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Paige Jun 2019
He made me feel like I was nothing today
And it wasn't what he said
Or even really how he said it
I suppose it was a small conclusion
To a pile of things
A mountain of hurtful actions
An ocean of bitter words
This time it was only a rain drop
But I felt it like a tsunami
A never ending certainty
That I'm not good enough
And the day didn't end as it usually does
There were no apologies
Or sweet nothings
No affection or promises made
Instead their were slammed doors
And arms full of groceries
At the bottom of an empty stairwell
There were heavy sighs
And broken hearts
And I was left with a familiar
Aching loneliness
Wondering over and over again
Why is it always me
Paige Mar 2019
I realized something today
I don't miss you
I miss the feeling
I had with you
But I don't miss you
I don't miss your eyes
Or your poisonous tongue
I don't miss the traps you laid for me
The words you spoke to me
The way you made me feel
...
Helpless
Your love set me on fire
I was full of everything
And nothing for you
You consumed me and I thought
I thought that it was beautiful
But your love left me broken
Cracked me wide open
Displayed my feelings and emotions
Like a joke
Was I a joke to you?
You ripped me apart
Then fell into my arms
Your tears filling up the place
Where mine were supposed to go
You were sorry
You said it a hundred times
But the parts of you that were honest
Couldn't outweigh your deceit
Your guilt
Your cunning
You were such a masterful man
A protege of your kind
A well practiced manipulator
There was a kind of fascination
In the way you handled your lies
A sweetness to the way they were delivered
Your craft
Was a delicate one
And you executed it with precision
A true artist
In the way you deceived me
And oh, I was deceived
Tricked
Fooled
Played
I fell for you so rapidly
So intensely
So powerfully
That the landing crushed me
Broke every bone in my body
And ground them into dust
The impact knocked the air from me
Forcing my lungs to deflate
So quickly
That it felt like I'd never known
What breathing was
I crashed to the floor
Twisted and gnarled and shattered
I was a contorted mess
But my broken face smiled
Looking back
It was a rather gruesome smile
But I truly believed my life
Was beautiful then
How sickening to remember that
To see myself from this distance and know
Nothing was beautiful
But there you were
Cradling my fragile head
Tracing your fingers
Through the blood on my lips
And you whispered you loved me
You were there for me
You could heal me
Little did I realize
You were the one hurting me
Watching me splinter like glass
And pressing on the weakest points
An artist indeed
Watching your spiderweb bloom in me
Hungry for more
Your passion for my pain is palpable now
And it's funny
I used to think it was your passion for me
Paige Mar 2019
To the girl who lies awake
Who cannot remember a time
She wasn't crying
She wasn't aching
She wasn't struggling
To breathe, to love, to live
To the girl
Who cannot see
Through the broken glass
Thick with the words of others
Who has been called
Nothing
Worthless
Annoying
Or sensitive
To the girl who has been told
You are not strong
You are not smart
You are not capable
To the girls who have been told
To keep their mouths shut
To obey
To conform
To stop fighting
To the WOMEN
Because we should stop
Calling you girls
We should stop limiting your potential
Minimizing your pain
Generalizing your struggles
To the WOMEN
With voices
And opinions
And emotions
To the WOMEN
Who fight day in and day out
To the WOMEN
Who have been told
Your pain is less than another's
Your story is not important
Your testimony is not
Enough
To all of the women
Who have seen and felt and wanted
Who have loved and hated
Who have been hurt
Oppressed
And smothered
To the women who remember
The very last day of their girlhood
With painful clarity
To the women who hear us
And cannot speak
To the women who have been waiting
For this movement
This is for the women who have watched us
Screaming at the top of our lungs
Fighting for this moment
For change
For a new world where our daughters
May walk with their heads held high
Where our sisters
May march like warriors
And KNOW
That there is fire in their blood
Where our mothers
May watch us manipulate our destiny
And carve out our dreams among the stars
So the we may sit in thrones
Alongside them
Because we are mighty
We are fierce
And we are where we are today
Because of the sacrifices they made
The women before us
Suffering
Despairing
And fighting
We will not give up
We will not give in
This is to all of my sisters
Women who feel the same calling
Who feel the defiance
Burning in their eyes
In the faces of their oppressors
This is to my sisters
Who feel they do not have the voice
Or the strength
Or the will
To keep fighting
We will fight for you
We will carry you
We will be your voice
We are no longer alone
And fear no longer has a say here
Time's up
And the time is now
We will rip the muzzles from our mouths
And we will scream
Until the streets run red
With the truth we live
Every
Single
Day
We will not be silenced
We will not be stopped
We will ferociously
And furiously
And fearlessly
Fight
The bonds will break
The earth will rattle beneath our feet
And we will bring a change with us
That will ripple through time
So that our granddaughters may sing
A song full of freedom
This is to all of you
A promise
An invitation
I will fight for you
My voice will join the millions of others
And I will stand
Until my legs fail
And my body crumbles
And even then I will still cry out for you
Paige Mar 2019
I keep seeing your eyes
Hearing your voice
Missing you is like breathing
Vital and important
Flooding through me with urgency
My God you were so beautiful
A firestorm of everything good
Even the pain was good
A deep and wicked thing
Gutting me
Pitting me
Grinding me into dust
You were my whole heart
And it's funny
How a heart never forgets
I still imagine it
What it would be like
To meet those eyes again
But they house a different person
Don't they?
You are no longer who I remember
But a new soul entirely
A different kind of man
New experiences have shaped you
New loves have tended to you
New heartaches have lived with you
You are as different from yourself
As I am to a younger me
But my heart still beats
Recognizes your essence
Folds under your gaze
I still see you
Because under all the changes
Under every new promise
Every fresh scar
Underneath every other person
Who managed to reach your heart
I can still see the marks we made
The carvings that promised forever
The etchings of our first love
Our most epic story
Our lives playing out
They still live there
In the depths of you
Under all the games you play
I still see the night
You told me you loved me
You needed me
You wanted me
I still see the tears in your eyes
And feel the way you held me
Knowing it may be the last time
I still feel it
I feel it all
And I tell myself it wouldn't matter
Tell myself I'm not sorry
Whisper the mantra
I do not love you
But that was always a lie
Paige Feb 2019
I miss you
Lying awake at four in the morning
Facing each other in the darkness
When I told you I was afraid
You knew me
Together every day
When the moon was up
So were we
Sitting in your car
The windows fogging up
We were followed by red and blue lights
All the way home
But you didn't mind
You spent the night there
The card tricks
And the bad jokes
And the honesty
My God
I was more honest with you
Than anyone
I should've recognized it then
But I'm not known for that
I'm known for mistakes
And broken promises
And forgetfulness
I'm known for stubbornness
And an acute fear of apologies
You didn't care
You cared about novels
Written over text messages
Conversations about the demons
We were haunted by
You cared about knowing
Someone out there felt the way that you did
And then
Things changed
We drifted
A friendship turned into emptiness
A hollow place I couldn't fill
A nagging and pestering thing
I should've said sorry first
Should've said it period
Trusted your word when you gave it
I guess things turned out alright
But I still don't see you
Not like I used to
Don't speak to you
With the familiarity of my own self
Don't know you
Forwards and backwards the way I once did
I miss that
I miss you
I miss the basic understanding
The fundamental connection
The simple knowledge
Of eachother
You were my best friend
My confidant
My comfortable other
And now reaching out is like
Trying to grasp water
I can feel you there
But my fingers pass through every time
And I lose my hold
Stumble
Fall
Try to remember
Or forget
But all I really want
Is not to miss you
Paige Feb 2019
The wall was white
Aside from the small gray crack in it
I couldn't stop staring though
Even though the sight of it never changed
I just kept watching it
Watching the crack blur in and out of focus
Kept thinking
I don't want to forget
I don't want to be okay
In those hours when I couldn't sleep
When I watched the sun sink and rise without blinking
When I was sick with regret
And longing
And hurt
I didn't want to forget it
I knew time would heal me
Knew that everyone's words were true
And I'd someday feel acceptance
Instead of grief
But I didn't want it
I wanted the gaping wound to swallow me
To live on and plague me
To carve it's way inside of me day in and day out
I needed it
That pain was all I had left of you
The howling despair
The crippling anxiety
The dull and glassy eyes
I needed those things so badly
That the thought of losing them burned me
It made my insides roil and turn
The thought of ever being okay without you
Was a thought I couldn't bear
I needed to miss you
To loathe a life you weren't a part of
I needed to long for you
So desperately that my lungs ached
And my temples were sore
I had already lost you
I couldn't lose the pain of it too
I couldn't lose that feeling
I suppose I was afraid
Afraid that if I lost that pain
Or if I forgot you for even a single day
That I'd forget about how I loved you
I didn't know it then
That kind of memory can't be lost
That love endures even after it shouldn't
Time has healed me
Wounds have closed
The months I spent agonizing passed
The rivers I cried have emptied
But the memory of you never faded
The love I have for you never dissipated
To this day, I can still see you
Still remember you
And I've learned
That there will be a thousand white walls
There will be millions of tiny cracks in them
And I will always remember the holes you left in me
But more so I'll remember the spaces you filled
I am okay
I am the very thing that terrified me
But I have not forgotten
Mourning you still lives with me
Loving you still burns in me
And memories of you still linger
Paige Feb 2019
Traces of you still linger with me
The smell of your cologne on a stranger
The sound of your voice in your favorite song
Your eyes in the first rays of sunset
I see you everywhere
The memory used to gnaw at me
Leave me rotten and hollow
I couldn't close the wound
But there's a certain sweetness to it now
A melancholy smile
A wistful bitterness
It tastes like warm apple cider
And ice cold lemonade
Sour and sweet
Uncomfortable but somehow perfect
I miss you differently now
I miss you fondly
And the pain is a new comfort
One I never dreamed I'd feel
When first I lost you
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