I'm so tired of where I am,
But I'm terrified that leaving would be to rip my heart out
And still beg for it to beat.
I can't find a better way to love myself
Than to hate someone else,
And I'm so scared that I will never bleed any color other than red—
That I'll never breathe deeply enough
To fill the empty spaces you left in my lungs.
I may be running away,
But running means you still care, and
**** it, I do.
I may not know where I'm going,
But I know what I've lost,
And I refuse to believe that the light that burned so brightly in my eyes
Will forever be smoke.
Why can't I be happy?
Please, just let me be happy.

I fell in love with you during the most magical time of the year
The leaves were changing
Everything tasted like pumpkin
Hoodies were being worn with jeans and leggings
Hot cider replaced water
and cool winds replaced the heat
I met you while walking down the street
Your brown hair was a mess from the wind
You were wearing a Metallica t-shirt with a hoodie
that looked like it had been with you through high school
You were carrying a gas station coffee that looked delicious
considering that was what my walk was for
You and I were waiting to use the same crosswalk
We each had a headphone in an ear that was blasting a Bruce Springsteen song
After noticing this you asked me what my favorite song by Bruce was
With blushing cheeks I answered "Tougher Than The Rest"
As you shook your head to move the hair from your face
you responded "Me too"
The crosswalk said walk so we walked
We ended up walking to Seattle's Best Coffee House
I got confused at the coffee you already had in your hand
You informed me that the cup was filled with change collected from weeks before
I invited you to have a coffee with me
While I treated us to coffee
you treated us to muffins you promised me were the best
As we took our seats in the coffee house
we both sipped our coffee
as the radio began to play the song "Tougher Than The Rest"

Sitting in the dark
Make up running down my face
Crying so hard
My mind is a haze

Why do I do this
To myself
I think I'm crazy
I need some help

My hand is numb
And my body shakes
My wrist is ******
My wrist aches

I'm sorry
I know I promised
But I couldn't help it.....

Don't worry Dear
I'm right here
You can cry
I'll dry your eye

I'll be here through thick and thin
and love you till my chest caves in
Even though you're not always near
I keep you in my heart dear

All my life I've been told
That in the end it will all get better
That if I keep living my life and only worry about me
I'll get better
All my life I've struggled
With depression
With anxiety
And even with people
My every day goal
Is to make it through the day
Without seriously injuring someone
Especially me
It's almost all I think about
So why tell me it'll get better with time
Because so far it's only getting worse
Yes, it does get slightly better
But it's hard to breathe with this anxiety
So why did you give it to me?
It's hard to live with this depression
So why do you insist I keep it?
Just because I'm strong enough for all this pain, doesn't mean I deserve it.

The days go by
You've been drinking every day
I'm trying not to cry
But my life is wasting away
I walk through the school
Trying to keep cool
People stare
But I don't care

She presses her bony back up against the wall and crouches into a ball.

The pain she feels inside is too horrible to hide.

Everyone can see it, she’s ashamed of how she looks.

But the illness wails on.

It tells her she’s not smart enough.

Not good enough to be loved.

You? You’re a sick freak, how could anyone like you?

You made a mistake? Now wallow in regret as it gnaws at your very core.

A year ago there certainly is nothing you wanted more.

Than to be a bit lighter, like those other girls.

Like the athletic girl you used to be.

No more sweets, no more food luxuries.

Perpetual restriction is the key.

At first, others commented on the body she attained.

Until she continued on and on, until barely anything remained.

Desperate for some help, she held on for dear life.

As her parents endlessly convinced her, in the future there’d be less strife.

She lived as a zombie for months and months on end.

Restriction, self hatred, and hopelessness, filled the thoughts in her head.

You ate a bit of dessert?  You broke your cardinal rule.

All you wanted is to lose some weight, but look at you, you fool.

Now she lives with the constant reminders, of the horror that occurred.

Her hair, thin and brittle, dry as straw.

Her skin, yellowed and bruised, scarred from the pain within.

Her all too thin appearance, makes her not want to be touched.

She fears intimacy, and letting others feel her cold hands.

Yet when she goes to eat, that demon is stuck on replay.

Remember how you hated yourself?  Don’t ***** up your intake.

A loss of control is a loss of self worth.  Which you barely have anyways.

Perfect your food intake and you can escape that dreadful regret.

You’re broken, so broken.

Yet out of the sobs and trembling, the girl utters a phrase

“My strength emanates from my cracks, which will cover them

and cure my haze”

Imagine a voice.

The voice of negativity.

Sitting prettily in the back of your head.

Judging your every move.

Your every inclination.

You got one wrong on a test?
You ******* up.
How could you be so dumb?
Try harder next time.

You had a treat?
Who says you deserve that?
Certainly not I.
You lazy, fat, sloth.

Is that your reflection in the mirror?
Now isn't that terrifying?
That acne, that hair.
Yikes.

I run amok in your mind.

I control your every last move.

Just try to escape my wrath.

You blubbering, bumbling fool.