I recognize the girl's yellow dress and red shoes, she crosses her ankles and nods to the black iron chair across from her
So I sit, at a cafe table in the middle of nowhere, the only sound the whipping of wind over the dusty plain
She frowns, ***** blonde curls shifting uneasily
You have to stop trying to **** me she pleads
And I protest
That I have never hurt anyone
But it is no use because she is gone as quick as she came and I am back in my bedroom and she did not state it as a question anyway
And it is true, I finally understand
I am what she says
For when has my life not revolved around her death?
Starving her into weightlessness
Slapping masks on her face, be perfect, I said and in no way let being perfect for herself be enough
Even as a little girl, I knew how hard it was to exist for yourself
And now here I am, fantasizing her suicide
A murderer thousands of times over in thoughts
For it has always, always been about erasing her from this place
Why have you never loved me?
She whispers from inside my heart
I never realized, I try to tell her
My mouth choking over words I don't have to say out loud
For there is no one else in the room
I never realized I didn't love you, I tell the girl
And I recognize her, from pictures, from the mirror
I tell myself,
I will try to make room for you here
And the sun rises, and the watercolors break to dazzle the trees with their array, and she and I, me and I, we dance through the darkness in our yellow dresses and red heels as if we know the way, as if, for the first time,
We believe we are enough
And I put my knifes away.