If I could stop time, I would,
right here, right now,
and wander this cold,
starry night.
I’d sit on a ledge
and ponder the end
before walking away
because I remembered.
I’d dip a toe in chilly waves
and try to keep demons at bay
as they try to drown me.
I’d head back home
to be safe and warm,
and remember that I don’t have
a home,
just a house with strangers
sleeping inside;
I don’t know my own life
anymore.
I’d look at the clock,
stuck at half past the dark 3 —
sigh,
and let time slide its way
through my skin
to drown me in
sorrow, regret, and anxiety.

Memories flicker in my mind,
fireflies always escaping my grasp.

I try to catch them,
keep them in a jar,

But they escape,
leaving me lost and alone.

What are you doing
back in front of me
With shards of glass in your chest -
You wait for me to pull them out,
And tell you that you’ll be okay,
But I don’t know that I can still help you
If all you’ll do is push me away.

I miss kisses.
I miss the gentle meld of our body heat,
Soft sighs in the dark.
I miss late whispers
and hugs that make me forget.
I miss the laughs,
And casual word trade.
I miss your presence,
never an empty space.
I miss kissing you,
and forgetting everything else.

The tide has come,
Stained with blood,
Filling my lungs
With fear.
I’ve stopped swimming,
And now I float -
I can taste rust
In the water’s murky flavor.
My arm stings,
Yet I still want more,
The blade gleams at me
From the sea floor.
I wish I could cry,
But the ocean takes
My tears away
So that I only drown faster.

Everything hurts, but
I have no bruises,
no leaking wounds.
The torment
lies
inside,
a persistent infection.
It grew bored
of letting me hide,
and the tide has dragged me
so
far
down.
I almost feel like
this time,
I might really drown.

I’m ok for now
But I can’t stop fearing the worst
Can’t stop watching the horizon
For the crushing wave -
This is too good,
And I know that it’ll end eventually.

If I could relive a moment of my life, I would pick a Tuesday
in my senior year of high school.
I would hug all my friends,
and walk through the halls with confidence,
and give my boyfriend a good long kiss.
After school, during fencing,
I would treasure a moment
with a friend now gone,
and when I got home,
I would help cook dinner
and give my parents a hug.

I would call all my grandparents,
and actually do my homework,
and cuddle with my cat,
and just enjoy being
17 again,
before everything changed forever.

So this is what finally tips
the saltwater bucket,
sends the rivers down my cheeks-
Home cannot be home without you here,
and I wish you didn’t have to go.

My existence flickers,
but only in my own mind-
I seem to be forgetting reality,
and the memories I've captured
are finding ways to escape the jar.
I chase them through the dew-speckled fields,
but they deceive me every time.

And sometimes I stop,
and fling myself to the ground -
roll to face the stars,
and nearly drown in my own tears,
and ask

"Why?"

The excited shout of a “Happy birthday!”
is my reminder that someone still thinks about me.

I’m watching that first big wave looming closer and closer.

A single tear slips down my face.

It’s coming.

I feel the cold waves lapping at my feet,
whispering dark words in the night -
The waves are slowly rising to drown my soul again.
The cold will leave me numb,
and the drowning will leave my lungs on fire.
It won’t be long before I’m sinking again.

The infection is returning,
seeping into my blood—
soon I will be a creature
of shadows and tears.

At first the
blade’s slice is slow,
But I quickly realize
that it’s much better
to make quick strikes
across my skin.
I lose myself
in the sound it makes,
the satisfaction of each
red line.
I suddenly cap the blade
and toss it away
and let the tears roll down my face.
What have I become?
I hate myself.

I can’t
breathe.

If I do,
I’ll leak
and drown
in my pain.

You put the smile back
onto my face,
the warmth back
into my heart,
the life back
into my world.

I can't stop remembering
the night
my innocence was devoured
by pressure -
I wasn't ready,
but I let him in anyway.

You surprise me
with things that
no one else has ever done -
You're a fresh thought, a kindred spirit,
someone I know I am safe with.

Would you hate me
if you knew
how I've been leaping
from heart to heart
like stones in a pond -
they all crumbled under my weight
and left me to drown.

The smell
of you
lingers
in my nose,
Your warmth
had stained
my heart—
I cannot wait
to be near you
again.

Tonight I wish to dance
with the shadow,
and let him sweep me off my feet;
I wish to let blood stain my wrist
and moonlight pierce my iris
As I embrace the ebony warmth
of my enemy.
I will let the dark feathered wings
sprout from my spine
and lift me away into the stars
To dance only the darkest dance,

and in the morning I will be light again.

You tend to me
in a way
no one else has before,
letting me grow
anew.

You see beauty in me,
a torn flower?
One of us is surely blind.

You put the static back into my body -
the kind that gives me life.
Holding your hand
was such a comfort,
and I didn't want it to end.

I need to stop
digging up love
And let it grow instead

The nice thing about being free
is that I can give other hearts
a chance.
Maybe this one will stay.

I should delete the poems
I wrote for you -
But they’re too beautiful,
too painfully true.

It hurts to see your name,
and know how quickly you cut me off -
but I suppose it allows me to move on
and find my happiness elsewhere.

"Love will come when it comes,"
but what if I need it now?

I'm so tired of being left alone.

A small lie
has torn us apart,
broken my heart,
and left me in the dark
again.

I am so sad
and so scared
but I can't let you see,
so I put on a brave face
and a calm voice,
and I guide you through the pain.

You keep cutting deeper and deeper -
but don't you remember what you told me?
"Every time you hurt
yourself,
it hurts me, too."
Your cuts leave scars on your skin
and my heart.
I wish we could both learn
how to stop.

I’ll meet you in Dreamland,
my love,
Where distance does not matter
and time does not exist -
We may lay in field
of fragrant flowers,
entwined together for hours and hours,
Forgetting the pain of
the world outside our eyelids
So that we may enjoy
the warmth of our hearts.

With you in my heart,
I can do everything
I used to fear.

I think my heart will burst,
as it is so full of love for you.
I think I may float past the clouds,
as I feel so light and free with you.
I think my soul has never been safer
as it is now here with you.
I think that I have never truly loved
as much as I do you.

We are magnets,
but we are too far away
to click.

You're in love with a brewing storm,
ready to burst into hot droplets
and scatter lightning in every direction,
unable to control the strikes.

Why do I suddenly just
want to die?
Why do I feel
like I'm 20 feet underwater,
letting myself sink,
with my tears fading into the sea?

Gentle melancholy blankets my heart,
sharing a space with the swell of love -
somehow, they mingle well,
like yin and yang.

I've been sitting in darkness for a while,
but you've brought me back to light -
I feel like I'm floating free,
and it is such a relief.

We spoke our hearts last night,
and, ah, you're so gentle and patient.
But how much will that be tested
by my own hidden storm?
I don't want it to drive you away,
nor from guilt should you stay,
I only want the truth today-
Is this love strong enough to withstand
my war?

Was last night real,
an exchange of fondness?
Or was my imagination
up to no good?
Did my heart really swell
right out of my chest?
Or did I go to sleep
with tears again?
Did you really say those three words,
over and over and over again?
Or am I finally crazy enough
to see false things?

Why can't I trust my own memory?

I worry about forgetting -
my memories aren’t sharp
like they should be,
everything is out of focus.
I can barely see what happened
one,
two,
three years ago-
My past doesn’t feel like mine.
I am losing my history.

It’s yellow outside
like the sun just died,
and faded to mist.
It’s eerie and and ominous,
a small warning, perhaps,
to stay indoors tonight?
I think I can smell lightning
in the air, silently hiding,
and ready to crash down on us all.

I’m ready for fall.
I’m ready for
My leather jacket,
which I wear like a second skin;
My fingerless gloves,
somehow both practical and not;
My trusty boots, clomping fearlessly through any weather;
Flannel every day, a timeless pattern;
A bitter breeze balanced by a lemon sun to make the perfect temperature.
I’m ready to watch the leaves turn to flames and dance through the neighborhoods,
I’m ready to smell the cider and pumpkin in every store.
I’m ready to start planning a disguise, to hide from the Hallow’s spirits.

I’m ready for fall,
the best season of all.

I can feel the sadness sitting in my chest, lapping against my ribcage like an agitated ocean. The tide is rising. I’ll have to fight to survive today. I wish the ocean would just stay calm, that warm waters could be all that flow through my veins. Instead, I feel like a broken faucet - spouting hot water one moment and cold water the next.

A storm stuck me today,
and you were the sunshine that
drove it away.

I
can't
stand
this
torture
anymore-
my heart is trapped in an iron maiden,
bleeding out more and more,
I can barely breathe
through this pain.

Why don't I just
explode
already?

My cheeks are still warm
from the blush you left me,
and I can’t get your smile
out of my head
(Not that I’d want to)
I worry that I’m falling too fast,
but my heart is a force to be reckoned with,
And it’s set a course to you.