This close to Hollywood, the stars are always out
Some come to see movies where I work,
Some say hi, others don't
They all know my name, all the same....

Most come over to me, just because you're with me
You know their numbers, know their tells,
They care about you, yeah
Their boyfriends do, too

I'm here, awkward as hell,
Used to get a hello and a hug,
Now I'm lucky for a nod, oh

I love you, you're amazing
Smart and older, better job, apartment room you don't have to share,
Manage his page, ah, I admire him...
But he only winks at you

And this other woman, my teacher adores her
Thought it was great he asked me to be his student,
I'm still proud, I will always stand proud,
But I'm not his new roommate, or his roommate's fiance,
Still I get their snaps, feel a little left out
I feel a little left out.

I'm not jealous, not really.
Don't want to be where you are.
I just want to be equal. I love you all,
Friends and stars,
I just want to be up there in the heavens, too
Not stuck in this planetarium.

I don't want to be stuck on the ground

In the museum of hands and arms and moving bodies,
There is a door.
Beyond the smoke and fly paper and Cheshire grins.
Had I made it to the door.
Had I become just like them
My flesh torn raw and tendons burning
Against their acid, make-shift garb
Had I not held readings of poetry,
To garner their harrowing attention
As I sought to free myself of the Pupa
In gauzy tops and linen skirts did we dance as the criminally insane
To a waltz of unsung potential
Did I not willingly take the potions and laugh, as they laugh
Did I not willfully indoctrinate the freshest among us
Those fighting, frightened souls, eyes trained on the door.
The door.
How I see it now, a beacon and damnation
That I can never step outside it, now.

I crave an old romantic, poetic love
Of broken chimes and crushed foxgloves
Of coffee stains upon the table,
And early light slipping through the window
Of shuttered eyes and tired hearts,
Of hopeful lies and ancient arts,
A love sweet off wild honey,
And of fresh bread and melancholy
Of battle wounds and salty tears,
Of lasting throughout the years,
Of endings bitter and yet cathartic
Of weathering an endless arctic,
And love with a thread-bare string,
A wish, a tender, tethered thing,
I crave an old romantic notion
Of tested, sure emotion
And love, that which does not age,
Manifests so easy, off the page.

My hero has landed back on mars.
His love left written in the stars.
That rebel heart that beats for us-
We've lost so many, I miss you, Bowie.

Laying in the recovery room,
Bleary from the pain
"It's an 8.5!"
And waiting,
For the medication to drip in
I lay alone in the bed,
Pump on my arm,
Weights on my legs,
And a tube blowing warm air
Under the thin hospital blanket

I looked to the gap in the curtain,
And imagined you walk in,
A smile on your face, so certain
Like being there was where you'd always been
And your eyes lit up when you saw me,
And you said to me, "let's take you home"
But I was blind and it was hard to breathe
Thinking, would you have come, if you'd known?

For what was once a saving grace,
I have now begun to suffer,
As all things I had once loved,
Have become burdens, undercover.

He tries to soothe my heart with pretty words,
But many have come before with much prettier
And all balk at the sign of work-
You need effort and action to make love work,
Love cannot sustain on love alone.

But oh, how pretty are words as a salve,
A balm so easy given, as thought to mouth
I'll be sure to reread them once we're out-
You need more than empty promises to stay in love
Love cannot sustain on love alone

And yes, as a young poet,
I fell for gentle wordsmiths
Who felled me so swift with a note and a sonnet
If I'd had more care, I'd never have bought it
For love, truly love, cannot sustain on love alone.

It's 1'o'clock in the morning,
Trying to write a song to make you cry,
I've got lily of the valley and a great deal of golden rings,
But finery never got your attention, did it
I settle for volumes of poetry, and faded out sunlight and rose-colored cheeks
You're still just as inclined to pick another over me
I can't play wallflower forever, you know, for long after your voice
Rings sallow in my ear
But I can get you drunk, and I can steal all your hugs,
And I can promise you lakes and rivers to swim in, and time to abide by
I can show you great monuments and build you sandcastles
I can burn you your toast, and blacken your coffee,
I can make you sleep soft, I can buy you silk sheets, and kiss away the tears
That I strive, inevitably, to bring to your eyes

I wonder if I'm as lost as they say, if everyone is on the edge of discovering it. The footsteps in the snow are mine alone, you know. As we hike the mountain ***** together. You've put on his face, his jacket. You've warmed your hands to his temperature when you hold mine inside your pocket. And lift your head at just the angle he would, when I point out the breaking clouds. The sun is just on the edge of coming out, turning this icy tread into a blinding canvas above and below us. Just on the verge of turning you into a shadow and reminding me. Ever present, ever longing for you, that you are not here.
That there's somebody else wearing your face. And holding my hand. And wearing your jacket.
There's only one set of footprints here and behind
And where you were there's only me.

You might think your battle over,
You might think you won
But I'm still fighting battles,
I know I'm not the only one
So don't sing of conquest
Don't poet out my heart
For you the politics are over,
For me they've yet to start.

And it's a bad business,
To war over love
But we lost the ones dear to us,
We're drawing blood just because
If I lay my sword down, let my armor rust,
Indiscretions and betrayal will never settle,
In the dust left by my travels, it's gotten out of hand
I never meant to leave it to the inheritors of my land
I'll not be a coward, even so I'd rather be
Than to know things thereafter, I'd rather not have known

And you can tell me your stories,
Of fights so long ago
But my fight is far from over,
And it's time to take it home.

This mask is painted-
Lips and eyes, delicate but fractured
With little breaks and
spidery lines,
Like the fraying of my
dresses.

I can't remember what I
look like, anymore. The
roots showing beneath
this wig or the broken skin beneath this
porcelain

You say it's pretty. Say
I'm beautiful beneath
It's all an artifice,
Lying to save the truth I
cannot unleash

And your skin is
statuesque- perfect, and
your hinges don't creak
like mine,
And I wonder if they've
wired you up,
Finely tuned your
neurons, just like mine
So you can speak and
laugh without a mask
So you can act the part
of "fine"

So well, I find, I've fallen
in love,
Well so what, that
knowledge was just a
matter of finding
The right code to
program into.
A right set of Action and
Response

Can you even live with a
clockwork heart? With
tubes and chemicals as
veins.
Can you cry bitter,
Mercury tears?
Can your electrodes
spark, like mine?

I find this mask is so hard
to remove, and so easy
to wear,
That lately I've worn it to
sleep
I've begun to forget if I've
ever been without it,
before,
But it itches my skin raw,
and it chafes and sweats,
and I cry though
porcelain cannot weep.

Once, when I was young and true,
Someone left me sad-
Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that hurt very bad.
Love is for unlucky folk,
Love is but a curse.
Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse.

The fidget, restless, ache
Starting to diffuse,
New tea from a lemon-wedge strainer
Rough, cheap sheets, earthy brown,
Tame, welcome
Hard bed, steady fan, gently blowing the blinds
Back, forth,
Reading a good book, eyes laze to, fro
Soft music, lavender sleep mask,
The dead heat, heavy air
It's not perfect. It's home

Melancholy tongs wind, little music box, tell me the secret
To fields of daisies, that golden gaze,
You lifted me within your arms, I was charmed,
Watched the heat from your hat imprint upon your brow,
We melted along mainstreet, as your song rang through,
Throwing out twirling notes into the falling world
I heard, in the quiet after a chord, we swayed
Reaching for applause like panting dogs on a hot summer's day

I'm a seasonal *****,
A bit of a witch,
An emotional sucker
I'm predictable as the weather
And I wish we were together

(Because every winter and spring I'm sad again,
And on a high all through summer.
Fall I like to cuddle up,
And admit I liked your place better.
Looking for someone to nest with
Anyone to last.
But when the weather falls I'll be depressed,
And by next June it all will pass)

Stars a deep purple, set to Nine Inch Nails and Bowie
And my fingertips are grinding down trying to smooth the edges,
Waterlogged and heavy
I'm wading through currents in a dinghy, filled with foam,
Feeling fuzzy and just a little unlucky, trying to dock it back home
The whole boat smells of brine and guilt and I'm heading swiftly towards
Nothing,
So grab a life jacket and hoist it up,
**** it, aren't you coming?

Aside the eaves, parallel the skyline
The sunset, lightening, thunder,
Warmer, sat beside the fire,
Ignited through sparks created through strangers, new
New, love, when we were new.
When promise warred with past delusion, we sought
The safety of a hollow shell, a valley closed in by mountains,
Two hearts beating, perfidious farewells.
With no constructional thought of 7 months later,
It was Time Immaterial....
For I saw you then,
As I see you now.

And oh, when I want to slip
To fall off the edge
I'm begging for a reason to collapse
The broken cannot fix the broken,
Doesn't mean that we don't try
Because while mine are dim and dying,
I still try to feed the light inside your eyes

And even when neither of us can stand,
Hand in hand we still lean in and rise
Until the day you can walk away from me
Will I be able to walk my own way, too,
Or will I fall without you?

The blind cannot lead the blind,
They say the world won't work that way
If I'm no better than a husk,
A mirror to bounce back your love,
Then shall I live within the water,
Which reflects the moon, which reflects the sun,

How long does this last
Is this as good as we'll ever have?
Because it's not sustainable
It feels too good to hope

You're welcome to prove me wrong..

Tea residue,
Glowflies, cashmere
Cliffside
See the torn cloth upon the rocks,
Splinters from the mast
Salt tears, salt blood, salt from trade
Broken china
Saffron
It's all salt and sand and blood, now
Washing up the beach in the night,
Shadows from the fire light
The jaws, they gnash

The hungry ocean, the cliff's teeth, the fire burning,

Whichever takes of me first
But I would choose the undertow
For blacking out without the air to breathe,
And lungs filled where nothing could sate the thirst
Of my greedy heart above, and my ugly stomach below

And I'm out and about like a girl who's on
Her way down to the bottom
No I don't have a problem with her,
But I have a problem with her

'Cause I see you go out, like she's made of stardust
Well I'm only made of stardust and waves,
Let me pull you under, come on and let
Me pull you under

I've got no problem saying I go out to get laid, got my eye
On a way of life, but I could pull you under,
Under,

If you weren't under her
Oh, oh whoa-oh

I could tap-dance on the top of her hourglass figure,
Yeah I know I'm a bit bigger but I don't have a problem
With her figure.
I've got a problem with the fabric she's hanging off it,
It's gonna catch,

Yeah on your chains and your rings, it's gonna catch,
Just like you caught her

No I don't have a problem with her
I have a problem with you

Frail, beautiful butterfly,
Kept inside a net
Carnivorous and short-lived,
Crushed within a palm,
Like a bruised flower petal,
Longing to belong,
Growing inside a season
Trying to stay strong
I am back on watch,
Kept inside a bubble
A bracelet falling off and lost,
Broken, without a latch,
And trampled for my trouble,
I am back on watch,
Dangerous, carnivorous,
Poisonous as plant, grotesque as butterfly
I am strong, vibrant, eclectic, a warning
I think this is why, it's why, and why.
I am carefully guarded, and as easily
Discarded
Though I try, I try, and try
For butterflies only have a season,
As plants flourish and die inside a season,
So this is the reason

Still, I remember when you entertained the idea
Of shipping off with me
I remember the passion in your eyes,
The assurance that we could do anything, just be
But what we’ve become, is everything I’ve been running
From.
And now, no matter what I desire, I have seen the darkness I’ve cast over you
The way you shy from my touch, that I should have known better
Why didn’t your father ever teach you not to play with fire?

I do not want to talk to him.
I do not want to talk to anyone who's abandoned me,
Ever again.

You remember me from Highschool?
That was six years ago!
I'm nonbinary now, and I'm gay
Dropped out of college, moved to and from LA
I've had four separate jobs
With different levels of pay
I've fallen in and out of love,
In and out of more beds than I'd rather say
I've had cats, and Jury Duty,
I even changed religion, okay?
You remember me now? I don't remember me then!
So spare me the back-when, what can I even say?
It's been six years since Highschool
I don't remember a single day.

Water bubbles up and over into a steady pool, in an island in a taxi circle. Where strelitzia dip low over a stone bench and the palm trees shade the southern sun. The fountain runs languidly into its blue tiled basin, clear. Inviting. It only runs in moments when I think of you so dearly that my tears over flow without a sound, welling up and onto the tenderness of my eyelids. I have no thought but that of our dear Mexico. And no better a place to store my sorrow, for I cannot cry a river nor an ocean; but a steadily working spout.
Hidden by taxis. And strelitzia.
Where you will never see.

I know if I close my eyes, I could fall asleep tonight
But the stress is eating me alive
And I know it's not how things work,
That everything feels like a slight

They don't like me because I'm boring.
They don't want to hang out because I'm a burden.
I destroyed second chances beyond repair,
I never did enough
It's like I was never even there

& That jackal-girl in the mirror,
With her glowing eyes and crooked teeth,
Is laughing at me,
menace oozing off that twisted, too-frail body
As she places her hand around the shoulder of the girl I should be
In the reflection, staring back

I know if I close my eyes, I could fall asleep tonight
Chase the shadowmen into the veil
For with so little sleep, I can see them awake or in dream
I dare not, but as them,
I can instead walk the night, and frighten the moon.

Cottony smoke curled under my nails, on hands too clean, clearly, for the task that would send them one day to bones. Perhaps without the cinders and ash burning peacefully away at the underside of my tongue, I’d find the strength to understand. Though in the darkness, one little gnat of color was a world of fascination. My mind withered in the fire and ignited in that small, red-black glow, wrapping into its strings. Wishing I could burn away too, and burn away everything.
It is no wonder, that….
Being toasty in frosty air, unable to feel my toes, and quite unable to care.

Kiss me quick,
I swear I'm going nowhere
But you open your eyes
To tell me I wasn't there

I want to be the needle
In your lobotomy
I want to see you writhing
On the floor in agony
I want to be your dreams
When you sleep at night
I want to be the vice
Holding you tight
I want to be the poison,
You can't help but to breathe

I want to hear you say that you'll only love me

So kiss me quick,
I swear I'm going nowhere,
But you open your eyes
To tell me I wasn't there

Do not tell me to be soft
To trim my claws and
Hide my teeth
For I am not
Timid, nor weak
Though my countenance may
Have convinced you otherwise
I will not conceal the venom
In my smile, nor the
Blaze behind my eyes
Do not tell me to be soft
When you aren't sorry,
Just sorry you got caught.

I let my laptop die over the pain and keening,
The leaving for sake of leaving,
"Maybe you'd be happier this way"
Let the lyrics sink to the bottom of the ocean,
I let my laptop die,
I let my laptop die and I walked away

I stop running and the nightmares find me
The mast creaks
Within the rotted core the ghouls call
Alone on the high sea
Whirlpools dip and carry me
And winds run us aground

I stop running and the helm locks
The sand swells
Leaves in heat chitter
As sun bakes through my skin
The salt boils
I become leather

I stop running and I’m buried
By the thoughts you once had
Little memories that kept me afloat
All the time in the world that we had made
If I don’t run, they begin to overflow,
And a captain must go down with her boat.