When there is no reason for you to go on, when there is literally no other way to make it through, when you’re pouring your heart out, but nobody’s paying attention, when you’re lost trying to find a way, but it seems like every route you take, it always lead you to the wrong side of the fence, no matter how many time you try, no matter how many time you go back and retry, when you’re hurt and suddenly can’t feel anything, when you wanna give up, when your world is dark, when your heart is fading, basically when you’re feeling the world is on top of you crushing you down, don’t give up! There’s always a way! You just need one more step to be there, no matter how hard you fall, how hurt you are! Don’t forget, it can always be worse and there’s always a way out. Trust me! I’ve been there!

As you lay down in my bed, contemplating your beauty,
I can’t imagine a world without you in it, as you move your body closer to mine, I can feel your warmth enveloping me, every breath you take is music to my ear, you are the true definition of beauty, you are my dream come true! What is there to say? I can’t really say much, I can’t even put my thoughts into words, it might seem like I’m trying to write a poem, but there are really not enough words to truly describe the way I feel about you, all I can say is that YOU ARE MY DREAM COME TRUE.

I’m not perfect, I’m not strong, I’m not alluring, I’m not bearing fruit, I’m just a little tree trying to grow, I’m not funny, I’m not brilliant, I am just a little tree trying to grow in the middle of the forest all alone! I’m just the wind blowing in any direction I please! I’m a lost cat frightened with no friends or family, I’m just an ordinary empty shell.

So this time around I'll do better. I'll cry till I can't cry no more, I'll bear the pain because I know it's temporary and I'll be alright soon. It's time to move on! It's time for a change, I won't let anything hold me down. I'm moving forward. I want what's best for me. I wanna better myself, I think I have repeatedly been looking for love in the wrong places, that's why I keep getting hurt over and over. Or maybe love is also temporary? Can it be so? Can it be a fantasy? What's love really? Why do we feen for it? Why is it so hard to find the one for you? Is there such thing? So many questions, so many thoughts running through my mind I don't know what to do with them. I don't know where to start or how to express them. So many things I hide from the world, so many things I hide from myself? I think it's time to show myself out, get out of my shell and go out there and show people what I really am and what I'm capable of. We limit ourselves because we don't want to be judge by society for the weird stuff that we project but yet they want you to be unique. Unique don't mean normal. I think that I'm different. The way I process stuff. The way I see life, the way I carry myself is very different. I'm high off life! High off myself. The energy I give out. I'm tired of being depressed and miserable. I'm tired of letting people my actions and my decisions. I'm tired of being stuck and trapped in this big *******. Time to get out of it . I'm ******* tired ******* it. See what they don't know is that I'm not scared of dying, I actually want to die. I wanna see what it's like , what's after, how is it ? And why the **** people are so scared to die. I think dying is actually living. Life is death to me and when I die I live  I don't know if that make sense to you but it make sense to me. I think we are capable of so much stuff but yet we limit ourselves from it because it's not practical or it's not domain. I'm not Human!

So here I am again, I don’t know why it won’t stop. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I can’t communicate with others because I fear them. My deepest thoughts would make someone go crazy. I can’t open up to my husband because I’m ashamed of the way I feel everyday. I’m a big failure, and it’s eating me up inside. It’s starting to take a toll on me and I’m letting it. What can i do ? I can’t even help myself, how can I expect someone else to do it for me. I’m not even trying. I don’t think this life was meant for me. I thought I was strong enough. I’m failing you mama. I know how much you love me, how much you care and want me to succeed and i truly wanna make you happy. But seriously this life is not for me. I’m a disgrace. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m drowning. I am literally in the middle of the ocean, not even trying to find a way because it would be pointless. I’m ******* in chains on both feet and I’m sinking. I’m alone, all alone. I’m sorry but the only way for me to live is to die. That almost sounds like a suicidal note but believe me it’s not. There’s no way out of it. I’m choosing to end it so it could start. I wasn’t meant for this and you knew it mama!