empty seas

empty seas Nov 2018

i can’t do this
i’m not good enough
i can’t control my own actions recently
obsessively checking and checking
to see if someone is talking about me behind my back

i ate close to 4 meals today
i just ate and ate and even when i was full
i couldn’t stop
even now my stomach yells at me
so full yet so hungry
and the whispers say just throw up
but i’m still too cowardly to try

i can’t stop shaking
if not my hands, my legs
if not my legs, my teeth
at one point i could feel my brain inside my skull
everything is uncomfortable and hurts
so, so much

i am a failure
i am a failure
and i need to drill it though my
rotting brain
before self confidence comes again
i can’t do anything
i can’t practice for a state competition
i can’t study for the ACT
i can’t even keep myself from tearing
the inside of my cheek apart
in an attempt to stay calm
i’m rotting

i am falling apart

i can’t do this
i’m not good enough
i am a failure

#failure #anxiety #stress #falling #apart #corpsepoems

empty seas Nov 2018

desperation paints such a pretty person of me

i’m trying hard
to keep it together
desperation is my middle name
restless nights
and hopeless days
i can’t do enough
can’t be enough
to keep up this juggling act
everything is falling apart so spectacularly
a fire of blues and reds and purples
one that only i can see

so i play a little game with myself
let’s see how well i can pretend everything is okay
i’ve gotten good at it recently
as my plans for my future start to crumble in my palms
i can still feign interest over a friend’s passing fling
i’ve even been able to pretend
my self esteem is going up
accepting compliments
even convincing myself i’m not a failure
it’s laughable, really
a ******* like me,
who can’t even keep
her life from falling apart,
finally loving herself?
not gonna happen

so i laugh
and sit
and watch
as everything falls apart

Wowee everything has not been good recently, and someone has made it worse, but I cant let it show bc I’m basically the therapist of the group
I’m supposed to be the emotionally stable one, the one you can always ask for advice or help in school work and I don’t know how long I can keep up this facade of being okay

#desperate #anxiety #self #hate

empty seas Nov 2018

i’ll never be good enough

i failed again
i couldn’t make myself work
i’m supposed to be good at things
i’m too lazy for anything, though
i am a failure
everything i touch crumbles
everyone i love leaves
i can’t even muster enough motivation
to practice for the upcoming competition
or work on securing my future
i’m awful
why can’t i ******* do things

god im a failure at everything I’m so ******* lazy

#anxiety #lazy #failure

empty seas Nov 2018

when burns heal, do not forget their pain

the fire whispered apologizes in her ear
begging for her embrace once again
she began to waver
just a tad
but then she looked around
at the fire’s history all around them
she saw the destruction, the hate, the lies
and suddenly she remembered
the healing burns
on her skin
her resolve hardened
she would not excuse the pain
fire does not regret what it hurts
it only begs for more to burn

bad metaphors? bad metaphors

#fire #metaphor #hurt #forgiveness #manipulation

empty seas Nov 2018

people will hate what they are told to hate

some people hate me
that fact pushes down on my chest
chokes me
it’s an excuse for my anxiety to creep in
it’s a simple fact that threatens to destroy
my fragile self-love
however
i cannot change that fact
some people i will never meet will think of my name and disgust will paint their face
some people will only know the worst of me, the person i have sought to change
some people i have met will dislike me
for no other reason than that i was annoying to them
and there’s nothing i can do about that
so when the hate tries to consume me
i just have to let go

in some places my name has been slandered even though i don’t know anyone and it’s a terrifying thought, but that does not make me or the people who believe that bad people
it does not make me worthless or awful

#anxiety #strangers #hate #lies

empty seas Nov 2018

i am stronger than you and i think

the anxiety was like hooks in my body
digging into the edges of my organs
cramming everything to the sides
and leaving a gaping emptiness behind
it was all day, consuming me

i feel like that again, sometimes
my organs shift inside my body
my bones begin to ache
and the only solution seems to be
to open my skin and set everything right
to hurt

but i stop myself
i stop myself
and again, i realize
i can handle my own pain
i can handle my own anxiety

i've finally started taking care of myself
i've finally gotten rid of the toxicity in my life
and sometimes my lungs still feel like ten-pound weights
and sometimes it still seems almost easier to tear into my skin
but i don't
i fight through it
and although somedays feel impossible
i fight for my future
i fight against my own anxiety and fears
i fight against what other people have told me
i fight for myself
because i deserve to be happy and loved
and that's a long battle, indeed
and to make this happen

i will never ******* give up

#anxiety #strong #determined

empty seas Nov 2018

i want to feel the waves on my skin again

the ocean
it calls
reaching out with invisible fingers
beckoning me
saying
come, child of mine
to the place you were meant to be
the place you've always yearned for
the only place you'll ever feel at peace
i am its long lost child
briefly returned but never for long enough
and it calls for me to return forever

my child, it says
you have only glimpsed your future
place your life in my hands
i will guide you
you will be okay

i comply
i will be okay

the wanting gets worse somedays, like the feeling is consuming me, and all i want to do is sit and let the waves crash over me

#ocean #want #nature