This is how it starts.
You stub your finger
and there's
a little hole,
a little entry
way under your nail.

He finds it.
That weak spot
and he slithers in.
He claws his way
through your fingertips.

You see his face and
remember how
greasy it was under
your skin.
You see his bowl cut
you see his lips
you see his eyes
you hear his voice.
And you can't
help but smile
because you don't
understand why
you would ever
be so stuck on
everything he did.
He is no longer
the glue that
sticks you to a
chair.

He asks to have
your arms around
his waist and you
just imagine him
with his hands
around your neck.
You don't cry this
time.
You have a name for
this demon.
You have a stupid hair
cut and a stupid face
for this monster.

His voice isn't
near as mesmerising.
And the wind blows
his scent on you and
you try hard not to
cough.

He does not control
you. Giggle as you feel
the freedom flow through
you like morphine.

I made a monster
out of just a man.
He was my lover
my man.
He was my demon.

I was a ball of clay
for his hands to
mold. To mold my
innocence.
I was his clay
monster to make.
I was his halo to break.

But with the venomous
teeth he gave me,
I bit my creator.
I bit my  teacher.
I bit the hand that fed me.

He made me small.
To cradle in his arms.
He made me weak.
To break in his hands.
He made me small.
to make loving me easier.

He’s taller than I remember.
His shoulders are wider than
I remember.
His face is rounder than
I remember.

I remember his hands.
how scared they were.
I remember his eyes,
How they looked like
red velvet cake.
I remember how my
skin grayed.
How my eyes dulled.
How my hair grew
thin.
I remember how he
changed me.

As a clay ball I
dryed and I stopped
being some beautiful
creature.
He bit me back
with his bigger fangs
and arsenic poison.
I never got used to the
stain. I never built up
a tolerance to you burning
me.
You poked hole in my skin.
So I wouldn’t break when
you put me under heat.

I could feel how you
were baking me.
Perfecting me.
Keeping me forever.

So I screamed. I broke
free with the wings
you mistakenly gave me.
I refused to be
your monster. And you
refused to be my man.
My venom built you into
a demon.

And like a dove I left you.
You may of found
pleasure in the
breakdown of my DNA.

But I was ashamed
of the monster I made.

He is the air I breathe
Everything I see
Everything I feel
Everything I smell
He is inside my skin
He is rotting in my bones.
And I can feel him giving me
Leukemia.
He is an Intracerebral
Hemorrhage making
me go blind and
see blood when
I close my eyes.
Which is why
I’m always confused
and drowsy.  
It would explain my headaches
and seizures.
It would explain my
comas trapped inside
my mind still trapped in his grip.

His hollow eyes
and sunken cheeks
How skinny his face
Is. How he’s the
only thing that
scares me anymore.
Because when he
pulled me out of class
when he pulled me out
of my head. He took
whatever freedom I
had gained. He kept
me trapped inside a cage.

But I’ve begun to think.
Maybe I too am
poisonous. Maybe I
too rot inside of
peoples minds giving
them all four types of Intracranial
Hemorrhages.
Maybe I too make
people go blind at the
thought of my proximity.

And I wonder
what damage he’s
experiencing.

there's something to be said about love
and how it can make you feel like
you're flying
or
burning alive.

One of these
days I'll forget
how your name
numbs my tongue.

But not today.
Today your name
is hot poisonous
gas trapped in
my ribcage.
Today you
are steam burning
my throat
screaming
"Oh god!"
"Oh god!"
"Oh god!:
because you
are going to
be my
shadow again.

You are going to
be everywhere
again.

I keep
having these
flashbacks
of when I
was choking
on my words
as you held me
down.
Of when
he held up
the camera
and you bent
me over the
couch and
You both
laughed as
I giggled and
whispered "stop please"
instead of screaming
because my mother
was upstairs.
When me saying
"I'm done. No seriously
stop."
turning into your wicked
grins in your rotc
uniforms
pointing at your badges
"we're higher ranked
than you. You aren't
done yet." and that...
******* camera.

Always threatening
to **** yourself
when I did "wrong".
Always threatening-
Always
threatening me.

I was your puppet
and when
I spoke for myself.
another threat.
I got rid of you.
But you dug a hole
under my skin and
crawled right back in.
Shot me in the head
and like a maggot
crawled into my
Broca's area
controlling what I
said.

It got worse.
You were *******
other girls.
I got rid of
you again.
You acted like
we were wolves.
But I heard they
mate for life.
I heard they're loyal.

You my sweet,
are just a worm.

Saying you love me
promising you love
me.
And then texting another
girl the same thing
as you're whispering it
into my ear.

I pushed.
I pushed.
I pushed.
You were a
concrete wall.
A snapped spinal
cord between a
paralyzed man
and using his legs again.
The emphysema
that keeps a
person from breathing.
You were a disease.

And just like brain cancer
you deteriorated me
and controlled me.

For 2 months
you were everywhere.
For 2 months you
were always the
ghost around the
next corner.
You followed me...
Everywhere.
Showing up outside
my house to walk me
to school.
Showing up outside
my classes to tell me
you loved me and hated
me at the same time.

Every time I pushed,
you threatened.
Always another suicide
attempt as I tried to
get out of the grave
you put me in.
You kept throwing dirt
on me and saying "I can
finally breathe!"

I remember that one day,
your hands were ******.
Glass was everywhere.
Your pocket rattled.
My name engraved on
your thigh.
"Janna this blood
is your fault" as it
ran down your leg.
You stuffed pills
into your mouth,
pushed me away
as I screamed
and clawed at your
throat trying to
get them out.

Next time.
More blood,
less pills,
but you were
dizzy, delirious,
saying you love
me, saying goodbye,
throwing up, saying
goodbye, resisting my help,
your hands looked miles away
which is probably why
for once you didn't touch me.

It's taken me
2 months
to realize the
leaves moving
behind me weren't
you running for me.
2 months to realize
the person behind me
isn't going to capture
me and keep me locked up.

You're back from the
mental asylum.
And just the thought
of your brown eyes
breaks down what ever
recovery I built up.

You are an atomic bomb.
And I'm not sure there's
ever going to be a day
where I don't tremble
at the thought of you.
  And if there is, then
  it is not today.

I'm just another note, in your symphony.
Grab me by my throat, have me trembling on my knees.
You're just a chain smoker,
I'm a Pack of Cigarettes.
I cross the line & lean over, nothing I regret.
.
You tighten the strings, make another sound.
Play a rhythm, and just keep smoking around.
And with every noise, your eyes they shine brighter.
Cause the only hand you need is the one with the lighter.
.
Now your buds are on the ground.
You wonder what went wrong?
Your chords were right, & so was the tone.
.
I knew karma, couldn't harm her.
But, this time it's going down.
Cause what goes around...
...must come back around.
- **Aks, Chainsmokers & Symphonies.

Here is a young boy,
His heart has been crushed,
His innocence has already been stolen,
By the gun in his hands.

Here is a teenager,
Death a normality,
Trusting only in hate,
For those he once loved.

Here is a young man,
Believing in revenge,
For a crime he never saw,
Against someone he never knew.

Here is a father,
"Protecting" his daughter,
Showing her the path he chose,
Putting her finger on the trigger.

Here is an old man,
Regretting his life,
Hating himself for all he did,
But all too late.

Now here is a young girl,
Who lives far away,
Who doesn't understand,
But knows she is hated.

People avoid her,
Afraid? Or unsure?
The garment on her head,
Fills her with shame.

This girl never touched a gun.

The boy did not know what he was doing.

His daughter doesn't want to ****.

But it is too late now,
Society has grasped a concept,
And it's claws dig deep,
It won't let go.