Is it loyalty,
I wonder,
to craft you
into every corner of my world?
To fill my home
with your shadow,
even though you wander far…
perhaps with someone else?
I opened Shein,
and I spent hours
designing every piece I could,
placing your image on it:
the blanket I wrap myself in alone,
the pillows I hug
when the world crushes me,
the mug I sip my green tea from,
the Locket necklaces,
the candlesticks,
the LED lights,
the rose-gold and
white crystal engraved necklaces…
I crafted everything myself,
and I do not own a single thing yet…
All I have done is place the order,
and now I wait for them to arrive,
while my heart screams your name
in the silence of the empty room….

Not just for loyalty…
But to satisfy my vanity,
to feed my desperate need for you,
for your gaze
to follow me in every corner,
your smile perhaps…
perhaps just for me,
because I am me…
because I crave you
obsessively and
sickly…
I wear all the necklaces
engraved with your image
in my imagination now,
as if my heart could hold you,
as if my soul could feel you near,
even though you are not here yet…

Perhaps this is not loyalty
in the traditional sense,
and perhaps the world
will never know of this love,
of these acts of devotion
unseen by anyone,
of this beautiful torment
that fills me
and kills me at the same time…
I want to see you
in every corner of the house,
in the living room,
the bedroom,
the kitchen…
on the walls,
the tables,
the shelves,
in every thought
hidden in my mind
that no one else can see…
I want you to always smile at me,
to be present even in your absence,
to fill the void that cannot heal…

Perhaps
there is nothing else
I can do but wait…
wait in silence,
in aching patience,
trying to make you a home,
to make your love a warmth
that fills my life,
that makes me feel loyal,
even if the world thinks
I am lost,
useless,
soulless…

Wind gnaws at the cliffs,
breaking stone to grains of dust,
mountains lose their shape.

Dust is swept downstream,
drifting past the river’s edge,
soft hands carve through stone.

River splits the earth,
pulling roots from loosened ground,
trees bow, then descend.

Leaves drown in the waves,
fading under briny hush,
light slips into blue.

Foam dissolves to mist,
rising toward the silent peaks,
snow begins to bloom.

Cold weighs on the rock,
frost unthreads the mountain’s bones,
wind gnaws at the cliffs.

A flower,
Forced to be bloom.
It opens its petals too soon,
Everyone loved,satisfied,
But soon,
Left it alone in the gloom.