I'm afraid of myself because of what I might do
I am afraid of myself because of what I can't have
I am afraid of how I will do
And how I will do it too
*I am afraid of everything
I just won't let you see

I open my eyes, for what I anticipated to be a brief moment
But I find myself standing in the middle of a puddle
About 5 inches deep and I'm bare foot
How did I get here?

I don't know who's clothes I'm wearing
I don't recognize the street in which I'm standing
Not a soul in sight.
Stranded in the middle of a big city
And it's some time between 10 and 3 o'clock
All I know is that it's dark and these street lights light up a way

I could take this path that's lit for me ahead
But I don't know where it leads
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll go back to where I came from
Where do I belong?

Your silence had me running
Fearing I may find an abandoned apartment when I reached your address.
Flashing images of our nights in your kitchen,
Our passionate moments on your counters and against your furnishings,
Our bare feet caressing each other,
Our ideas floating through the air,
Your hands holding me so tight,
The way you love to make me laugh and play your little games with my mind like children,
Your playful touch across my skin,
Your eyes as you watch me gaze off into that place that I often visit in my mind. But I still see you....
I was afraid to find you gone

I reached your doorstep
My hair drenched from the rain
My breath heavy
My nose wet and cold,
Hands shaking, finding the most difficulty knocking on your door
Which sounded more like pounding...
Hardly moments went by and you opened.
I leaped into your arms and wept
You stood there, warm as I had ever felt,
Stronger than I ever realized I admired so much
You asked about my troubles and I could not speak...
I had so much courage to run here and beg you to stay,
Convince you that I need you with me,
I thought of scenarios to try and make you believe that leaving would be the worst mistake...
But now that I face you, I am weak. I am voiceless.
I crave to never let you go and tell you how much I want you here, but I can't.
I know that you leaving means a better life for yourself
And that holding you back would be the most selfish act,
And that you would never forgive me for it.
But most of all, I fear that if I confessed all of my troubled mind to you- you would still decide to leave. And in facing that, I may just come apart and never recover.

I had nothing to lose
Till I met you
I have everything to lose

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Dear Distance,

*******.
I'm writing this to you
at 4:30 in the morning
and because of you,
I'm am currently
115 ******* miles away
from the person
I lie awake missing
every ******* night.
Because of you,
when I get lonely
and a hug is all I need
I'm stuck cuddling
a ******* pillow.

But also, thank you.
For teaching me
how to be patient
and showing me that
I can, in fact,
function alone.
Thank you for
making me grateful
and appreciative,
for taking away
what I have
to show me how much
I really do care.
Because of you,
It means much more
whenever I say
"I miss you."

Without wax,
Someone Whose Heart Aches

*P.S. *******.

I hate it.
I hate how you assume I'm okay.
You think that the lack of loud words pouring from my chapped lips means that all is well within my iron mind.
You haven't been paying attention to the story I have painted across lines, numbers, and years that pass by.
You haven't been paying attention to my crumbling, marble legs, or my withering, painted-on smile.
You haven't noticed the torn, tissue paper heart within the glass cavity that is my chest.
Whether I'm quiet or shattering the silence with my anguished screaming, you never seem to notice.
I hate that.