my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.

I hate you
But these kisses
They tell a different story

You are a stone tablet
You are a cold, washed thing
You have fear in your eyes
And the light that shines from you is cold, alone, all over

I cannot connect the things that will not be
I cannot communicate fake things
I will take communion from flowers, asking you to be the petals

We are forgetting the nature of love,
Fogetting that it is mistakes and pain that makes happiness at the end of it
That joy and suffering are karmic and designed
Do not give up on these things

When I can reach no longer for you my heart will pang
The sadness of giving up on a soul that doesn't deserve it
A wanting to give God's incarnations the love he gave me
She will not take it

I do not want these feelings to be the only thing I know, but the fear I feel with you is making it difficult

Please don't play me, I have walked a thousand lifetimes of it and I don't need any more.

i am flying free
from your suffocating grasp
finally free at last

I play with the switch‬
‪turns the light on and off‬,
‪The shine; my soul‬