Anxiety wraps
itself around me,

like a coat that
doesn’t fit me

like a lover that
doesn’t love me

like a fire that
doesn’t warm me

I find very little encouragement
to live my life these days,
it used to be different when I was ten.

I remember walking down this street
humming and skipping in full joy,
Like I had the juiciest fruit in all of the world
and that fruit held secrets,
carrying more than just sweetness,
It was big, golden and shiny
I think that fruit was my heart,
It was always so full.
Almost overflowing
with sickening sweetness,
exasperating energy
and a sticky smile that was always there.

I would dance around, walk fast then slow
I would roll around, talk so loud then low.
It sickens me now.
Why was I like that ages ago?
What made me so excited about life?
To wake up every day and just....live?

It sickens me even more
That I can't have that again.
It also confuses me
because what is human life
if not a change after change after change?

⚊  

everyday i wake up and i’m reminded -
people will never be there like they said they would,
you can’t make someone understand;
you can’t make anyone care.

it doesn’t matter what you’re facing,
it doesn’t matter how many times you warn people.
as soon as you need more than you can give,
everyone’s opinions change.
if it’s not about them -
no one's listening.

it doesn’t matter -
if you paint your fears on the walls.
it doesn't matter -
if you claw for support on chalkboards.

you could say you had a plan,
unleash all the demons.
you could try to beg,
you could try to plead,
doesn't matter.

it'll never matter.
you'll never matter.

you can’t make someone understand;
you can’t make anyone care.

i wonder what i would’ve been like
if i learned to love myself
instead of being taught to break down every little atom and put it on display
just to be torn apart

☼

i guess ive always had a thing for fire
standing too close -
letting the smoke suffocate me,
the smell latch onto me.
i know i might burn,
but it’s where i want to be -

ignited by all of this desire inside of me

i wish i could create something that would make you proud
anything good enough

but i know nothing could ever be good enough for you

i learned it from you first
i will never be good enough
not for anyone
and never myself

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Exaggerating just to feel something.
Anything, anything -
everything.

I don't want to be just another crack in your ceiling - another unresolved feeling.
Let's just stay a little bit longer -

The smoke. The water. The light.
I'm slipping through every little bit of you.

Can I be your everything, everything,
anything?



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.　　. 　 ˚　.　. 　 ˚　.　　 . ✦