somedays
and still
my thighs bother me
and still......

There are words
Sentences
Maybe paragraphs
That I wanted to scream
But I kept my mouth shut
And said ok
Because anything more
would mean tears

I swallow my med
like one uses a lifesaver,
with desperation

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine

the people around me are somber,
the world is gray,
I am lively

you make me happy
when skies are gray

I drop the pill back in the organizer
the first of many to remain in that box

I learn to create my own sunshine

You hold out a flower to me and show me its intricacies, its petal, its every seam.
Then you ask if I could live with myself if I squished, because you couldn't,  you say
I tell you most days I already don’t live with myself,
I am just waking up and waiting to fall asleep
Or in bed waiting for the morning,
counting the intricacies of the wall.
I tell you that my head already doesn’t live with me, it lives leagues deeper,
much deeper in the petals of my flower.
And when I show you my back with all the seams,
the places where the stem meets the petals, and they stitch together unwillingly.
I tell you, the world has already smashed me,
It seems to have no problem living with it.

Barren wastelands
of plastic
cursed with eternal life
towers of humanities junk
showing us
what defines a people

What if we all wrote
with reckless abandon
reveling in mistakes
not watching punctuation
or spelling
writing every word
in our souls
till all was right
what if....
we didn’t wait

It is cold
but everyone’s cold
struggling with
their prime drug
wether that be
love or fame
success or failure
illness or health
yessir we all have one
even if  we can’t admit it
and mine is multifaceted
wow I’m still only thirteen

memories I cannot understand
with emtions lost to time
perfectly hidden
in these memories
are the secret to my childhood

The code word is fine
don’t let go
hold onto me through this
don’t let me forget
my humanity
my sanity
so the code word is fine
don’t lose our memories
don’t say I’m crazy
you’re breaking the trust
I’m sorry
I’m still just a little girl
with broken memories

I hope that everyone
that love me and holds me close
knows when to let go

People who are malicious
are an enigma
that I want to solve
why do they act out?
low self esteem?
family problems?
what made them this way?
their mind?
their family?
I wan to solve the puzzle
so that I can help them and the victims

Love is all trust falls and trapeze for some

We put our affection on display in the air
in hopes that people will clap when we catch each other
from the deadly fall below.

I wonder sometimes what happens to the partners that fall

Often partners fall from the slip of a hand
We call it an accident, no one's fault
and sometimes it is

Love could also just be a simple walk through the garden
But perhaps I enjoy the show of trust falls and trapeze
as dangerous as it is

Her mouth is a smile
But her eyes are empty
She says she’s fine
But her eyes plead
She has a brave face
But she looks away
The eyes can never deceive

Let me take
Your sorrows
Your worries
Let me transform them into
Something comprehensible
Something magical
Let me ease
The pain
The anxiety
The hardship
Let me write poetry

Is 102 poems since September too many?
am I prolific
or so insane I need the poems?
in September I called poems a drug
I may have been exactly right