Once Apon a time...
I was so scared to fight back with you to simply make reason of our issues. I was afraid that you would walk away, so my tongue grew quiet and I replaced my voice that once was there with food to fill the void. My spirit became weak as you grew cold.... You left me anyway and still till this day I wake at night with tears in my eye. I still want to know why? The only conclusion I came up with was the weight gain.  I still remember those words you once said... you told me that “I get Pregnant too much” as if I was trying to trap you or that I wanted another child by you after enduring those many walks of shame for months! I’m so mad at myself for allowing you to misplace my heart like you did. I’m still searching for the pieces.

                            

*Post-Partum Blues

when it Dark at night my reading light shines bright, as i write this little poem that’s been stuck in my head. because when it’s dark at night, I reminisce about you and wonder if you’re up there dancing and trying to sing, that was definitely your thing, I was so busy being mad with you and trying my hardest to move on from the pain in  me that you caused I forgot that we almost had a chance to make this parenting thing work for our daughter. I’m so sorry my love,  Forgive me,  Time will pass but I will never be able to forget you or our love Because truthfully you made your mark in this world when we made her she is you she loves to dance and sing  yes that’s her thing,  her eyes her smile, the way she acts,  she is you my love. I wonder all the time if you are up there watching over us and early today i got a sign I seen a Dove fly over the projects. A Dove Flew over the project! I gained hope because I knew you made it,  you were OK
xoxoxo              


PS never stay mad at the people who you care about too long because one day you’re gonna close your eyes wake up and they will be gone,  and you’re going to wish they were still here

I am so sorry for ever putting you last,
cause you deserve the world.

you deserve not to be picked around,
and left to wonder
may be he will fall in love after the next kiss
on lips as soft as this

You dont deserve to be depressed
believing that your life is always coming to an end,
this is it

I am sorry for settling down to soon
switching lovers before a new full moon

due to me ending and beginning with new loves...
i apologize for stunting your growth
made it super hard understand your worth
definitely made your heart grow cold
just a little too soon

And to my heart you bleed different
i know its because of me
Im sorry i didnt show more light
my mind wanders alot keeps my judgement on a permanent night  
Cause my long time friend "Depression" my dark cloud  took up all of the room.

Dance the night away whether on your feet or in your dreams...
dance dance dance and dance
Cause life is not as bad as it may seem
for life is only but a dream

there is no other place id rather be than laid up under you kissing talking learning your ways but making luv to you now thats my favorite part... hmm
my lips pressed against yours is sweet tasting ****** and
with each stroke i can  feel your love growing inside of me sweet vitamin D sent heavenly
i never want you to leave stay your my guilty pleasure... my release  therapy
i must have you i need to taste you please stay....
in bed with me

Hurt just left feeling empty
Feelings kicked around in the dirt
I am truly angry because I remembered your name and forgot mine
And I am lonely.. maybe just out of fear but more so because I refuse to fall  for
Another chocolate man standing over 6ft tall grinning in my face as if the Fire I thought we were making was real
my heart still aches for you 7 to 8 months later.
I cant believe I had to pay numerous copay's for therapy because I allowed you to get in my head and make me feel less than.
I know ill never get to say these things to your face so ill leave them here to travel through cyber space
Im still angry that I Remembered your name and Forgot mine

IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO LOOK FOR HIM IN PLACES AND PEOPLE
IT TOOK EVERYTHING FOR ME NOT TO CARE
SO THAT I MAY LOWER MY GAZE
TO WHAT HAD ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT THERE.

HE OPENED AND LEFT ME HURT SO YOU SHOWED ME JUST HOW LITTLE MY FLAWS WERE
I KNOW YOU LOVE ME
I CAN TELL BY THE WAY YOU OFTEN STARE
U LOOK AT ME LIKE IM THE ONLY QUEEN IN THE ROOM
EVEN THOUGH IT’S PLENTY STANDING AROUND HERE AND THERE

I WAS SCARED AT FIRST SO I WAITED… AND WAITED
NOW HERE I AM STANDING COMPLETELY NAKED
MELANIN BROWN CHOCOLATE DRIPPED TO THE FLOOR
PROMISING TO LEAVE YOUR HEART MIND BODY AND SOUL THIRSTY FOR MORE

WE MAKE LOVE ANY AND EVERYWHERE
LIGHTNING AND SPARK ALL TYPES OF FIRES
AIMING TO PLEASE ME IS YOUR ONLY DESIRE
MINE IS TO LET YOU KNOW IN EVERY WAY THAT IS
ONLY YOU WHO I HIGHLY ADMIRE.

I WAS SCARED TO BE THE FIRST SO I WAITED… AND WAITED
YOU SAID IT LAST NIGHT AND MY HEART MELTED
I LOVE YOU TOOO!!!

P.S. HE SAID THAT HE GIVES THANKS TO ALL THE MEN WHO HAVE LOST ME TOO THEIR OWN INSECURITIES. HE KISSED A WAY ALL MY FEARS AND GAVE ME MORE THAN A TASTE OF HIS LOVE SO THAT I COULD TELL IT WAS REAL…

when your Heartbroken and stressed
your heart, mind body and soul  notices and you begin to see visions of positivity less and less,
you gotta understand where im coming from, you know that annoying knot in your chest
drives you so crazy that your daily thoughts become a mess,
Im still suffering from this disease of emptiness i cant get rid of more like a curse of never being enough. im so angry cause i know it was supposed to be us, but god said that it was yalls time i guess!
Its been months and he is visibly happy so must God torture my heart i tried everything still my heart beats faintly since that day.
i hope in good spirit your heart stays
even though with mine you choose to play
when things are over for yall please dont come my way
cause it will be too late u already left my heart damaged and bruised so there will not be much to say

#I wish Someone loved me in this way i'd never let them Go#

How can I not feel extremely empty I lost you before I could even truly get to know you,
Today as I reap the benefits of life I will hold the love I feel for you tenderly inside.
You damaged my exterior so I have trouble now pushing my pride to the side.
Im broken from continuous mistakes and constant heartbreak.
Memories of him I cant shake. Even though I know he left clues that he was a in the closet *** snake.
I fell in love with him… im still waiting for him to come around explaining and telling me that he is sorry now, heres your birthday cake I promised I make. Never kissing him was one of my biggest mistakes cause through his kiss I would have been able to spot that he was a low down ***** snake!

‪Sometimes loving someone can make the heart wither.   Vivid memories of HIM wakes u every night with cold sweats endless shiver.... When does the pain stop! only but for a few months this year it stopped the way I felt tropical sunset and sunrise... he made me want to share everything I was holding back inside then over nothing he chose to see me of less value and hide. l  slightly entertained others but him my heart chose so when he too chose to leave
it left me stuck thinking of you, so their was no room left to think of me. You had the easy way out....death and HIM I just still dont knowing ...
He played it wasnt necessary for him to see our bond grow.....
For me to fall again I just cant say ill allow myself so...‬
honestly I would **** to have someone love me like I love u

I got a question I been wanting to ask you
it’s just bothering me
but I need to know
when we make love is it me that you see
or is it...... the me The perfect wife that you choose for me to be
cause when I make love to you... I see the man that you have the potential to be ...
The man that I need
the man my body craves that holds and clings to
and loves like no one else
But when you look at me... when you stare into my eyes and I’m looking back into yours
I see a blank space sometimes, and I have to wonder... I wonder truly all the time
is it me that you see....
or is it the perfect wife that you planned out in ya mind had sought  out  for me to be
I only ask this cause when we walk in public
you hold my hand.... but it’s not like the first time
The first time I knew you were My Man
This time you hold my hand but not with grace and dignity
like this is the life that you
had planned and sought out and hoped and everything you wanted it to be
I prayed for this to work.. I prayed for us to try
but I can no longer pretend that when im trying to make endless love to your mind...
that your that guy
I loved you and I still do
still when I look in ya eyes I see that but when you look into mine i don’t see that
you don’t love me anymore
let’s not continue to live this lie
kiss and make luv.. and say our final goodbyes

crying and mourning the days of the past ....
while... happily, cherishing loving, hoping praying, and wishing for the days of the future...
My heart lays in sadness...
cause it mourns the time and space that I missed with you,
I wished hoped and prayed for more.... I looked to the “ Scars” aka “stars” so many different nights
hoping and praying
hoping and pray
and wishing
and that I’ll be the one holding you tight every single night
I now know that even the most beautifulest black buttafly too sometimes cry and when they cry it bleeds tears
tears of pain truth hurt desires lust lost of fears strength
it was all real
it was all real, I seen fate and destiny
when I looked in ya eyes
it was a feeling I never wanted to let go of
u mad this Beautiful Black Buttafly cry
so now when you look me in my face
in my Eyes
you’ll see hurt and pain... to this truth
that will always and forever remain

I never want him to read the words of my hearts true definition
and constantly think of me
I’m to embarrassed so this poetry I hope He never reads.....
in time the Lord will bless his eyes to see
just how much love for him I held inside of me
he’ll start to see the signs... I'm sure they’ll come in forms of three
then it will be his turn to feel that love lost way down in his knee
when the heart stops and the buckle of his knee occurs he will see
nothing but pictures painted ever so beautifully of me
embedded in your Now past New present and soon to be future
this part of your history will always and forever be a mystery

The way my heart wasBroken... I don’t wish that on my worst enemy
The way I wore his tears...... I don’t wish that on anyone
The way I walked around with my headdown feeling like a clown
for a few months
Scared to entertain another man’sConversation out of fear
that visions of a forever for me will never be clear
the pain hurts so bad felt like my heart was stabbed with a spear
people thoughts around me are so loud that my own I can no longer hear
my own personal thoughts causing to much confusion this is clear
still I keep telling myself that I’m worth it
just trying to pick myself up and figure out how to move on from here.

TIME....
He who waits for no one
stubborn lil *****....
I just needed a little more TIME to rewrite my wrongs  and repaint those words in my history soft like a beautiful  symphony....
Just this year alone I met the only man able
to make my heart melt with little to no effort
to only kiss the breath of my Love.... Time wouldn’t allow me to kiss I'm sure the softest set of lips.
It’s just the things we never did that I  guess
I miss.
Time ....
He who waits for no one
stubborn lil *****
wouldn’t allow me to go back in time
to correct my wrongs

Keep your head held high
even if the suns Rays blind you for daring to gaze up at the sky
Never let them Cowards see you sweat even when it’s pouring down your neck
If you fall get back up again
and kick societies *** make sure you ******* Win

the difference between her and I is that she is desperate for you and your attention I wanted to love you I mean really love you, what I thought was space to clear the negative energy was space for you to settle..... I know you don’t crave her she's just willing to do what you want..
well so was I but I know I’m no easy ride
you should have called and let me know that you cared  but instead u honored ya pride that you claimed to put aside.
for 3 months now all I have done is cried
vivid images of you and I as your bride
I’m so ****** up in the head now
cause I still love you I wanted you from the moment you made my heart push any other that dared to compare to the side
you saying those cold words to me it crushed my pride
my love can be so deep I wanted to show you I really tried
it still hurts that every time I see you my body wants to shuts down and I must hide
I’ll never have the courage to tell you how much you hurt me to **** hard to describe
so I’ll leave it here instead of keeping it all inside
**** I wanted to love you ....  but you couldn’t push ya pride to the side...

It should be me that you’re kissing
but it will be me that your missing
up late at night hoping praying wishing
stuck in the dating world straight endless  Cat fishing
it should be me holding u tight every night  
your name still sizzles at that back of my throat more than Mc Donald’s Sprite
constant memories of you My Beautiful Tragedy so I write

Why do I still see HIM in my dreams
to have this feeling of heartbreak…
for a man I haven’t even kissed
there has been a few that when things were over It wasn’t easy to digest …
but not like this… I feel like our souls connected it so this can’t be truly over
or was I just connected to HIM in hopes that he would save me like I knew only a man with his exact strength could
or is it just the fact that unlike most HE wasn’t in a rush to kiss on these lips
HE really wasn’t in a rush to kiss on the lips as soft as this
I really do miss you…
for the things I know we had potential to explore with each other
pillow fights date nights long walks in the park conversations that never seem to end late nights just you and I no covers all the lights so I could see the cold parts that Pierced your eyes shine bright no where left to hide at the door is where we left all pride
I wish I could rewind that night I should had told u my submissive heart would never had said no if he’d just came out with it.. just asked
****
my gut aches in pain at the thought of you
I never ever share my secrets I should have just listen to yours and not said anything about Mine  would I feel any better?
This **** is still hurts because I miss you
you said you moved on so there’s nothing left to do
except pretend I never met you
sun up to sun Down my spirit wanted u around

I feel so foolish never again I must hold true to myself I must hold my ground

it wouldn’t matter if u came back today and told me u loved me cause when my heart missed a beat... it was bleeding for u and all I’ll remember is u Not needing me too...  honestly boop it still bleeds.... Just for you.....

to the one I love to forget...
I apologize for my constant rejection
hhhmmmm...
u been longing for my affection
misleading ur heart in a different direction
for quite some time now the false promises and fake smiles I constantly feed you spreads through your mind like a blissful infection
the ****** poetry I sinfully spit at u leaves u standing firm and tall the greatest lover i am let me ease your *******
I love it when u begg  get on your knees is always my reply , time for me to see what that tounge do inspection
oh so you wanna be my love slave is my detection......
let me stop here I go again misleading u in the wrong direction
I don’t know why when u look at me u see endless perfection
when all I can offer u is endless rejection
I’m not  willing to let my future king of the past get the wrong impression
so I hide ur love for me as the unseen discretion
u really think I love you... sorry u mean nothing my smile must’ve caused that deception
before u became attached  I tried to let u go cause my love I know will leave u in a 2 year world of depression
I know that it will be because of me u look at women funny u get the wrong impression
look all I know is that I need to admit my wrongs in order to receive true redemption
and also I hope that my apologetic poetry will help cure those late nights that u spend consumed with depression  
I guess this is how it’s supposed to go

a love I thought I knew or was it just imaginary pieces that my mind made up over time
to help me heal and cover up those past tragedies I choose to leave behind
I mean was the spiritual connection really there
ya love had me stuck in a ever lasting daze I swear
when u died the strong piece of me died with u too I couldn’t breathe completely no air no u
I was 5 month pregnant with our child my baby number 3 when that young boy took u away from me
so there was no one who reached out or called I took that walk of shame everyday by myself no one Alone......
my 7 year old at the time he wiped my eyes from him my tears god wouldn’t allow me to hide I needed him more than he needed me he was There
mommy are u okay?? is the only noise I wanted to hear at the end of each and everyday

now baby boy is here and he looks up to you this is certainties for sure I know... I see the glow in your eyes as u watch him grow!!!
your not quite the man of the house but u are a king you let that show
I thank God everyday for giving me the gift to carry u inside of my body closet to my heart
so sweet and kind mostly made of everything I am not
i love that Part

one day u will look back and think of me ..
the one who was so easy for me to forget... and you’ll cry cause it was not a dream
I was truly willing to let u taste..
the better part of me....
endless  love  eternity

ya hand is delt with to many Queens
and I’m not up for the gamble
especially when I know for sure I’m the winning hand

not finished just sitting here so I’ll share

my heart feels like a broken juke box that keeps playing that same old sad blues tune
U scooped up my heart with your mental spoon
I looked up to the stars and prayed for you, “U know way up past the moon”
I thought at least I found my homie for life, my goon
I let my soul open up, he then choose to turn his back like a ****
I still remember that conversation we had a little before noon
it made u get not want to call and let go way too soon
U left my heart to bleed dry and shrink like a prune......
days are no longer filled with smiles of sunshine just dark teary days filled with nothing but gloom
for once I don’t feel like SHOPPING I rather stare at the walls and day dream in my room
I just wasn’t enough is what I’m left to assume
U would think because of the things I’ve been through feelings of being broken shouldn’t happen I should be immune
***** wake up **** that man that was now a couple of months ago it’s Now June

It happened again
I can’t even go to the bank to visit my dear friend
what cause this pain??  
to make me feel so ashamed
that every time I see u I loose my pride
I ran back through those metal door so fast I just needed somewhere to run and hide
thank God that as soon as I walked out the door Walgreens is right on the side

p.s.
One day the thought of you won’t hurt and I’ll be able to face you but until then
your number is still stored in my phone as
Mr. Forget Me Not
the dude I used to love talking to way back when

all it takes is 3 words “I Miss U” and I’ll forgive u cause truthfully I probably miss u more...
I’m 30 to 40 poems in so u know I feel some type of way
I wish I could rewind that day
instead of being stuck in my feelings 6 weeks later the end of may
cause the way I feel about u face to face I’m not able to say
pride always gets in the way
so apart we must stay
to forget your memory....
is what I hope and pray
every single Day
but most of all I pray that HE finds love and peace even if it’s not solace he sees in me... my heart just mourns the fact that HE let it turn out this way

I said I wasn’t gonna write about my lyrical muse again
but there is always more to write about when ya mind devours everything including lyrical sin
I’m determined to out live my past I will win
This road block left a crack in my glass soul snatched my love before it was even truly able to begin
6 weeks tomorrow since we last talked is how long it’s been
I swear next time I will not let myself feel naked and confused... I strongly doubt I’ll let another get close again

remember rose petals fall but the thorns always remain

every time my heart cries out for you
my pen bleeds black or blue
painting words of mystery to describe how I feel about you
my hunni bun my love the last person i wanna see at night and the first as the sun rise u my boo

I raced and ran to get u
from crack homes and bad situations
just so u could see your young reflection starring down
when u look at me and I would be worth it
my life was already written in the sands of time
what could I have possible done to deserve this  
I watched quietly as he beat ya ***
but never towards him did u get mad no HE never made u sad
so U left me again....
left me while I was young bruised and sad
and at one point of time I had a great father those memories made my heart cheerful and glad
and I believe when u looked at me u seen the dream of my father some u could never have.... I can’t lie my memories of you aren’t all bad
years later
I could never be mad at you....
your my mother I love you
so as I lay my head next to your frail body on this hospital bed dying of this endless disease Cancer
I admit to myself first that for a lot of years I was mad at you for leaving me at the hands
of anyone else but you which cause me to end up damaged
so a small slither part of me believe u kinda deserve this
but when I looked into your now lifeless eyes I saw a Queen again like as if it was the first time I open my eyes to you.... I still remember what ur almost lifeless body could utter... babygirl stop chasing me I lived in my misery gracefully I left u alone many times so my loving embrace you could not feel your future won’t be mine for ur broken heart is the only one you need to heal my love for you will never die with my body for when I look at you I know God’s Grace was Real....
U never forgot my birthday so when 29 came and from you a happy birthday I did not hear I knew it was for real ...
so for Mother’s Day this poem I reveal
in hopes that this broken piece in me would heal

xoxoxox
luv always ur Blakbuttafly,
Tooty

fast forward to me being 13 in and out of group homes... foster homes never could get quite comfortable..... now remember I been a victim since the age of 3 when he started torturing me... so because u had access to my files  u knew my history so having the athourity to do so it was okay for u to also rub your hands against me ....also for 8 months it happened over and over again
my mind spaced out  cause this fight my body could never win
  endless therapy sessions for nothing cause she could never heal or console these demons of sadness I had to hold in
so now I scrubb my soul more with this lyrical disease cause my cursed heart feels like it’s wrapped in to much **** sin

Not finished yet let this **** Therapy Begin

I still remember u telling me your fantasy
so every night when I close my eyes it’s the same dream of u and me
in the rain temp ranging from 95 98 Degrees
while making love under some tall *** palm tree for any and every one to see

that’s exactly what u are Mr. Martin My Forever Dream of what was supposed to be

I’m no longer going to look to the skies for you this time I’m done
this dating game has let me down you won
I’m just glad it ended before any more Permanent damage could be done
I dreamed about youA lot it was surely fun
  but u let me down with those cold stares and inconsistencies letting me know I wasn’t the one  
Kevin I don’t share I wanted you all to myself shidd I wanted to even give u that ....your first son.....
so when u read this just know u met and had her but she gone now enjoy the endless dating have fun
but as u get older and she gets colder you’ll see I was the one
  and a life with me would have been better than ur addiction to guns
u bruised my ego made me feel less attractive so indefinitely u won
I thought u had undeniable love for me but obviously there was never none

love sincerely
sister Nancy the nun

p.s.
its cool my heart will heal the damage is done just remember I told u that I wanted to make that dream come true me making love to you in the rain under the hot steaming sun

I prayed to god that my dreams will follow you. I started seeing a therapist because now my every thought is intertwined with ur face and your loving mental embrace. she said I’m in love and that loving someone is never measured by time
just by what the heart wants and needs that’s why I won’t be able to erase.... especially if the heart mind and body knows the feeling that only he gives  I will never be able to replace
I’m dying cause my heart wants more it ended to soon to say good by but I don’t know what to do or where to start... but if I had a second chance I would loving treat u more than a friend. I want to share my love with u through poetry but pride won’t allow me to hit send. so everyday I wake up with heavy heart and tears in my eyes cause reality hits , and knowing that one day I will see u with someone else truly happy..... without me
I do know that what ever is ment... will be

Today I almost cried because I’m missing him my body yearns to be touched by him my mind long for the mental stimulation that only he gives
my soul must believe that we will be connected again cause I’m starting to see him in my dreams as if it’s ment to be .....
I attempted to write a poem and share with someone other than u the words wouldn’t form for me This is extremely out of the norm
I keep lying to myself like I’m not affected by this
my heart must know something I don’t which is???

All I know is it’s rare to have this feeling
your love is infinitely appealing
got my mind bent and turned gone... high above my cream colored ceiling
desireble desirable dreams about your stimulating ****** healing
night after night we’ll play under the covers biting moaning talking **** squealing
sorry I didn’t mean to be so blunt forceful sexually revealing

Now that I know it’s truly over, finally.... done
I’ll share every last poem paged in my diary, all except for....one

2 cups of fool in love
1 tbs of heart break
1/4 cup of deceit
1 cup of pride
1/2 cup of failed past loves
6 cups of Mary j
1 gal jack Daniels honey Tennessee
1 cup of dangerous chemistry
and another gal jack Daniels honey Tennessee
left you and me as disasters’ very own Recipe

I hate being called pretty girl....
that’s what he called me.... who is he
my torture that left me with constant nightmares since the age of 3.... he would finger me
he would play B.B. king and say dance for me
he told me pretty girls wear red lipstick as he kneeled down on his knee
scared and left abandoned she thought
since her momma left her this was how it was supposed to be
memories of little me since the age of 3......

he walks in disguise 6 ft tall dark skin for nothing
those plump black berry lips open and exposes his sinister smile voice so soft and mellow leaves u in his forever dream a crooked ***** thief is what he must be....

So upset and heartbroken again... by someone who is only supposed to be my friend till the end I should have never told u my secrets if u were gonna choose to run away! One argument/ misunderstanding should not effect the way u feel today u didn’t even she’d a tear I did cause I was being truly sincere I put myself out there not just for play I wanted to wait and see if u would reach out for me with some kind of empathy.

I hope the stars align when our free spirits meet again next life time....
continuous dreams and nightmares of holding u in my arms again one last time
but this time things will be different cause I’ll be meeting you on that frontline
and for the first and the last time it would be you that I see when I wake Reyes of  sunshine
your smile is poisonous acid and alkaline
6ft tall pink lips sweet as candy and wine

anxiety super high
I wanna call **** that
tired of fighting a brick wall
I fell for that smile on a black man over 6ft tall
u would have thought because he is older
he wouldn’t act so ******* bipolar
I was ready to carry his weight on my shoulder
but every time we talked I felt the conversations
growing colder
I shoulda threw his number in the trash that very day last October