Many times I put this pen to this blank paper, and many times it remains blank
  I try to write how I'm feeling but all I can think of are his blue loving eyes
  All I feel is love, warmth that used to radiate between us while we laid on the couch
  How it felt to be held close to his chest and kissed on the top of the head
  Look up to see that playful smile and we are engulfed with love
  But that was over a year ago, now I sit lonely on my bed
  You're never far from my thoughts
  Tears never far from my eyes.

I'm haunted by ghosts.
Screaming profanities,
Shattering the barriers of solitude.
Banshees cursing me,
Leading them to the depths,
Of the hell I created.

The blackened pit,
I the tormentor.
Where my eyes pierce
Sweetest fantasy, corrupting innocence.
Filling hearts with dread.

Dreams turned into night mares.
Stampeding insanity,
Like merry-go-rounds
Drilling painful truths into
The painted fictions of hope
That we dream of as children.

I am the madness your heart craves.
And the poison that kills you.

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

I’m a liar.
I want you back

I want your tired eyes and your smudged makeup

I want your shaky hands and even shakier voice
to keep telling me you love me

I want you back
**** I want you back

And this isn’t some sad love poem about how I still love you
I don’t

But out of all of my mistakes, you’re still my favorite

she says it’s not healthy

and I can’t help but wonder
if she means loving girls I know will never love me back or
all the things I use to substitute so they don’t have to

she says she won’t kiss me with dip in my mouth or after I smoke a cigarette
I never really assumed she would

I know my habits are unattractive
constant nose bleeds and being so ******* angry all the time

she says it’s not healthy
I wonder why she even cares

she only says she loves me when she wants something
like *** or for me to quit drinking so much

she always complains that I taste like my depression
that I hold her with shaky hands and my smile seems to tremble with them

she says it’s not healthy
to keep living like this

I argue that at least I’m living

I am allergic to affection

the term “I love you” makes my stomach turn and my hands sweat
and I think that is why they leave

because I know how to type it all out
but when it comes from my lips it always sounded like a plea

I do not sound desperately in love
just desperate
even the way I touched you

like I wanted so badly for you to be there in the morning but
I didn’t know how to ask you to stay without screaming it

I can’t be alone anymore

I wanted to slice my skin to show you that I needed you
but instead I scared you away

I am allergic to affection

I have never known how to hold someone
how to kiss you without biting your lips

I wanted you to be mine

but you were always so much more

but i already felt the ground slipping out from under me
and the walls are getting a little too close to breathe
and i can't tell the difference between tripping and just a bad dream

somebody wake me up

and there's something comforting about a straw for a best friend
and at least now i'm using razor blades to cut something other than my skin