I’ve been awake over a hour. The thoughts keep swimming through my mind surrounding me with with the anxiety enduced doubt all because I loved a man too much. I think it’s safe to assume that then consequences from this over the years have grow greater more and more each year. I wish on night when I slept in a empty bed I didn’t have nightmares about you never coming back. I wake up without you here and have tears streaming down my face in solidarity and absolute absence because I have come so far and fought so hard. That I just want to be kissed everyday. I dont know if that’ll happen.

Loving you was easy I used to do it even in my sleep.
You had night terrors from your own monsters I knew that.
I ignored the first red flag. I should have ran but I stayed.
That night the moon was bright shining into the window, I woke up to the shadow of you laying behind me.
Your arm was wrapped around my throat. It was a nightmare and you didn’t know who I was. I squirmed trying to push against your arm to release your grip. Silent tears streamed down my face.
It took what seemed like eternity til I could get you to wake.
Sometimes I wonder if you actually had that nightmare you told me about.

Waking up with you near
I no longer have the first breath of my day be fear.
The way you kiss my forehead,
Press your nose against mine.
For these moments everything is divine.
It’s when I leave the cover of your arms.
The warmth of your embrace.
It takes me back to a less safer place.
To the home I had that was haunted with fear.
I wish my husband didn’t almost die so many times in that year.
You know what to say when I need it.
please just be gentle with my heart, you don’t know how many times it has been defeated.

You think that thought
You hold your breath
You press into your skin, but theirs no regret.

You let it go.
You dropped it, the metallic blade hitting the floor.

You don’t know how much of this you can take anymore.
You feel like you’ve lost your mind, there’s just all these thoughts whirling around inside.

Crimson drips from the crease, at least tonight I get to feel a freedom of release.

There are so many days I feel like a burden,
With ever dawn I wake with a heavy chest hoping it will hurt less.
It’s been years since you left me,
This shouldn’t be affecting me.
Why do I miss your smell and the way you’d touch my face when you were sober.
******* it’s already almost the end of October.
When we met I was so sure of you.
But I suppose now you just see me as a burden too.
I ache to find a love like I thought we had.
I still yearn for the promises you made that’ll never happen, it’s just not part of the plan.

I was wondering along the cemetery my family is buried in.
My mom told my a few headstones down from my grandparents was a baby girl who died at one month and one day old. Named Rebecca. My heart stopped.
I thought of you.
My “freshman year of college” when we fell in love.
At the time we weren’t together, you loved Heather why should I have told you?
I was pregnant the first Christmas we faught, yelling in a target parking lot. I begged you to love me and you left me in the snow crying.
I wasn’t going to tell you.
At New Years you came to meet me- but it wasn’t me you wanted. You told me you loved me so you could **** me and leave me before midnight.
I remember kissing one of my best friends instead that night at midnight.
I told her that I thought I was pregnant. She kissed me and told me it would be okay.
I never got to meet you, I only got the greeting of your demise.
But I always felt you were a girl.
I was right with my instinct when I found out about your brother.
I just hope my little girl wherever you are, you are safe and happy. I asked Rebecca to stick around, I told her it’s okay if she wanted to follow me too.

“How can all your beauty be obsolete?” He typed
I closed the messenger and sat for few moments.
Collecting myself.
Breathing deeply.
I open and go to respond “ it’s obsolete when the person you’re in love with, is more in love with a substance than you.”
I am tired of biting my tongue.
I protected you, I tried to save you. All you did was drag my through the dirt hoping I’d fall in love with your snow angels too.
I hate it break it to you, but now you’re down two, and in the end I really hope it’s jailhouse justice for you.

I’d like to think in another life time we were happier together.
In a alternate universe we’ve made it.
It was not the mistake of I got married young and regret it.
This is a case of I fell in love with a addict so hard he became my addiction. That while he was busy with what he wanted to consume- I let him consume me. That’s just not how love should be.
It wasn’t like the books which I wasn’t even going to hold you too.
It just hurts my chest to think about the promises you made. The children we could have had. The family you soberly dreamed of.
Reality was too hard for you. You couldn’t accept the fact that I didn’t want to get between you and ****** anymore. You thought it meant I stopped loving you. For a while maybe I did? But ever since you left I still wake up on the same mattress we first slept in. I don’t know if your side of the bed will ever be warm again.
I just hope you make it through this life, you should get a better ending.

i joked to a boy i slept with last night that i should come with a warning label.
Except in my case i would need packing slips of everything i have been through.
Every human thats left a mark on me has a story. every mark comes with a list of the things i have endured. the those who have endured which i have been through have put far more complications in my life than anyone would have anticipated.
That is what i am left with. anxious anticipation for the next shoe to drop, tree limb to fall, im never not looking over my shoulder anymore.
i wish i came with a ******* warning label

Ok hear me out does *** hit different when you interlock fingers and your arms are above your head and you get so focused on the beautiful human you’re with everything goes away for awhile and in that span of time I genuinely feel a safe connection and maybe things will be okay?

When we first met I’d write you love notes
Leave them scattered around your room.
When we first met I would stay up all night laughing, not yet tired from the lack of sleep.
When we first met every time you kissed me I could feel that you loved me then.
That was what seems like forever ago.

When we first met you’d smoke cigarettes as we laughed at sunrise. Working on what you promised of a dream.
You were living in a sober house, cracked walls, leaking ceiling.
Yet you felt like home.
I knew you had your nightmares everyone does.
You manipulated me, there were so many warning signs.
I don’t know how I stayed for so long or how I survived. All I know is I watched you almost die too many times.
Your choice is heroine. My choice used to be you.
But now I’ve called a lawyer and started smoking the cigarettes you hated the most too.